Page 35 of Feel It All

I walk in, closing the door behind me, and set our stuff down on the coffee table. She comes back into the living room but is looking anywhere else, careful not to face me. “Winry, come on. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Hmm, I am good. I’m just going to go…”

“Winry,” I grab her hand before she walks away, turning her to where she finally is looking at me. My other hand finds her cheek. “Talk to me, buttercup.”

“I, um—sorry this is hard.” A tear escapes down her cheek and I wipe it away. My chest physically hurts right now; seeing her upset is heart-wrenching. “I just had a therapy appointment, I do them through Zoom calls sometimes. I didn’t think you would be over until after you slept some. I didn’t plan on burdening you with this so soon. Everything is going so well; I don’t want to ruin it.”

“Hey, look at me. You are not going to ruin this, and you are not a burden.” I stare into her eyes and lightly run my thumb over her cheek. “I promise you can tell me anything.”

“Oof, okay. Why don’t we sit down?” As we sit, I grab her legs, pulling them in in my lap, and place my hand on her thigh. “Well, um, ever since I was a kid, I have had a hard time with anxiety. Everything made me a nervous and stressed constantly, and I never slept…still don’t really sleep honestly. I constantly felt like I was responsible for everyone. I felt like I was responsible for my sisters, and when Mom would stay up listening to the police scanner, I would stay up with her. Just knowing she was worried would make me worried. I carried all of their emotions. It just got worse over the years. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but I felt like I had to hold it together. My sisters and my mom would lean on me, especially when Dad was at work. Every tear they shed I caught. There was one night when I was in high school and Mom and Dad had gotten into an argument. Nothing crazy, but still she cried the whole night while I sat there and wiped her tears, and I have done the same for my sisters many times. I shouldered it all, and I started having issues with depression also.”

I rub her thigh, silently encouraging her to go on. “Anxious thoughts mixed with depressed thoughts is a dangerous combination. I started having panic attacks when I moved out. Just being alone with my thoughts was too much. When I was home, it was like I didn’t have time for a panic attack because I felt like I needed to be strong for everyone else. Then my brain started telling me I was a burden to my family, that I was broken, and they would be better off without me.”

She pauses to take a deep breath. “The only person who I have ever told this to is my dad and therapist, but she told me today I have to stop carrying the weight of it, so here we go. A year ago, on my birthday…I have always hated my birthday—something always goes wrong. Last year, my family forgot about it. I went the whole day without a single call from my family. The voices were just so loud that I started to have a panic attack, the worst one I ever had. I couldn’t come out of it, it just felt like I was drowning, and no one was going to help me. I decided the only way to get it to stop was to end it. I know it is crazy, I know my family loves me and I have a great life, but in that moment those negative voices canceled all reason. Right before I did anything, Dad showed up here. He found me curled up in a ball in the bathroom. I told him everything, and he held me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. Overnight I guess Dad made some calls; I know the department has connections to psychiatrists and therapists. So when I got up, he had numbers for me to call for appointments. I promised I would go as long as he promised not to tell anyone ever.”

A lump forms in my throat, “Oh, Winry.” I pick her up her up into my lap and grip her tight. She is full on sobbing now and tears threaten my eyes when I think about what could have happened. The idea of her not being here in my arms makes me want to come apart. I remember her dad telling me about her struggles, but I never expected this. Winry is always so happy. I want her to always be happy. I will always do whatever I can to make her happy. I hold her so tightly like I am afraid she will just evaporate into thin air.

After a few minutes, her breath evens out and she wipes the tears from her cheeks. “I’m sorry, that was a lot. I didn’t intend on unloading all of that on you today.”

“Win, don’t you dare apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. You are so strong; I know reliving that had to be hard. Thank you for trusting me with that.” I squeeze her tight again.

“I am better now. I take medicine and go to therapy at least once a month. I still have some hard days, today being one of them. That’s why I hadn’t told you about my birthday; I don’t like to think about it.”

I press a kiss to her temple. “If you don’t want to do anything for your birthday, baby, we won’t. I’ll lie in bed all day with you if that’s what you want to do.”

“No, I want to do something this year, especially with you. Being with you makes me happy. I don’t want it to always have bad memories, so let’s plan something. Even if it’s just to the movies, I don’t care.”

“Okay, leave it to me, buttercup.” She looks at me with a smile, and a few tears escape. I wipe them away, and I have to bite back those three words. It’s too soon for those words, right? But I feel them, or I think I feel them. I have never been in love before. I definitely know what it doesn’t look like from my parents—hell, they barely told me they loved me themselves. I know this is different from my parents, but I don’t want to freak her out, so I hold them in.

“Okay, enough crying, you must be worn out. Why don’t we lie down for a while? I could go for a nap myself. Talking about that has made me mentally exhausted,” she says as she nestles her head in my neck.

“Okay.” I scoop her up, and she lets out a giggle. Oh, that sound, I know for sure I love that sound.

I wake up a few hours later, my body tangled in hers as she plays with my hair.

“Hey, how long have you been up?” I peer up at her.

“Not long. You look so cute when you are asleep. I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up.” Her hand moves down to scratch my back.

I lay my head down on her chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart. A heartbeat, I never thought it would be such a beautiful sound.

“Hey, my dad messaged that he is grilling some burgers and wanted me to come…would you come with me?” Winry asks sheepishly.

“To your parents’ house? Together? Is your dad good with me coming?” I have a feeling he won’t love the idea of me being there.

“What, are you afraid of him or something?” Winry jokes.

“No, I’m not afraid of him.” I am a little afraid. “I just didn’t know if he knew we were together that’s all.”

Her hands stop playing with my hair. “Graham, are you ever going to tell me what you and Dad talked about?”

“Nope,” I lean up giving her a quick kiss. “I’ll go with you tonight, Win.”

“Okay, you’re sure? You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“I’m sure.”

I am not sure. Part of me wants to go up and thank him for saving the best thing that has ever happened to me. The other part is afraid he will think I am not good enough for her. Which I know I’m not, but I want him to think I am, because I am trying to be.

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