Page 124 of Heathens

This is where the tough guy act comes in. I swipe a hand through my hair and stare at her bloodied bare feet, holding all of that anguish inside. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth, I won’t be able to stop screaming.

Sofie kisses my cheek and heads for the shower, checking the temperature before she disrobes. My eyes trail up her body, to the bruises that the fight has left behind. I grimace. They’re healing, but they cover most of her back and legs.

She opens the shower door and turns to me, extending a hand.

“Come here.”

How is she so sure of herself? How does she always know just what to do next? The last time I felt this helpless was with Selene, and that scares the shit out of me.

Well, at least we’re on the same page when it comes to the city.

We’re going to be able to run things the way I’ve always wanted. We can work more closely with the humans, to build trust and connections with them. We’ll keep the vaccine clinics going, maybe even remake the synthetic blood from scratch without the barbiturate, and help the population grow.

We can do it right this time.

I try to take off my pants, but my fingers are still half-numb and clumsy. My teeth clamp down as I strain, trying to pop the button, and in an instant, Sofie is at my side.

“You can ask for help, you know.”

“I can do it,” I insist.

My fingers continue to fumble, trembling through grief and muscle that’s repairing itself. Suddenly, I feel her hands on mine and look down into those beautiful green eyes.

“Don’t be stubborn,” she whispers.

I’m not in the mood for this shit right now. My shoulders slump and she kisses me on the cheek.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I ask.

“Because you kept your promise, and you saved Ruby’s life. I tend to value qualities like that.”

Sofie pushes my pants down past my hips, helping me out of them before leading me into the shower. The scalding hot water feels exquisite, and so do her hands on my waist, even if they’re just holding me up.

She washes me first, taking her time to clean the blood off of my skin with a cloth. When she brushes against bruises and over fractured bones, I hiss and bare my fangs, but she only shakes her head.

“Thought you were a tough guy.”

It’s a joke, but it’s hard to laugh it off right now. I’m struggling with the weight of my guilt. I don’t know how to tell her I’m sorry; it’s so much more complicated than those two words now.

“I didn’t mean for it to go down like this.”

“What do you mean?”

I shake my head and blink away the threat of tears. What more can I possibly say?

“Turning Ruby, Theo almost killing you, it… it was supposed to be different.”

“It’s okay to grieve.” She brushes her knuckles against my face. “And you saved Ruby’s life. We’re not going to fault you for that.”

I feel so fucking useless. I thought that finally having control over this place would fill me with vigor and life, but I’m just empty.

Except for when I look at her.

Sofie is the closest thing I have to an anchor.

I grab her, kissing her as hard as I can. She tastes different now, feels different now. A gentle ache ricochets around my heart like a shattered bullet, knowing that I’ll never feel the warmth of her skin again. Touching her used to feel like being out on a warm summer’s day, and now she’s only cold. My reflection.

But somehow she still carries that light.

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