Page 18 of Titan

“Telling you this isn’t easy for me. I never talk about how I feel. I couldn’t.Papáwould have seen it as a weakness. I can’t afford to look weak to anyone, Theia. I have to show I’m strong or I’ll leave myself and my family open to attack. So that’s why I’m here… my head is all messed up over this and I don’t want to feel right now.”

Gil raised his head and met my eyes.

“Have you ever not wanted to feel?”

I almost snorted.

“Every day.”

“How do you deal with that?”

I licked my lip, a movement he followed with his eyes before I swallowed.

“I do this.” I waved around the room. “It’s my escape from the world.”

I don’t know why I admitted that. It wasn’t like I was going to explain my past to him. No one knew the truth about it. I didn’t trust anyone enough. They might look at me differently knowing I’d been taken when I was twenty and abused so thoroughly for two years, I didn’t know who I was any longer. I was still trying to work it out now, despite the fact it’d been four years since I’d escaped.

Gil cocked his head to the side as if curious by my statement but didn’t ask me to elaborate. Something I was thankful for.

“And it helps?”

I smiled.

“Yeah. I like my job too. I wouldn’t do it otherwise. Your brother has made this a safe space for all of us.”

His lip twitched slightly.

“He told me why he opened the club, so I’m happy to hear you feel safe here. That’s what he wants.”

A lot of people in this world looked down on sex workers, but Gil didn’t seem to be remotely fazed by my work. It made me relax slightly. I’d been on edge since I’d walked into the room. I didn’t think he judged me for it, considering he was here to talk to me, but you never knew what people’s personal opinions were.

“I take it Zayn doesn’t know you’re here.”

“No.”

“Well, your secret is safe with me… and as for the whole ‘not wanting to feel’ thing. I don’t really have any advice other than to find something that takes your mind off things.” I looked down at my hands. “I hope I’ve managed to do that for you.”

He didn’t respond for a long while. When I looked at him, Gil was frowning. For a man who wasn’t particularly expressive - at least, I hadn’t known him to be in the time I’d been around him - it felt odd to see his face contorted in such a way.

“Would it be too much to ask to see you again like this?”

I had not been expecting him to ask to see me again. This whole fucking session had been a disaster as far as I was concerned, but maybe I had given Gil what he needed. It was paying work even if it wasn’t what I usually did.

“I’d be okay with that.”

There was a flicker of hope in his eyes at my acceptance. It made my heart beat a little faster.

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.”

He stood up before rubbing the back of his neck. Gil was ready to leave, which was okay with me. I didn’t know if I could keep calm for much longer, anyway. He’d shown me a vulnerable side to him I’m not sure anyone had ever got to see before. In sex work, you got to see a lot of people’s vulnerabilities, but this wasn’t the same thing. A man I didn’t know had trusted me with his fears about his new role. It was a big fucking deal to me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Not when he made me flustered in a way I hadn’t been in a long time.

“I’ll see you soon, I guess.”

Gil stared at me for a minute. My skin prickled. He turned around and walked out of the room. I sat there, wondering what the fuck I’d agreed to. I said it was okay for us to see each other again like this. Was that even a good idea?

Probably not, but you can’t take it back now.

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