Page 114 of The List of Things

Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift. The other day. I sang it to him in the car, and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing me. My heart melts.

Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon. This is the kind of song I’ve always wished made someone think of me...

Anything by Dodie... I’ve never heard this song. I’ve never cried to a song the way I do right now. Guilt settles deep into my chest.

While I Have You Here by Johnny Knox. I contemplate going straight back to campus right now after hearing this song. I wish I knew he felt like this before I ran away from him.

It takes me a while to get through every song, but the minute I reach the last one. I can’t help but cry. I repeat the song over and over again. I listen to the lyrics every time, hearing them through Bellamy, and my heart breaks.

I don’t like that he lied to me. I don’t like how that made me feel. But I’m not dumb enough to think he’s anything like Dylan. I’m not silly enough to let my past get in the way of Bellamy, and what he could offer. I just don’t know how I’m going to translate that to him. Words and feelings have never been my strong suit.

CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT

SATELLITE BY HARRY STYLES

It’s been a week.I got back on campus a few hours ago. I drove three hours back, Bellamy’s playlist for me on shuffle, just like it has been the past week. I spent every second I could with my mom and dad. They always clear my head, and I’m glad I have a place I can always go back to no matter what I need.

I haven’t talked to Bellamy. I haven’t talked to anyone except Sienna all week. To get my mind off of things I’ve begged her for any ounce of juicy details between her and Lawson, but she swears there isn’t any. She says she hasn’t seen him since the New Year’s party which she claims she didn’t sleep with him at. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth but she says I need to worry about fixing Bellamy and me before I worry about her and Lawson. Fair enough.

I was surprised that Sienna wasn’t waiting inside my apartment, bouncing off of the walls with excitement the minute I got back. We never go too long without seeing each other. Summer is the worst because we have to go at least a month before she cracks and comes up to see me for a week or so. Lucky for us, I called Sienna and invited her over to come and sleep over tonight. I’m sure she’ll have a million questions about Bellamy.

I’m at the stadium field right now. Summer sessions don’t start until tomorrow. Meaning the field will be empty today, and it’s afternoon so I know Bellamy won’t be here. I want to run, clear my mind more, and get myself in the right headspace for not only talking to Bellamy but summer sessions. I park my mom’s car, and get out, bringing my bag with me. I’m still wearing Bellamy’s shirt. It’s my favorite now.

I make it inside the stadium and start down the stairs, my eyes focusing on a group of cheerleaders, making their way off of the field, and up the stadium stairs. My heart sinks straight down to my ass, panic setting in. I don’t see her right away, and then I do, her short blonde hair flashing from within the group. She has it half up half down, a sparkly cheer bow tied into it. I’m not sure how she still looks good after what I assume was a practice but she does.

I make eye contact and then divert my eyes. She hates me, and I kind of hate her. I don’t need any more drama or trouble. I’m not one to back down, but for my sake, and Bellamy’s, I think confrontation needs to be avoided. Even if that is against my normal judgment. I pass by the group, no words exchanged, and let out a quiet sigh of relief. Thank god.

“Hey girls, I’ll be up in a second, okay?” I hear her voice, and I cringe, knowing what’s about to come.

I keep walking though, pretending like I didn’t just hear that.

“Kamryn, wait up!”

I want to pretend like I didn’t just hear her, but insanity would be the only explanation since she was loud and clear. So I stop, right at the entrance of the field, and I turn to see her jogging back down the steps.

I’m short. At least compared to most, but Leah is a different level of short if she’s smaller than I am. I angle my head down to look at her. I take her in, her nervous look. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her with anything but a scowl on her face.Be nice, be nice, be nice.I repeat it in my head, knowing it will do me no good to be a bitch to her. Even if she does somewhat deserve it.

“What’s up, Leah?” I ask, staying neutral.

“I wanted to talk to you…” She starts strong, and I just stare at her. “I wanted to apologize to you, and I know you like to talk, so just don’t do that right now so I can say what I need to say,” She speaks quickly.

“The floor is yours,” I wave my hand between the two of us, letting her have what she wants.

“I shouldn’t have said the things that I said. I was mad, and I was jealous, and I thought I was making him see something he couldn’t see before. But that was dumb because Bellamy is… Well, he’s a good person and he doesn’t care about all the stupid stuff… The stuff I shouldn’t care about either. It’s not my business who you, or anyone sleeps with. Even if it is my ex-boyfriend,” She clarifies. “To be honest, I said it without thinking which doesn’t make it better. I just always saw you as someone who didn’t care. I was saying what I did so it would hurt him, not you… and when I saw the look on your face, and all of his friends react the way they did. I realized that I did more than what I intended so I’m sorry,” She finishes.

I raise my eyebrows. “Can I talk now?” I ask, and she nods, resting her weight on her left side. “I’m assuming you were the one telling people I was fucking Bellamy to make you jealous… That we had some deal going on?” I ask and she sighs.

“No actually, it was one of the girls on the cheer team. She thought it would get her brownie points from me, that I would buddy up with her, but it just made me feel worse. I never wanted people to hate him or you. I just wanted my ex back, and I realized after your party that wasn’t going to happen. He was always a good guy but he wasn’t good for me. Bellamy never looked at me the way he looked at you. He never cared the way he does with you. Or maybe I never let him, I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter. I shut the rumor down. I told her if she ever said anything like that again that I’d have her suspended from the team.”

Leah’s words are shocking. I never expected her to admit to any of this. To own up to it.

“I appreciate your apology. I’m assuming you said the same thing to him?” I ask and she nods.

“Something similar. I also apologized for just being a bitch to him in general. About you, about our break up. For breaking up with him. I don’t always have the best judgment at times,” She explains.

“So, what does this mean then?” I ask.

“It means we go through senior year civilly. We still go to each other's parties and we stay neutral. Even if you are sleeping with my ex,” She shoots me a look, and I wait for a beat.

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