Page 8 of Curves and Cradles

My mother and sister sit in Stella’s nursery, cooing at the baby while I continue to pack.

“I can’t believe it’s already time to go back to work,” I say to myself. “I’m not ready to leave her.”

“Jane, sweetie, you’ve had more time off than most women,” my mother says. She makes a goofy face at her granddaughter, then smiles widely.

“Yeah,” my sister pipes in. “You planned her birth perfectly.”

I snort. Right. Perfectly planned birthdate for my perfectly unplanned pregnancy.

“You got those six weeks of maternity, then straight into summer. Four months, Jane.” Kathleen shakes her head. “No one gets that much time off after having a baby.”

“You’re right. I’ve been blessed to have this much time with Stella. I’m going to miss her so damned much.” I zip up the diaper bag. Pausing, I grab two board books and reopen the bag to add them.

“The daycare has all that stuff. Stella’s going to be fine,” Kathleen says.

“Easy for you to say. You got to stay home with your babies,” I mutter.

“Ichoseto stay home. Justin and I saved for a long time so I could quit my job when the boys came.” My sister rolls her eyes. “I think about going back to work every day. I swear they’re trying to kill me.”

“I told you not to marry a twin. A multiple marrying another multiple.” My mother shakes her head. “Dangerous combination of genes.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Kathleen says dryly.

Kathleen is older than me by nearly six years and is the proud and exhausted mother of four-year-old triplets.

“One more year, sis,” I say. “Then they start kinder, and they’ll be someone else’s trouble during the day.”

“I’m going to nap for a month when that happens.”

I take Stella from my mother, setting her on the changing table. My perfect baby girl looks up at me with a wide toothless grin. I’m waiting to see if her staggering blue eyes will change to gray like mine or hazel like my siblings. But so far, every time my daughter blinks up at me, it’s with Kevin’s brilliant blue eyes. A knot tightens in my chest.Jackass.I change my daughter—diaper, then into a new sleeper.

“You know you don’t have to do this alone,” my mother says from the rocker.

It’s the same lecture I’ve gotten from every family member pretty much every day since I told them I was pregnant.Where’s the father? Who is the father? Is he going to be involved? Did he abandon you?

I’ve gotten tired of the questions. It’s exhausting making excuses for someone who deserves none. But talking trash about someone I’ll never see again seems like a colossal waste of energy.

The truth is, I have to do this on my own. I have no husband or partner to help. Yes, I have a family who pitch in when I need them, but at the end of the day, Stella is solely my responsibility. Emotionally, physically, financially... Stress eats at my belly, but I shove it aside. I have a stable job teaching high school English, which gives me decent insurance—not great, but decent.

“Why won’t you tell us who the father is, Jane? I told you Justin has that friend from high school who’s a detective. We could find him for you,” Kathleen says.

“We’ve been over this. There’s no reason to find him.” Oh, I’ve tried.

Kevin promised to come back to see me, to call and email when he had the opportunity. But I’ve heard nothing from him in thirteen months. I called the Navy base once I learned I was pregnant and tried numerous times to get a message to him, but they refused to pass anything along because I wasn’t family.

I’ve had time to make peace with the fact that my sweet baby girl will never know her father. Made peace with it but haven’t forgiven him.

I sigh.

I’m such a cliché.

“I’m good, y’all. I’m sad I don’t get to spend all my time with this sweet little nugget.” I bury my nose in the crook of Stella’s neck and inhale the addictive baby smell.

chaptersix

Kevin

Eighteen months later

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