Page 43 of Falling for the Nanny

Did he think about me as obsessively as I thought about him? Was he dreading this upcoming weekend–the first one we would spend apart since we started whatever this was–as much as I was? He was so hard to read except when exasperation was crackling around him like a force field or aggravation was wound around the syllables of his words. I knew when I was irritating him, and I knew when he wanted me, but I couldn’t decipher the more subtle shape of his thoughts.

At the park, I half expected him to keep his walls up, his reserve a chasm between us. We were with Lily, after all. But to my surprise, as soon as Lily and Mackenzie had disappeared onto a ride, he pulled me to him.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” he said, giving me a hard, brief kiss.

“I couldn’t tell.” I swatted him playfully. “You get so serious when you drive.”

David shrugged, not denying it. “I’ve got important cargo in that car.”

I searched his face, wondering if he only meant Lily, or if I was included in that description. I could never tell how important I was to David–if it measured up to how important he was becoming to me.

He didn’t answer me, but he kissed me again, careful to keep one eye on the exit of the ride just in case. I melted into it. If I went by how he kissed me, how he touched me, I had no doubts. It was only when I tried to figure out what was going on in his head that I began to wonder.

So, I decided that for at least today, I wasn’t going to try. I was going to savor the times he grabbed my hand, the kisses that were meant to be quick but became lingering, the warm, melting feeling I got when I caught his eyes on me. It didn’t come naturally–my brain kept wanting to keep tally. The adult version of he loves me, he loves me not. But as the day wore on, it became easier.

And it was such a good day. I was glad I didn’t miss it by hiding out in my own head, making careful marks on my mental scorecard. The day was hotter than yesterday, but since David and I spent a lot of our time finding shadowy patches to hide in while the kids waited in lines and did the rides, I didn’t mind. And when we went to the water park and David took off his shirt, I was glad I was wearing very dark sunglasses so I could watch him without anyone being the wiser.

His chiseled chest and dark good looks weren’t the only reason I couldn’t keep my eyes off him though. It was how he was with Lily. He was the opposite of everything he showed to the world. Warm instead of cool, effusive instead of abrupt, patient instead of short. Not for the first time, I wondered how his ex could be such an idiot. She’d had the total package. She’d had everything that I could ever want, and I hadn’t even known until today just how much I wanted it.

But I did. I had to admit that to myself, there was frank, unabashed longing in my gaze that was hidden behind my dark sunglasses. I wanted to do more than touch David in public. I wanted to claim him. I wanted the moms at Lily’s school to know they could look but not touch because he was mine. I wanted him to do the same to me.

Both of the girls nodded off on the way home, and I risked reaching over and running my hand down his arm. David’s eyes went sharply to the rear-view mirror, but when he saw what I already knew, he captured my hand in his and held it.

“Thanks for coming with us,” I whispered. The last thing I wanted to do was wake the girls.

He shot me a sardonic smirk. “Thanks for making me. This was a good day.”

“Still hate roller coasters?” I teased.

He squeezed my fingers. “I don’t hate them.”

“I know. You just hate being out of control.”

Another sharp, sideways look. “I can’t hate it that much, now can I?”

A warm feeling spread through me, but I murmured flippantly, “Oh come on, you know you’re in control, even in the pool house.”

David was quiet for a moment, then he said seriously, “I don’t know that I am.”

I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I was too aware of the girls in the back seat. Even if their eyes were closed and their breathing soft and even, they could be listening. Instead, I just held onto his hands, savoring the sensation of just being a normal couple who could hold hands without worrying who would see. He drove the whole way back, one-handed, twining his fingers with mine and rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb absentmindedly. It felt as intimate as being in bed together–and as forbidden.

When we pulled into the driveway and he had to pull away to put the car in park, I felt foolishly bereft. The fantasy was over. We were about to go inside where we’d have to pretend to be boss and employee again in case his mother was up. And she was up–she came to the door while we were waking the girls up and getting them out of the car.

“Did you have fun?” she asked when we all came inside, a tired, bedraggled foursome.

Mackenzie and Lily nodded enthusiastically, if sleepily.

“You two go relax,” Francesca ordered me and David. “I’ll get them off to bed and then come find you.”

David and I exchanged bemused looks as she swept the girls up the stairs. It wasn’t typical that Francesca came to find us after Lily went to bed, but we were both glad for the warning. Sometimes, though, I had a feeling that even if Francesca came to the pool house door and caught us, she wouldn’t be that surprised. Even the way she told us both to go relax felt…knowing.

David was sure she didn’t though. We discussed it in hushed whispers as we made sandwiches in the kitchen, trying to offset the junk we’d eaten all day.

“My mother wouldn’t let an opportunity like this slide by,” he insisted. “If she knew, I’d be getting shit for it.”

“Unless she doesn’t care,” I whispered back. “I mean, we are both consenting adults.”

He gave me a onceover that took in my tangled hair, bare sunkissed shoulders, the way my tank top hugged my midriff, my brief shorts, all the way down to my bare feet. “I don’t know if consent is the right word,” he said, his voice laced with dark desire. “I never had a chance.”

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