Page 60 of Always Yours

“That’s understandable, Austen. You know that, right?”

I nod. “I do, and I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m less than. I hate thinking that I’m not able to live, when I fucking left!” I yell, the tears streaming down my face. “I fucking left, I fought for myself, and now I’m letting them ruin something that could bring me happiness.”

I don’t use the f-word often, but even I can’t refrain at this moment. My thoughts are in abundance in my head, and soon…soon, I can’t stop. “But then I wonder if I’m using my past as an excuse. Yes, the cult did some really messed-up stuff to me, but my sisters experienced the same and they’re living. Am I scared of feeling something? Because this guy can look at me and break me with a look. I swear I feel his gaze all over me all the time, and I feel so good. But then I’m like, surely he isn’t looking at me. Could it be because I’m scared of the rejection when he realizes I’m so pathetically inexperienced? Or is it really just fear that he’ll think I’m a fucking freak from living in a cult for most of my life?” I say, my voice breaking with a sob. “Am I still so messed up that I can’t find happiness? I don’t know. I really don’t. The only thing I do know is he scares me. He really scares me.”

A sob rips out of me, and I cover my face as I shake from it. Angela doesn’t cuddle me or comfort me—thankfully, because I’d probably lose it. Instead, I feel her presence beside me, and when I open my eyes, she’s handing me a tissue. Through my tear-blurred gaze, I whisper, “I’ve never even kissed a guy, and I want so desperately to kiss him. But how stupid will he think I am when I tell him that? Will he laugh at me?”

She moves then, her hand coming to the back of my bicep, stroking it. “Can I ask you a question?” I nod, and she smiles, her eyes searching mine. “You’ve been with very evil men, correct?” I only nod, and so does she. “So, don’t you feel you’re a good judge of character?”

My breath catches as I gaze into her eyes. “I am, which scares me even more, because at least with the evil men, I knew their intentions. With him, I don’t.”

Emotion moves across Angela’s face, and a moment passes between us. “Giving yourself to someone is hard, more so when you’re forced to do so. From what I’ve gathered, you have this chance to discover yourself and to do it for you.”

She’s right. “I do.”

“See?Youhave the power. So what do you want to do with it?”

His eyes appear, his dimples coming next, before that easy smirk slides into view for me. My heart skips a beat, every butterfly known to man comes alive in my stomach, and my insides clench.

“I want to live.”

Her eyes are full of such pride, and I don’t understand why. She doesn’t know me like that, but she supports me. With a grin, she says, “Then do just that—your way.”

twenty

Dimitri

My body is still vibrating, and I want to step between Shelli and Austen to protect her. To not allow Shelli to make her feel bad or even think badly of Austen.

“I don’t feel this is a conversation for me to be a part of,” Austen says, her voice so shaky. Her voice sounds like how I feel. “Plus, I have a session today.”

What session? Despite my need to ask, I don’t say anything. I really want to stop her and beg for her number. I need to talk to her. I want to talk about the letter and more.

But first, I have to fix things with Shelli Adler-Brooks.

When I see that Austen has left the hall, my gaze meets Shelli’s. A girl I’ve known my whole life. “You know good and well I would never hurt anyone. I hope I didn’t hear you right when you implied I would.”

With her shoulders back, her eyes dark, she glares up at me. “She looked very upset, and with you coming up behind her, it was only natural I would assume something happened.”

“But it could have been anything other than me doing something to her. I would never do anything that isn’t wanted.”

Her brow perks. “She is a guest. I don’t need you corrupting her.”

“Corrupting. That’s a very loaded accusation. Are you implying I corrupted you?”

She narrows her eyes, those depths full of anger. “You’d have to matter to corrupt me.”

“So you say, yet I hear you’re telling everyone you hate me.”

“Because I do,” she says simply. “You lied to me.”

“Wow,” I say, nodding as I grip myself under my arms, squeezing my arms over my chest tightly. “How did I lie to you?”

“You told me you loved me!”

“Because I do,” I say, fully unaffected by her outburst. “I always have, Shelli. Like a sister, because we are family.”

Her eyes shoot daggers. “You don’t sleep with you sister!”

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