Page 109 of Love You Wild
He simply loops his arm through mine, tugging me down the sidewalk. “So we can talk about why you snuck out on me in the middle of the night.”
“I didn’t sneak out on you,” I argue.
“We’ve already deduced that’s exactly what you did, Claire. No point in arguing about it.”
“Well,” I start, holding up a finger. “I wouldn’t call it sneaking out. Just, you know…” Where am I going with this?
“Sneaking out?”
My nose scrunches with my glare, and I catch sight of Avery’s handsome smile before he presses his lips to mine. It’s fleeting, because we’re mid-stride, and I probably shouldn’t let him do that because kissing me in public on a Wednesday morning…that’s the type of thing that feels all relationship-y and screws with my head. But I take it, simply because I want it.
“Why’d you leave? Am I not a good snuggler?”
I giggle quietly. “You’re an excellent snuggler, Avery. But isn’t this…wasn’t that, you know, for the best? We didn’t have to do the awkward morning-after-the-one-night-stand stuff.”
His forehead creases, and I swear I see the beginning of a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. “One-night stand?” He recovers quickly, slapping a smile on his face. “That wasn’t a one-night stand, Claire. I plan on having you for many, many more nights.”
“Bet you say that to all the girls,” I murmur, half teasing, half actually wondering.
“Literally none of them. Just you.”
Peering at him out of the corner of my eye, I examine this man. I want to say he smirks, flashes me a coy grin, looks anything but genuine, but he doesn’t. He’s quiet, pensive, teeth working that bottom lip. He looks anxious, unsure. My stomach flip-flops when he looks like that.
I don’t want him to get tired of me. What I was is him. I want him so much it actually hurts thinking that I can’t have him, not permanently, at least. It hurts thinking that one day soon he’ll be inside of another girl, whispering the same words in her ear, making her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
I squeeze my eyes shut and turn away, willing this feeling in my stomach, in my heart, to just go away. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to fall for someone right after being cheated on, when I can’t possibly trust anyone, let alone someone who doesn’t do commitment, who’s successful at picking up girls at the bar and taking them back to his place?
“You’re doing that thing where you think too much,” Avery says quietly. “Just relax and enjoy what is. You had fun last night, didn’t you?”
I nod because I did. Of course I did. It was what I needed, I think, and I can’t remember another night where I felt more free, free to go after what I want, to embrace my needs.
“Then what more is there to worry about? We had fun together. Just relax.”
There it is, the reminder about what exactly this is between us: fun. Nothing more than a couple of exciting nights together. I should take his advice and just relax, stop overthinking. But I can’t, not really. Because it’s too late for that. My heart’s already involved.
And that’s the problem. And I knew that would be the problem right from the beginning.
You know what the scariest part is? I can’t remember ever feeling like this about Aaron, ever being so goddamn wrapped up in him, even in the beginning when everything was new and exciting. Even the first time we told each other I love you. So what does that mean for me? For us, me and Avery?
It means I’m fucking terrified of my heart and the way I feel like a loose cannon because of this man beside me, currently holding my hand, being incredibly patient with me right now.
“What do you normally listen to on your way to work?”
I look up at the sound of Avery’s soft voice. He motions to the earbuds I’ve been clutching in my fist since I opened my door. When my fingers unravel, he takes one bud and pops it in his ear. A smile tugs up the side of my face as I put the other one in my ear and fish my phone out.
My walking to and from work playlist is actually, I’m sure, the weirdest, most makes-no-sense playlist in the world. It’s only four bands, and while my love for music is wide and extensive, these are the only bands I like to listen to while I’m pounding the pavement. The Tragically Hip, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Blue Rodeo fills the list. I press shuffle and the familiar opening chords from Better Man fill my ear.
Avery listens for a moment and then gives me a quizzical smile, gaze drifting over my face. “Pearl Jam?” He lifts the hand he’s holding to his mouth, brushing a kiss across my knuckles, and I feel it right between my legs. “I love everything I learn about you.”
We walk in silence, weaving in and out of traffic, Avery humming along to every single song. When we stop in front of the brewery, his driver, Jacob, pulls up at the same time, almost as if he was hiding in the shadows, just waiting for us to show up.
Avery gives me back my earbud and takes both my hands in his. With a smile that looks nothing short of tender, he asks, “Do you regret it?”
Do I regret it? It’s an interesting question. I regret walking into this whole thing with my heart left wide open when I knew better. I regret staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship with Aaron for far too long. I regret not knowing my self-worth. But do I regret last night?
“No, Avery. I could never regret that.” Pushing up on my toes, I press a kiss to his lips, my palm curving over the back of his neck. “Have a good day at work. Thanks for walking with me.”
I climb the stairs to my office, and those butterflies in my stomach turn to rocks, dragging me down, making my feel heavy and unsure. It matches perfectly with the ache in my chest.
