Page 50 of A Song of Shadow and Starlight

"Because if I do," I whisper and my voice cracks, "that means everything in my life is a lie and I don't think I can handle that amount of heartbreak all at once." My bottom lip trembles and I hate myself for looking weak in front of him and hate myself even more for wanting him to wrap his arms around me and assure me everything is going to be alright.

"I'm sorry," he says tenderly, but doesn't make a move to touch me. "I know I don't understand how you feel -"

"You're right, you don't." My tone is biting and silences him. "You want me to believe Bastian is a literal monster, butyouare our enemy. Tell me you wouldn't act the same way if the roles were reversed."

"I know I wouldn't send Soul Eaters after my fiancé!"

"There has to be an expla -"

"And I know for damn sure, I would never torture or kill someone for enjoyment. Not a stranger, and not my enemy." He closes the gap between us, putting his palms against the wall, pinning me, forcing me to tilt my chin up and meet his fierce green gaze. "Everything I do, I do to protect my people."

"And who is to say Bastian does not have the same intentions?" I hold his stare. "Were you not the one who invadedmyhome to assassinatemyfiancé the night before our wedding? You want to act all high and mighty, Atlas, but you and Bastian aren't that different."

By the look on his face, one would think I struck him. "Tell me, Princess," Atlas' voice is hoarse, almost broken. "What scars mar your precious fiancé's body? How many of his friends were tortured to death for merely existing?"

My entire body is alit with shame. Last night in the hot springs, he told me of his past, told me how he got those scars on his chest, and even though I want to deny it, deep down I know Bastian had a hand in maiming the man hovering above me. His eyes are filled with pain, and for a moment, I feel as if I've betrayed him.

When I don't say anything in response, Atlas pushes away from the wall, away from me, and backs his way to my bedroom door, maintaining eye contact with me the entire time.

"Atlas -" I whisper, but he cuts me off before I can finish offering an apology.

"If you love him so much, then let Vesper take you back to Midori. Then you will see exactly what type of man you're dealing with. I just hope you see the truth before it's too late, because at that point, I won't be able to save you."

He turns on his heel and stomps out of my room, nearly running over Eris in the hallway.

"Atlas, is everything alright?" she asks, but he ignores her, opens his bedroom door, and slams it behind him. Eris fixes her confused gaze on me, and I can't stop the tears that stream down my face. In an instant, Eris shuts our door and beelines for me, wrapping her arms around me. "What happened?"

If Atlas didn't hate me before, I'm positive he loathes me now.

"Shaye?" Eris says softly while gently stroking her fingers through my hair. "Talk to me. What happened with Atlas?"

I'm well aware I'm sweaty and probably smell rancid, but I can't bring myself to pull out of her embrace. I let my tears slip down my cheeks. An entire week's worth; a dam unleashed.

Several times I open my mouth to tell Eris about kissing Atlas, about arguing with him, telling him that he and Bastian weren't different, but words fail me, and whimpers are all that escape my lips. My heart aches, my stomach churns, and a monster headache throbs within my skull.

"I think he hates me," I finally manage to say.

"He doesn't hate –"

"He does," I interrupt with ragged breaths. "He does. I know he does."

"And that bothers you?"

Her question is a loaded one. I should be pleased he hates me. It's how he should feel toward me; how I should feel about him. So why do I want to drop to the floor in a puddle of tears? Why do I wish he would come back and flash one of his crooked smiles my way?

Does it bother me to believe Atlas hates me?

Yes. And for that reason alone, I despise myself. I'm a traitor to my people, a fraud to my bloodline. We Midorians live by one rule:Never trust a Tronovian. And here I am befriending them, breaking bread with them, laughing, crying, and dancing with them. Here I am finding myself missing the feel of Atlas' lips on mine, his body pressed against my own. My wretched, treacherous heart! I wish I could pull it out of my chest and put an end to my guilt.

Eris glides her hands down my arms and pulls away to look at my tear-stained face. "Sit with me." She guides me to our beds and has me sit across from her. "Whatever happened between you two, I'm sure he doesn't hate you."

I shake my head, wiping furiously at my face. "I'm sorry, I must look like a mess."

"It's ok to cry."

"No, it's not. It's a sign of weakness."

"Who told you that?" Her voice carries sadness, and it makes my skin crawl.

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