Page 24 of The Lost Child

I wouldn’t somehow magically earn his love.

The time for that was past . . . if the window had ever been open to begin with. I think I always knew it deep down inside, from that first moment he’d pushed me down at the tender age of five for crying when one-eyed Lorey had scared the piss out of me, lunging at me from the shadows.

No, it was quite clear that there was nothing on this continent that I could do to earn my father’s affection. It would have to be bought, like everything else in life.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.

Just like Canavar.

His eyes drifted shut and he laid down eventually, and he slept heavily like a dead man, but his chest rose and fell in regular intervals. Come to think of it, I could use a few more hours myself. I yawned, stretching my arms. It would be the best way to pass the time. Ideally, I wanted to learn more about Canavar, but judging by the heavy snoring coming from his direction of the cave, it wouldn’t happen anytime soon.

I sighed.

Sex was clearly a component of my magick, but I didn’t understand why or how. Sex itself hadn’t built my magick up horrifically in my chest, pressing against my veins and pushing my blood until I could barely breathe, let alone think.

It couldn’t be random. Nothing in life was random. I had to believe that because if I didn’t, it meant life was nothing more than violent acts perpetrated by violent people until someone more powerful put a stop to it.

I didn’t know what else to do with myself. Hadn’t I proved that I was just as capable a pirate as everyone else, perhaps more so? Hadn’t I brought our company wealth and prestige, with resources that strengthened and sustained us?

Perhaps nothing was ever good enough for him, I mused. I glanced over tiredly at Canavar, only able to see the dim outline of his body on the floor. He was a perfect example of my father’s ‘love’: do what I tell you, and maybe I’ll feed you today. Follow every order, and the beating will only maim you, not kill you.

It was no way to live for either of us.

For the first time, I contemplated what life might be like off this island. I could easily man one of the smaller vessels and go wherever I wanted. But where? Every map of the area was kept stored away by lock and key in the cabinets high above my father’s desk. I realized he hoarded knowledge the same way he hoarded his gold: like a dragon from the tales of old.

I knew my way around this island and that area surrounding, but I knew nothing about the great ocean itself, or what lay beyond. I’d heard the other men talk about a place called Dorea, but father had only said it was a large mass of land full of nothing but savages and demons.

That wasn’t right though, was it?

The ships we attacked (whether pirates or not) had to come from somewhere else. It had to be this continent of Dorea. It had to be where he was meeting this king who wanted to know more about drakens. Why would father lie so vehemently?

The answer came fast. It was the same reason he did anything in life: to retain control.

I vowed then and there to interrogate some of the others and learn everything I could about Dorea. I laid back down on the cold dirt floor, closing my eyes and imagining it; I’d take Canavar and we’d go away from here. We’d eat whatever we wanted and as much as we wanted. I could spend my mornings and evenings greeting the sun, and I could finally let go of the constant high alert I always was on due to my surroundings.

What would it be like to live with your guard down?

I let the pleasant thoughts consume me as I drifted back off to sleep, still exhausted.

Ten

Afew days had surely gone by, but in the darkness I had no way of knowing. Canavar slept heavily, and I hoped it was because he was healing, and not because I’d screwed him up somehow.

My throat hurt from how dry it was, and I wondered if this was part of my father’s plan: to kill both of us slowly from neglect while he was away.

Another pang of regret welled in my chest. Canavar lived like this constantly.

Shuffling came from the tunnel, but I didn’t even bother to turn my head. It likely was a rat. I vaguely wondered if it would come closer if I stayed still. Could I kill it? I bet Canavar could. If I got desperate enough I might be able to eat it raw…

“Rissa. Psst.”

Now I was hearing voices.

“We’re too late. I told you we should have gone the moment the captain left.”

“Shut it. You know he likes to sometimes circle around the island and spy on us. This was the safest way.”

Hallucinations were funny. They almost sounded like Hai and Kai.

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