Page 106 of The List of Things

“Look Ryn-” I stop him right away, not wanting to hear him admit to anything at all right now.

“Bellamy. You lied to me. You never needed me, you… You what? You wanted sex? Is that what it was? You thought this would be the way to get it? Faking stupidity?” My voice doesn’t raise once.

My words are more harsh than I had intended.

“I never faked stupidity, I just am stupid. God Kamryn, do you think there was a way I could casually speak to you outside of class without-”

“Yes! There were plenty of ways! There are thousands of other ways besides wasting my time. You… Ugh! Bellamy, why did you do the list? Don’t make up some bullshit lie either. Tell me the truth.”

He sits in silence.

“You’re not going to like my answer Kamryn.”

My stomach drops, a thousand reasons crossing my mind.

“But I want to finish it with you…” He says.

I let out a small laugh, “Bellamy...”

I shake my head, my eyes locking outside of the car, not on him. I can’t look at him.

“Kamryn… One more date, that’s all I’m asking.”

I sigh, wondering how he’s even going to ask me that right now.

“You lied,” I speak the words again.

“I did, but... Kamryn, give me the last date, give me the beach just to hear me out. Let me mend some things. Please. I’ll tell you everything.”

“I just want to go home,” I admit.

What was his reasoning? Why did he do the list? Why was he so persistent? Why did he go so far as to add his own date? My heart sinks at the possibilities, and the fact that he knows I won’t like the answer. There are only a few good reasons, but most of them sound horrible rolling through my head.

“I’ll take you home then. I’ve never once wanted to do anything to upset you Kamryn. And I only lied once. Only once,” He tells me.

“What’s that supposed to mean? You shouldn’t have lied at all.”

He nods, “I know that, and you do too, and I’m sorry. Once doesn’t make it better but I’m telling the truth,” His voice is timid.

He’s not being aggressive as he tries to explain himself. That doesn’t make me want to hear him out, though.

“I’m sure you are sorry, and I want to think about all of this, and I’ll text you tomorrow about the date, but for now I just want to go home.”

My head is already full of muck, and tarnished thoughts of him, and what we’ve done the past two weeks.

“Kamryn, I never used you for sex,” He says and I feel relief but not fully. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t. So please don’t think that’s what all of this was.”

I look at him, and he looks worried, his face showing distress I’ve never seen on him before, “I believe you.”

His words from before are replaying in my mind. His words about the insecurities I’ve shared, about the insults that have been thrown at me. Bellamy might be dumb sometimes, but he’s not cruel. He’s not heartless. I have to believe him.

“Kamryn, is that the only reason you’re upset?”

I shrug. I feel hurt. Not just upset but hurt. I shouldn’t because none of this matters. Fake dating, then done. No strings, but it feels like I’m a puppet being pulled by about a thousand strings right now. There are so many strings I’ve tangled myself in it feels like I might never find a way out, and that’s not his fault. It’s mine. I let feelings get in the way, and if this was between me and anyone else, his lies wouldn’t bother me. They wouldn’t surprise me, but with Bellamy, it just feels different. So I'm lying now. I shake my head no, and shrug.

“No, I'm not even upset. I guess it just took me by surprise is all. You just…You took me by surprise,” The lie burns in my mouth.

I don’t want to lie to him, but he lied to me. For months he lied, and I hate the thought of all of it. I hate that I wasn’t something that happened, I was something that he planned.

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