Page 76 of Always Yours

I shake my head at that. This is dumb and I don’t have to explain myself, but I can’t stop myself. “You do realize I haven’t been with anyone since I met her, and she just kissed me for the first time tonight. So yeah, you guys don’t know shit about me. When I say I’m going to do something, I’m going do it. I fight and work for what I want. So have a good night.” I start to walk away, but then I stop. “I do love you, Mom, and I’m sorry for that comment. It was disrespectful to you.”

“Thank you, my love.” My mom gives me a real smile, her eyes bright. “I love you.”

And with that, I walk away, madder than hell but even more determined to prove everyone wrong. To make anyone who doubts me eat their words. I know they are worried and are only looking out for me, but I’m not a kid anymore. I have grown up and become a pretty decent dude. Or at least I think so. Every choice I have made has been one I chose because I knew it was what I wanted. The consequences, the mishaps…whatever will happen, will happen. But at the end of the day, I do what I want with my best interests in mind.

And I do what makes me happy.

Austen makes me fucking happy.

The whole drive home, I replay the conversation with them, and I get madder with each passing mile.

Austen isn’t home when I get there, and I’m thankful for the moment I have to sit and think. I take a seat at the island, unbuttoning my jacket before resting my chin in my hand. I don’t know what the issue is now.

I am ready to swan-dive into whatever makes me happy with Austen. The touch of her lips, the feel of her body against mine. I mean, there is no way in hell I can think clearly. As I told my dad, though, I haven’t been with or even talked to any women since Austen came into my life. I haven’t wanted to, and that has to mean something.

I live for her little quips, the anger playing in her eyes, and those damn fuzzy socks. How she acted like she was reading, but really, I knew she wasn’t. She was watching me play Xbox, laughing when I’d die in the game. She made me not want to go out; I only wanted to stay home with her.

I still only want to stay home.

With her.

Fuck, that’s scary.

But I can’t forget my hockey hasn’t suffered like they suggested it would. Why hasn’t anyone noticed that? I am getting stronger, faster, and my hockey IQ is off the charts right now because of her. Because of Austen. I’ve taught her everything I know, and then we go over whatever the coaches give us to improve when we get home. That has to say something, that has to tell me I am able to do both. My career and her. But I can’t ignore the real problem or the problem everyone keeps bringing up.

Dan Davenport, the apparently very powerful man who could end me. God, this is stupid. If Davenport isn’t the one to get rid of me, I know for a fact it’ll be Shelli. I may have fixed things, but I don’t know that she’ll ever let it go. If Davenport asked her to remove me, she would. And then what?

Everything I’ve worked for would be gone?

For…Austen.

Okay, I have to think logically here. I haven’t slept with her. There are hardly any feelings between us, just a whole bunch of lust.

“Fuck me, even I know that’s a fucking lie,” I say out loud, smothering my face with my hands.

Because it is. It’s more than lust; I know it is. But damn it, if I don’t feel like I’m on the road to becoming Quinn Adler to the second power. I don’t want that. I don’t want to beg someone to love me, but would I have to? Austen is absolutely into me; I could feel it from her body, and I feel it in my soul… Oh, I’m so fucked. I run my hands down my face and look up at the ceiling as the thoughts pound in my head. If I let this happen, do what I am sure is going to happen once she walks through that door, I’ll be hers.

In less than a heartbeat.

Plain and fucking simple.

The way she looked at me in such a pleading way, as if I would deny her. As if I would tell her she’s a freak for not ever kissing anyone. Was she fucking kidding? That shit turned me on so strongly I couldn’t see straight. Hell, I still can’t. It made me want to wrap my arms around her and never let anyone touch her. Never let anyone taint her because she is pure and fucking perfect.

And she ismine.

“Goddamn it.” My voice breaks, and I feel a sob burning my chest. Because I know, I fucking know I could fall so deeply for her, my life wouldn’t have any meaning without her in it. I know it.

And if I don’t make the roster, I could potentially hold her grandpa accountable, and that could come between us. Ruin us. Ruin me. Then what would I do? I don’t have an education to fall back on; I don’t have a plan. All I want to do is play fucking hockey for the team my dad played for.

Maybe I should make another plan, call my agent, but that wouldn’t make sense. If I’m in the US, I want to play for Elli’s team. If not, I could go back to Russia to play, but I know Austen wouldn’t go. She’s too deep into her grandpa’s new team, and I doubt she’d want to leave her family, when apparently she just got back with them. Whatever that means.

But also, how is this supposed to work if she’s in Knoxville and I’m here?It’s a two-hour drive, dumbfuck. I know I’m being negative, because I’d drive to the ends of the earth for her. But would she do it for me? What if she’s just looking for someone to feel things with? What if I’m reading too deeply into this, and she’s just coming home to fuck? Jesus, what is wrong with me? I know I am overthinking, the one thing I told her not to do.

And yet, here I am, losing my fucking mind.

I let my head fall back, taking in the living room. A stack of books sits next to the Xbox, ones she’d brought from her room and then some I picked up for her this afternoon. She doesn’t know they’re here yet, and I was excited because I got us both a copy so we could read at the same time. The couch has her socks hanging off the back with a huge fuzzy blanket too. Her favorite pillow rests there, while mine is on the other side next to where a six-pack of beer sits near the bottom of the couch.

The whole apartment is our oasis—where no one can see us and time could stand still if we allowed it. Where it is easy and no one can put scary thoughts in our heads. I’ve gotten used to what we have here. The privacy and the perfection of a space that no one can touch. I clear my throat once more, drawing in a deep breath before I let it out in a whoosh. I don’t know what to do, but I do know three things.

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