Page 93 of Jump

“He has a responsibility to heal himself, Viv! To seek help and make himself the healthiest version he can be before he drags someone else into his world. Now he’s got you falling in love, and he’s fighting Drake at the dinner table. He’s laying claim and calling you his own, but he’s still in love with her too?”

“It’s not that simp—”

“Either he’s in or out! Either he’s ready or he’s not. I’m not trying to rush him and tell him to get over her. I’m just saying he should’ve been sure about where his heart lies before he thought he could break someone else’s.”

She reaches out for my hands when tears well in my eyes. Because she’s saying the things I’ve already thought. She’s giving voice to the words that roll through my mind.

But I’ve felt like a monster thinking them. Like a jealous wench for being upset about the woman who came before me.

“I’m not saying he can’t love her too,” I whimper, my tone hitching when emotion bubbles along my throat. “She existed, and she was a good person, Han. I just want him to be in a place where can make room for me. It doesn’t have to be today, or even this year—”

“It should have been before he dragged you into his little threesome.”

A lone tear escapes my eye and slides along my cheek. “He said he was ready. He told me he loved me.”

She squeezes my fingers and reaches across to swipe my tear away. “He drew you in, Viv. Which implied he was ready to explore this thing with you.”

“I think…” I take a deep breath that shudders upon release. “I think he was ready to escape. Not healed. Not wanting to move on. He was just… ready to not have people pity him anymore.”

“You might be right,” she murmurs. She strokes my cheek and looks at me the same way everyone in town has looked at Matt for a year. “This doesn’t make him a bad person. He’s a good man, Viv. Beneath the bad moods and crappy days, I genuinely believe he’s a really, really good man. But he was running from one situation, full-speed toward another. The problem is, you were where he ran to. And now it’s my best friend’s birthday, and you’re crying over a mug of hot coffee.”

I choke out a laugh and reach up to clean my cheek. “It’s so dumb.” Shaking my head, I look anywhere but at the flawless Hannah Sullivan. “How stupid of me, huh? To fall in love with a man like him.”

“A man like him?” she wonders. “What, cranky? Rude? Flighty? Emotionally unavailable?”

“A man who loves so deeply, it endures even death. A man whose love remains steady, even after all this time. You already said it, Han. That doesn’t make him a bad person.”

“No, but—”

“It just makes me the wrong woman.”

And that thought, that conclusion I had no clue I was headed toward, is like a chipped, blunt blade to my heart.

Matteo Ruiz is the very best man a woman could hope for. He’s end game material. He’s selfless and kind and funny and sweet. He’s all the things most women dream she’ll marry someday.

The problem is… he was Ainsley’s first. She was the lucky one who caught his heart and experienced the closest thing on Earth to perfection.

Then she died, and took the most important part of him with her.

“It’s so freakin’ tragic,” I grunt out. Swiping my hand beneath my eyes, I clean the mess away and study my best friend. “He’s exactly who I would want to be with for the rest of my life. And he deserves that too, ya know? He deserves a good woman who understands him. Someone who knows how his heart and brain tick.”

“But he’s incapable?” she guesses. “He’s just…”

“Broken,” I exhale in conclusion. “We can all live without some part of ourselves. Someone loses a leg, they can live on. You lose an arm, you can go on. You lose a kidney, or a lung, or your favorite pair of shoes… A man can lose just about anything and still live a perfectly normal, healthy, well-adjusted life.” Fresh tears well up and spill onto my cheeks. “But no matter which way you slice it, no matter how you want to believe otherwise, he cannot live without his heart.”

I push up straight and pick up my coffee. Tipping the mug up and drinking the scalding liquid so it burns all the way down my throat, I set it back on the counter, half-empty, and make my way through the kitchen. “Come on.”

She spins on her stool, her eyes on my back. “Where are you going?”

“To pick up my birthday present. Just because Matt forgot doesn’t mean I’m gonna doom myself to a shitty day. So,” I stop in the little hallway and grab my keys from the bowl by the door, “I’ll take care of myself, and practice kindness and understanding when I think of Matt. I can forgive him, and stand by him while he navigates this life without his heart. I’ll be the best damn chick friend he ever knew—and if I’m lucky, he might listen to me when I suggest he needs to talk to someone about it all. A therapist, or a grief group, or…” I shrug and grab the front door handle. “I dunno. Someone. Because he needs help I can’t provide. But that doesn’t mean I have to hate him.”

Hannah slides off her stool and finishes her coffee with a fast slurp. “You’re a better person than me, Viv. I either love a guy or I hate his guts.” She sets her mug down and saunters my way. “There’s no friendship in the middle.”

“He deserves a good life.” I swing my apartment door open, and hiss when my wrist twists, and the stitches in my arm snag on the bandaging around them. But it’s a temporary pain, and nothing like the agony Rocky has been experiencing these last few days. “Matt deserves unconditional acceptance,” I continue. Stepping through my door and into the hall outside, I wait for my friend to follow before I close up again. “He deserves grace. And kindness. And so much better than the cards he was given. And someday, maybe, if he’s able to process his grief and get to a place he’s ready to genuinely expand his heart, then I’ll be first in line.”

“So you’re just…” She moves down the stairs with me, digging her hands into her pockets, and scowls. “What, gonna wait for him? After you fed me that inspirational speech?”

“The problem with hearts, Han, is that they’re ours, but only so we can give them to someone else. You gave yours to Axel, and Axel gave his to you. That makes you the lucky ones. But Matt gave his to Ainsley, which means, the night she perished in the Oriane—”

---