Page 48 of Meeting the Billionaire Boss

Chapter49

Edward

I am a coward. A fucking coward.

My breath emerges like puffs of smoke as I tramp through the woods on the estate. It is freezing on this first day of the year but it’s nothing compared to the chill in my bones, the ice around my shattered heart.

I slept with Ava on Christmas night. I took her beautiful body in my arms and made love to her. It was incredible. But it also brought emotions to the surface that I thought I’d buried with Lucille. And so, after we’d made love, I crept out of bed while Ava slept and went to my study, sought solace in my business as I have done for years.

Christmas Day was one of the best days I’ve ever had, but that terrified me. I gave myself to Lucille, I trusted in what we had and I loved her and look what happened. After I lost her, I swore I’d never care about someone else or give my heart again, but bit by bit, day by day, Ava has got under my skin and I knew that making love to her would be dangerous. I thought, hoped, that I could separate the physical act from my emotions but as soon as I held her in my arms and entered her perfect, warm and soft body, felt her contract around me, everything changed.

I cannot let myself love her.

So what did I do?

I distanced myself from her. I left early on Boxing Day and went to London, to the apartment I keep there and I buried myself in work. I messaged her to let her know that something had come up and asked her to tell Joe. I returned to the estate two days later to spend time with Joe, but I kept my distance from Ava and she seemed happy to do the same.

Today is the official end of her contract as Joe’s nanny and she hasn’t signed the marriage contract so I have no idea what’s going to happen. I want to go to her and ask her to sign it so I know what comes next but that would mean seeing her feelings in her eyes and I just can’t be that close to her. It also makes me feel like the worst kind of bastard because I slept with her then I turned my back on her. I still need her to marry me but I also don’t know if I can put her through that. It’s all such a mess and it was meant to be straightforward, uncomplicated, a way to avoid drama.

But sleeping with her confirmed for me that if we do marry, it can only be a marriage of convenience and not a love match. Business deals work for me because I keep my heart out of them. In love, I am a failure, but in business I am in control, hard hearted and focused. It’s my safe place and so this must be about business and nothing more.

I will give Ava wealth beyond her dreams, a home and my name, but I cannot, will not, give her my heart.

Chapter50

Ava

Life can change in an instant.

The mind and heart don’t always agree.

I have gone with my mind. Or is it my heart?

Sitting in the small kitchen with cooking stains up the wall behind the hob that won’t come off however hard I scrub them, whatever miracle stain remover I use, I sip my supermarket brand instant coffee and try to remain calm. The clock ticks. The tap drips. A crow squawks outside on the windowsill, fluffing up its feathers against the freezing January air. I am Cinderella the day after the ball, thrust back to the hearth and the ashes of her dreams. I left everything from my life with Edward behind, except for the book necklace that Joe gave me and that is around my neck, close to my heart.

I swipe at my cheeks, brushing away the tears that keep flowing, because I made a decision and now I have to live with the consequences. Adulting isn’t easy and no one ever claimed that it would be.

Much has changed since August. My bank account is full. My debts paid off. The laptop on the table in front of me is top of the range. It is open to a webpage of properties I want Mum to consider as potential new homes. Life always moves on. Whatever happens; illness, death, heartbreak, it keeps going. I will survive this and one day, my time with Edward and Joe will feel like a dream. A beautiful, confusing dream. It already feels surreal, like I imagined it. After all, how could one man be so wonderful? How could I grow to care for him and his child so deeply?

I could have signed the marriage contract. I could have pretended in order to live in luxury, to stay near to Edward and near to Joe. Believe me, it was a struggle of epic proportions to turn away from the little boy, but in the end, I had to be true to myself.

I love Edward.

I love Joe.

That means that I cannot live a lie. I cannot be near Edward every day and know that he doesn’t love me. It would be torture and I am not strong enough for that. If I could be cold and hard then perhaps I would manage it, but over time I believe it would wear me down. I saw what loving a man who kept walking away did to my mum and I will not live that life myself. She kept believing in my father, kept hoping he’d change and every time he walked back in, she’d think that this would be the time he stayed. The last time, when she was ill, she believed he meant it when he said he loved her and then, one night, he was gone. Her purse was cleared out, her meagre jewellery box too, but the worst thing of all was how he had shattered her heart. And so, here I am, back where I started.

Part of me feels bad for Edward and Joe. A big part, in fact. I would have been able to secure the inheritance of majority shares and the role of CEO for Edward by marrying him and I did consider it, especially after Christmas Day. But it would have meant surrendering a large part of who I am and that would not have been fair on Mum and Daniel, and neither would it have been fair on me. We get one life: it’s not a rehearsal. I want to be me. I want to be the woman I was raised to be. I am not capable of being fake. Being close to Edward would have broken me with time. So much love cannot be buried, hidden away in a spare room like old furniture, gathering dust. Love needs the light, it needs to be nurtured, to evolve and to grow. If we try to curb it in any way, it can drive us mad and I am not prepared to be the mad woman locked away in the attic — albeit it metaphorically.

So here I am. Home. Where I belong.

Cynthia was back before I left and Joe was delighted to see her so I know he’ll be OK. Edward too. I’m sure Edward will find another woman to marry him so he can keep the estate and hopefully she’ll be strong enough to accept that he can’t give her love.

‘Morning, Ava.’ Mum shuffles into the kitchen wearing the fluffy red dressing gown I bought her for Christmas and the new soft wool moccasin slippers that are nice and roomy for when her feet swell.

‘Hey, Mum.’ I get up and we hug, and I bite the inside of my cheek to stop emotion overwhelming me. ‘Coffee?’ I ask, turning away so she won’t see the pain on my face.

‘That would be lovely.’ She sinks into a chair and I make coffee then place it in front of her.

---