Page 83 of The List of Things

His features are strong, and soft all at once. I’ve never been defensive about the things that have been said about me. My mind flashes back to Dylan, and a few of the others. To the mean girls, I’ve encountered long before Leah.

“I just mean Leah isn’t the first mean girl. Or guy, too. I’m not the cleanest when it comes to my history of hookups, Bell. You knew that. I’m always safe. I do everything right on the hygiene side, but when the hook up ends… And when it doesn’t work out someone usually ends up hurt. Whether that’s an ex-girlfriend or the guy. I’ve heard what she’s said in a thousand different ways. I don’t really care if people think that kind of stuff, it just rolls off of my shoulders… It’s not your fault. If we’re blaming anyone it should be me.”

Only part of the truth comes out. My chest feels heavy when some of the words that have been said to me play in my head. It doesn’t bother me daily, but it does sit with me. I don’t just forget about it. I can’t.

“That’s not true,” He says and I hesitate. “Kamryn... Baby…” He uses a new nickname, and warmth explodes from my stomach.

“It is partially true... I mean it hurts at the moment. I won't forget about it after it happens. Sometimes when I’m down on myself I think about it but it doesn’t... It’s not a big deal. Most people on this campus have heard plenty. I’m a quick fuck to most, and to the girls I’m…” I shake my head, my instinct to move away from him.

He keeps me right there, pressed against his chest.

“Hey… None of what she said is true, not at all. There’s nothing about you that you should be ashamed of. Especially when it comes to your sex life,” He tells me. “She’s jealous... I knew she would be... I figured, but I really don’t want you to let anything she says get to you. Leah is not important in your life... At all.”

I nod at his words. “Okay...” I agree with him. “I’m over it. I know she was just trying to get under my skin,” I nestle myself into him, my head pressing to his warm skin, his heartbeat playing in my ear like a song.

“You’re more than… I mean you... Your body is incredible, and you... You’re amazing in bed Kamryn, but you are far more than a quick fuck... So much more than that.”

I stay silent, my head against his chest, my heart in my throat.

“Thank you...” I accept the compliment that means more than he will probably ever know.

“And another thing. I know this is temporary. Everything with us is only for now, but when next year rolls around, and the year after, and every year until then… Whether you get married and have a bunch of kids or stay single forever because you chose yourself. I hope you know that it’s never anyone’s business or their job to make any comment on you, and what you do with your body. I know you know that. But it’s your business what you do in your bed. No one has the right to change that, or alter that, or make you feel any differently. I know you know that. I just don’t want you to forget it, because you’re one of the most carefree people I know and you’re a good person. It’s just... It would be a shame to let people who don’t matter take it from you...” His heart is broadcasted on his sleeve right now.

I close my eyes, not saying a word. Mostly because I have no idea what to say to him. I have no idea if I should say anything about the fact that as of right now, at this moment. Sleeping with anyone else sounds absolutely wrong to me. Not even wrong. I just don’t want to. I don’t know if I should tell him that the thought of what he said, me not talking to him, or not being around him next year like I was this year makes my stomach turn.

It’s been a week and I’ve gotten used to Bellamy. Yes, in a relationship sense. But not only that. I’ve gotten used to him as a friend. As a person... And I don’t like the thought of not having that. Despite feeling every bit of it, I keep it to myself, because I have no idea if this is a temporary feeling or if I’m starting to get too used to him being around.

CHAPTERNINETEEN

SIDELINES BY PHOEBE BRIDGERS

I wentto bed with no intention of sneaking out in the morning, but my fight or flight got the better of me this morning when I opened my eyes in a foreign place. It was Bellamy’s room. I was warm and perfectly comfortable. But I don’t sleep over. I don’t do that, and he and I have both talked about the lack of strings. He wanted me to stay the night but that doesn’t mean he needs to cook my breakfast and bring me a cup of coffee every time I sleep over. I was afraid of how awkward it could possibly feel waking up with him.

I say that as if there will be any more. I’m not even sure if what happened last night would happen again. If it were up to me Bellamy and I wouldn’t leave each other's bedrooms for the foreseeable future. I only have six days including today left before I’m on a train headed to northern Washington for the rest of summer. Bellamy and I are coming to an end sooner than not, and he needs to start focusing on summer sessions. This is an important year for him. The last thing I need is for Coach Corbin to start blaming me for anything. We’ve both got big plans for after college. We’ve both got futures in the NFL, and fake dating can’t get in the way of that… No matter how real it feels.

I didn’t want to sneak out, but I was afraid it would feel weird. Or he’d wake up confused. He’s the nicest smelling boy I’ve ever woken up next to. And I can also agree to say he doesn’t look completely disgusting like most do when they wake up. He’s a peaceful sleeper, a heavy sleeper. He doesn’t snore. Hell, he hardly even moved last night. He kept me where he wanted me the whole time we were asleep. I woke up in his arms, but he didn’t budge when I got up. It’ll probably work out better this way anyway.

I went straight to my apartment after I left him. I changed and freshened myself up, and then got back on the transit that runs all over campus. The bus is slowing now in front of the stadium, and I’m the only one standing up to get off. I’m in a tight pair of biker shorts, and a Seattle Pike University football shirt I got my freshman year. My black hair is in a tight ponytail on the back of my head, and my face is washed clean from the night before. I jog down the stairs of the bus and hold my small tote bag to my side, a water bottle, headphones, and a few other necessities inside. I make my way to the field, and the sun is bright as I descend the stairs.

“Hart!” I jump at the sound of my last name, not expecting anyone to be here this early.

I turn over my shoulder and see Coach Corbin walking down the steps toward me. He’s got sunglasses, his typical gym shorts, and a SPU shirt on. He’s taller than me, somewhat muscular, and always keeps a straight face. I know deep down he’s a big softie, but he definitely doesn’t look like it. I remind myself of that, knowing that's what everyone says.

“Hey, Coach Corbin!” I wave to him, and he makes his way to the same step I’m on.

We walk together now, down the large stadium steps toward the field. My nerves are at an all-time high, wondering why he’s here, and why he’s wanting to talk to me.

“What are you doing here this early?” He looks at his watch that rests on his arm. It’s probably around 10 am now.

“I come here and run, normally I follow the football schedule and make sure that there’s no one going to be here before I come. Since there’s no football or cheer right now I’m in the clear,” I press my lips together with a smile.

“That is until next week. I wanted to talk to you about that,” He tells me, and I nod my head as we walk onto the track.

I drop my bag, and stand up straight, looking at him head on, “What’s up?”

“Well, Archer told me about you earlier this year when I said I was looking to recruit some students for summer sessions. Now I don’t like recruiting students, though I’m forced to most of the time. But, I’ve had my eye on you, all the sports you help with, all the players you help. The coaches from the other teams have nothing but good things to say about how hard you work. You seem to know what you’re doing, and you also seem to really like sports too. You get into the games, and you pay attention to stats with the season. Compared to any other sports medicine student, you outshine all of them with all the extracurriculars you take part in. Your grades are stellar too, you check all the boxes,” He layers on compliments which from what I know is very out of character for him.

He’s normally straight to the point.

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