Page 106 of Shadow Break

“I keep thinking about that woman.”

“You’re referring to Sydney as ‘that woman’ now?”

“No, the woman I used when I was undercover. It keeps replaying over and over in my head. She was emaciated and broken and addicted to everything she could get her hands on. And I used her to get information. I didn’t help her. She did more for me when she was high, so if I needed answers I’d get her high.”

“Wow.”

“I know. It’s awful. I keep thinking if I’d asked God how to help her, she’d be okay.”

“How do you know she’s not okay? You could pray for her or look her up and get her the help you didn’t get her back then.”

Aaron’s head dropped. “She’s dead.”

“Oh.”

“I understand now that if I had asked God, he would have had a different way of getting what I needed.”

Peter cocked his head and smiled.

“I’m glad you find this so amusing,” Aaron grumbled.

“Humanity. We never fail to fail. You’re not the first, you know. You’re not the best at it either. There are many, many men who have messed up way better than you, and God still used them.”

“Exactly my point. You want to know how I’m feeling? What that faraway look is all about? I want to be a part of God’s plan, but I don’t deserve it. Not just that, I feel like God’s judgment is broken and in order to make sure he doesn’t make a mistake, I need to take myself out of the game because I know he won’t. I know he’ll use me if I’m willing, and I think he’s an idiot for doing so. I don’t trust myself after what I’ve done. I don’t know why he’s stupid enough to.”

“I thought after last night you’d gotten free of a lot of that stuff.”

“I did. God’s here again with me. But I feel like I should step back. I don’t want to ask him for anything because I don’t want to receive anything from him.”

Peter ran a hand across his mouth to rub at his smile. “Youfeellike you should step back?”

“Yes.”

“Youfeellike you shouldn’t receive anything from him.”

Aaron eyeballed Peter. “Yes.”

“You think you’re a better judge of how God should operate than he is? You think your feelings have anything to do with anything? Come on, Aaron. You know that we need to be careful about letting our feelings dictate things. And you’re assuming that God’s choice to use us has anything to do with him trusting us to do the job right.”

“Isn’t he?”

Peter shrugged. “You remember what Jesus said while he was still on earth? Everyone was celebrating him as this great man and he said he didn’t trust them because he knew all about what was in man’s heart. You’re worried you’re going to screw things up for God, but don’t you think he’s big enough to handle your screwups? Don’t you think he knows what you’re going to do before you do?”

“Well, sure, but — ”

“Do you honestly think that God asks for our help because he needs it? It’s for us, Aaron. Everything he does is for us. He’s willing to let us make mistakes and learn from them. And if we can hang on to him, we learn and grow and mature.”

“But I could have done so much for him on that job. I was supposed to be the light.”

“Except he already knew how that job was going to go.”

“Then why send me if he knew what was inside of me?”

“Because you didn’t know what was inside of you. Often he uses this hard stuff in our lives so that he can expose what’s going on inside our hearts and our heads. That way, we can let him into that space so he can fix it. I’ve been where you are. But I made a choice that if God wasn’t going to give up on me, I wouldn’t give up on me. I still get it wrong, you know.”

Aaron snickered. “I don’t know if I find that comforting or not.”

“You should. God’s got plans for you, but you’re on a journey and that journey won’t end in your lifetime. If you spend your life trying to be perfect, you’ll die of exhaustion. You had a big breakthrough. Don’t let go of that. Let God continue that work.”

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