Page 20 of Surrendering the Skies

Geneva groaned and covered her face with her hands. “I knew I was going to mess this up,” she said, dragging them downward. “You’ve had such an amazing career, and everyone I know has the utmost respect for you. For the longest time, I wanted the same exact thing, or at least I thought I wanted it, but now…” Bending over, she shielded her face again and let out another noise of exasperation. “Now I’m rambling, which I didn’t want to do.”

“Commander, believe it or not, you are not the first officer to sit in that chair and voice the same doubts.”

She peeked at him from behind her fingers. “I don’t know if this information makes me feel better or worse,” she mumbled. “So, how did it work out for them?”

Walker raised one eyebrow. “I didn’t become angry and throw them out of my office, if you’re worried about such a thing.”

A snort of laughter left her chest. “No, I guess you wouldn’t have.”

“Consider it your permission to speak freely.”

She leaned back, avoiding his gaze by staring at the ceiling. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I used to wake up every morning excited about what the day would bring. I set goals, met them, then set new ones. Sure, not every day was an adventure, but I loved the work I did and believed I was helping people throughout the galaxy.” A lump formed in her throat, and she tried to swallow it down. “I’d do anything to get that feeling back.”

“Again, you’re not the first to express such concerns, though I know you won’t find it reassuring.” He tapped his index fingers together in front of his chest. “And I know you also won’t like it when I tell you there’s no one right solution for what you’re experiencing.”

“I figured as much.” She straightened a little, finally resuming eye contact with him. “But I’ll take whatever words of wisdom you have to offer.”

“As you alluded to, there’s no doubt in my mind you can reach whatever goals you set for yourself here. From the moment I first met you, I was confident you’d find success with the Terran military, whether under my command or someone else’s.” A small sigh escaped his lips. “But if your heart’s not in it anymore, you’ll only be disappointing yourself.”

“I don’t want to disappointanyone.” Emotion tightened her throat again. “I’ve never failed at anything before. How do I know what my next step should be?”

“You know I can’t answer that for you.” Sympathy creased his brow. “You do have a number of options. Stay here and hope your general state improves. We can talk about a transfer to a different ship, if you’d like.” Folding his hands on top of the desk, he glanced down at them for a moment before looking back at her. “And if you decide this sort of life is no longer for you, we’ll get the appropriate paperwork started, and I will sincerely wish you the best as we part ways.”

Hearing him say the last words aloud made her palms grow clammy and sent an unpleasant shiver over her skin. “You don’t have to make a decision right this second, of course,” Walker said before she could answer. “Nothing you’ve told me has indicated you’re unfit for duty, so I don’t want you to worry about being put out of commission, either.”

“Thank you.” The conversation seemed to be nearing a natural conclusion, yet Geneva couldn’t force herself to rise from her seat. “Before I go, I need to point out this has nothing to do with not being able to fly out to Dorann with Ash like I wanted. I’m not that petty.”

“I never would have claimed you were.” He shifted in his seat. “For what it’s worth, Kasarad was a tough assignment; I won’t try to deny it. It hasn’t been too long since our return to the more inhabited sectors of space, so you may want to take those factors into consideration, too.”

She wrinkled her nose. “I feel like I should be setting a better example for my team and be strong enough to not let it affect me so much.”

“You’re taking care of yourself before any problems grow too big to be solved, which is the best example you can set.” Fixing her in another intense stare, he stroked his chin. “Tell you what—we’re scheduled to be passing by the outer boundaries of the Enegar system soon. When we’re close enough, why don’t you go home and take a few days to clear your head, see if it helps?”

Geneva shot him an incredulous look in return. “Weren’t we just having a heated discussion about the amount of my accumulated leave time not too long ago?”

The tiny smile reappeared on his lips. “I said a few days, not a week or two. Besides, you’ll be close enough where we could get you back to the ship in a hurry in case of emergency, unlike when you wanted to travel who knows how many miles away to Dorann. We’ll probably even be close enough for you to teleport instead of taking a shuttle.”

Her brows knit together. “Are you sure?”

“I’ll do what it takes to make sure I get 100 percent of your effort and enthusiasm while you’re serving under my command.” Having made his final authoritative declaration, Walker stood and gestured toward the door. “We’ll work out the details when we get closer. In the meantime, let me know if there’s anything else I can do for you.”

She nodded. “Thank you, Admiral. For…for everything.”

Relief washed over her as she left the office, but the sense of satisfaction didn’t last long. There was one more difficult conversation she couldn’t avoid. Geneva headed back to her quarters and hesitated at the door. Deep down, she knew her mother was right, that Ash would want to know all about the worries and doubts keeping her awake at night. Expressing them to him, though, wasn’t going to be easy.

Inside, the sound of water cascading from the shower drifted from the bathroom. She sat on the edge of the bed to wait, preparing all she wanted to say. A few moments later, she heard the faucet shut off, and Ash soon emerged from the other room, rubbing his hair with a towel. “Hey, there you are,” he said. “I couldn’t believe I beat you back here for once. I finally got the hot water all to myself.”

His cheery demeanor usually improved her own mood, but today, it only increased her anguish. “I had a meeting with Admiral Walker.” She bit her bottom lip. “This time, I’m the one who scheduled it.”

He spread the towel over a chair, his brow creasing. “Everything okay?”

Geneva took a deep breath and let it out. She decided to try out one of her mother’s suggestions. “I’m considering taking early retirement. I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.”

He blinked twice then nodded. “If it’s what will make you happy, go for it.”

Her eyes widened. “Ash! You were supposed to tell me it’s a terrible idea and talk me out of it.”

“You know I would never do such a thing. It’s your decision, and yours alone.” Chuckling, he sat beside her and took her hand. “Do you really think I haven’t noticed how you haven’t been approaching your duties with your usual zeal? How you’ve been treating every day like it’s an inconvenient chore instead of an exciting challenge?”

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