Page 34 of The List of Things

“Didn’t mean to get carried away...” He speaks softly, his thumb drawing over my bottom lip.

I hold his wrist, my eyes scanning his features, now more than ever feeling comfortable with him. I get what he meant before. How he said we weren’t completely comfortable yet. Now, after that kiss... There’s more tension, but more comfort as well. There’s ease with him… So much ease. I shake my head in response to him.

“It wasn’t just you. You’re a great kisser,” I tell him, and he raises his eyebrows, a dimple curling into his cheek.

“Am I?” He asks, and I push his chest back, breaking us apart.

I remove myself from him and off the kitchen counter as well, ignoring how easy it was for him to lift me like he did. The image replays in my head a hundred times over. Like a movie. This, all of this, is just like a movie.

“Don’t act like you were unaware,” I make my way back to the pasta sauce with an ache in my lower abdomen and my damp underwear.

Fuck Bellamy and his stupid quarterback hands…

I get to work, and the two of us continue to make dinner until it’s all finished. We plate our food together and sit down at his dining table. The wood is dark, almost black, and it matches the rest of the interior.

Another thing that I realize with Bellamy is that we don’t have to constantly talk. He’s here, and I’m here. He speaks when he feels like he needs to and I do the same thing. Normally I would feel uneasy in silence, but with him, it doesn’t feel awkward, or too still. It feels fine, which is comforting. I don’t have to talk constantly to entertain him. I knew this from when I would tutor him. I’d give him things to work on, and I could study. Sit in silence with him and not feel awkward like I did with some of the other students I tutored.He’s just easy.I guess if I was going to do this list with anyone, he’s really the perfect person. I’ll never admit that to him though.

The two of us eat, and we play out our dumb scene with one meatball. It’s as cheesy, and cringy as I imagined it would ever be, but he’s cute so it makes up for it. Bellamy doesn’t push with conversation. Most of it comes naturally from him, and it feels natural to me. I’m an open book either way, I just normally don’t talk much when it comes to the other sex. I keep it strict, and to the point, so it’s nice getting to talk to him about something other than schoolwork, or football.

“What did you say your parents' names were?” I ask, jumping out of my thoughts, and back into the conversation.

“My mom’s name was Amanda, and my dad was Chris,” He gives names to the faces I’ve made up in my head.

Our knees touch under the table, and the air between us is soft and calm.

“When they passed away how did you… I mean when you found out were you…” I hesitate, not knowing how to ask the question but wanting to be able to formulate the words.

I’m not good at this part. The casual talk about traumatic pasts, or sad things. It’s not an easy conversation to have even with someone you’re incredibly close with already, but I’m just learning to be close with Bellamy. I’m just starting this journey of being more than an occasional friend.

“We got a call when they were away. I remember not believing it at first. I forgot every day and would wait for them to come home from their work trip, but they couldn’t. It was really… It was really hard. It’s not something anyone ever should have to go through. I just knew I had to be there for my sister, and that’s what I did.”

His face changes when he talks about his sister.

“You two are close?” I ask, knowing he’s told me small things about her before now, but nothing crazy.

“She’s my best friend, and I’m hers. I went to therapy with her. We went to sessions together, and I did sessions on my own as well. She’s still in therapy to this day, I don’t know if she’ll ever stop. I got more time with my parents than she did though so I… I don’t get it but I do at the same time,” He explains, and I nod.

I don’t know what I would do if something happened to my parents. My heart hurts for both of them.

“At least the two of you had each other,” I add.

“I was about to quit football. The season was going to start, and I couldn’t imagine playing without my parents being there. I remember getting sick to my stomach at the thought of playing the sport, and still loving it when the people who made me love it weren’t there anymore. Bri was the only reason I kept going. She asked who she was supposed to cheer for if not for me, and we helped each other through that. It’s been a long time, and we’ll never get over it, but we’re stronger because of it I think. We’re as close as we are because of it too. I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if anything happened to Bri,” He explains, and I fight the urge to let my lip pout at how sweet, and heart filled his words are.

“I’d love to meet her one day…” I don’t know why I say it.

Mostly because that’s only a thing real couples do, and we are anything but a real couple. I have no reason to meet his sister. Not in the slightest.

“She’d jump for joy if I brought a friend over that wasn’t a guy,” He laughs, defusing the situation for me, and I could kiss him just for that.

He’s good at doing that. Easing things, and relieving tension. I, on the other hand, am the one who creates that tension.

“Your parents would be proud of you. Proud of all the stuff you’ve accomplished in college,” I know my words probably don’t have weight considering how new all of this is between us, but I hope it’s decently good to hear.

I hope it lifts something inside of him because he’s too kind to feel this kind of hurt. I wish he didn’t have to.

“I always imagine how happy they’d be to see how… Not to sound full of myself, but how good I am on the field now compared to how I was back then.”

I shake my head at his words and instantly jump into the conversation.

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