Page 56 of Play Your Part

“I’m sorry, Alexei. That’s shitty.”

“It’s good it happened before we got married,” I said, wholeheartedly meaning the words. I wanted to get married once, to someone who would have my back no matter what. Cora didn’t have the stomach for it or the necessary feelings for me to weather it. “But it… reminds me of what I don’t have.”

“What’s that?”

“Someone who I belong to.” Part of me regretted speaking the words. Something about keeping them trapped inside me made them easier to ignore. But tonight, talking to Kennedy three hundred miles from each other, sitting in this dark room with alcohol flowing through me, warming me, I was able to say my most coveted desires out loud.

Our phone line momentarily went so silent I checked that the call remained connected. Still there. “Fuck,” I said on an exhale. “I can’t believe I said that.”

“You will find it,” Kennedy told me, her voice ablaze.

“Is that what you want?”

“What?” Kennedy said.

“To find someone.”

“Doesn’t everyone?” I saw her expression in my mind, the careless smile she had no idea caused so much havoc for me.

“That might be the biggest nonanswer you’ve ever given.”

“I don’t know what I want.”

I didn’t know if she would say more, but I stayed quiet, willing her to. I wanted to know more.

“You know how it is, you have a plan for your life, then something happens and it’s… gone. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel real.”

“What doesn’t?” I asked.

“That this is my life,” she continued, saying to me sober the words she’d drunkenly shared during our first meeting. “I never finished college or figured out a career. I don’t have a place to live. My work is a routine that marks time. Oh, and don’t forget, my boyfriend is fake. Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn this into my personal bitch sesh.”

“It’s fine. It distracts me. And you never talk about yourself. I like learning about you.”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

“I’m serious.”

“Okay.” Challenge filled her voice. “What else would you like to know?”

I paused, thinking over everything I still wondered about her, from hearing more about her mother to what life was like before she died to her feelings for me. But I didn’t want to focus on heavy subjects tonight. I only wanted to settle into my bed and let her voice wash over me, to paper over this weird fucking night.

“You have a scar across your collarbone. How’d you get it?”

Kennedy laughed airily, confirming I chose correctly. No more focusing on loss or disappointment. Just two friends trading silly stories about their lives. And that’s what we did, even as we became progressively more tired, our voices growing lower and slower.

“Are you still there?” I asked after a prolonged silence.

Kennedy muffled the word. “Yes.”

“Good.” Part of me worried that ending this call would break whatever spell had been cast over this night. “I’m going to need you to tell me something happy so I can go to sleep.” I flipped from my right side to the left, taking the phone with me, leaving it on speaker in front of my face. “Please,” I prodded.

“Gemma finally found her wedding dress.”

“Did you find your dress?” I asked, tracing patterns on the white sheet with a finger.

“Not yet. Why?”

“It’s before the end of the year,” I said slowly.

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