Page 22 of Curves and Cradles

Is he testing me? I don’t want to go out with Logan, but maybe I’ll have fun. He’s a nice guy. And I can’t have Kevin. Well, technically, I can have him. He’s made that clear again and again. My body wants him. I haven’t had dry panties since he returned—my pussy is in a constant state of arousal. But I can’t commit to someone knowing I’m an obligation or a duty.

Kevin is an honorable man. So far, he’s made good on all his promises to get to know Stella and abided by all my rules. I know he wants me in a “let’s have some sexy times” way, but that’s not enough. I shouldn’t have to settle for less than marrying someone who loves me. Not because I’m the mother of his child but because I’m the one who makes his heart sing. Ugh, when did I become so melodramatic?

“What are you ruminating about over there?” Kevin asks. He eyes the backseat before pulling out of the parking lot.

“Being someone’s first choice,” I say before I can stop myself.

He makes a sound in his throat. “Yeah, I wouldn’t know what that’s like.”

I scoff. “Oh, please. No fewer than four women in that bakery want to climb you like a pole.”

He’s quiet for a minute before he speaks again. “You ever heard of adoption picnics?”

My heart plummets. I’m a damned idiot. “No, I haven’t.”

“They’re these big gatherings where prospective families show up to, like, a city park. Then they bring a bunch of kids who are in the system. There’s usually fair food, like hot dogs and cotton candy. Because it’s such a good idea to sugar up kids before parading them in front of would-be adoptive parents.”

I swallow but say nothing.

“Well, you can imagine how these shindigs went. The littles—the cute young ones—were the ones the families all glommed on to. The older kids were shuffled into the background. We were never the ones people wanted. Especially the boys.” He glances in the rearview mirror, then switches lanes. “I went to my last one when I was twelve. Just refused to go anymore.”

“Kevin—”

“Don’t. There’s nothing to say. It was a shit situation, but it was a long time ago. I’ve moved on. But yeah, I know all about not being anyone’s first choice. At least not in any way that matters.”

chapterfourteen

Jane

I slide the front door closed as quietly as possible, then set my purse and keys on the front table. The TV is on but muted and shows some sports news or something. I almost leave the room to check on Stella when the sight on the couch stops me cold.

Kevin is stretched out on my worn sofa with his arms wrapped loosely around our daughter as she sleeps soundly on his chest. His face is relaxed in slumber, and God, he’s so beautiful, it’s almost painful to look at him. To know I can never have him. Not the way I want. I could say yes and marry him, and he’d probably stay faithful while he’s out chasing terrorists. But he’ll never love me, or at least I would never know if he loved me for me or because I’m Stella’s mom.

I don’t want to be someone’s wife becausehe did the right thing.

I slip off my shoes, moving toward them and bending to grab my daughter. I’m bent over him when Kevin’s eyes open.

“Hey,” he says, his voice sleepy and quiet.

“Hey, yourself. I’m just going to get Stella in her crib.”

He frowns. “No, I’ve got her.” He maneuvers himself off the couch while holding Stella to his chest. He walks to Stella’s room and puts her to bed perfectly as if he’d been doing it her entire life.

“How was your date?” he asks once we’re back in the living room.

I plop down on the couch, folding a leg under me. “Not the worst I’ve ever had, but not great.”

Kevin sits facing me so our legs almost touch. “How so?”

“First of all, he talked about golf, like, the majority of the evening. I don’t even like putt-putt. So, I pretty much had no comment on all of that. Then at the end, he tried to kiss me, and I turned my face at the last minute, and he ended up licking my cheek.”

Kevin winces. “That’s what he gets for leading with his tongue.”

“Terrible technique. And now it’ll be all awkward at school.” I sigh. “And the whole time, I kept thinking...”

“What?”

“That he wasn’t you.” I give him a weak smile.

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