Page 121 of Who I Really Am

My phone on the table between the beds rings. It isn’t one of my preset ringtones, and I don’t recognize the number offhand. But when I see the voicemail notification, curiosity gets the better of me for the first time in days.

The voice on the other end buckles me at the knees.

“Hey, it’s me. Look, I’ve been thinking, about us, you know. I mean, it wasn’t cool, you showing up and tearing into me with Vanessa here, but I guess I can see why you were ticked, so I think I can get over it. But I mean, what was with that gangster dude at your place? You’re not seriously with that guy, are you? Anyway…I just wanted to say I miss you, babe. Let’s give it another shot, alright? I mean we were good together…real good. Okay, then. Call me.”

For some reason, I torture myself with the entire message instead of punching delete at the very sound of Kyle’s voice. His words slide over me like slime from a clogged drain, making me feel dirty and sick in an instant.

Belatedly, I swipe to delete, but that doesn’t make the nausea disappear. I stand stock still, but I’mthisclose to a mad dash for the toilet.

“Lise? Is everything okay?”

Outside our room, car doors slam. I nod, but make no mistake, I am lying again. “That was Kyle. He…wants…” A swallow convulses my throat. “He was mad atme.He wants…I can’t believe…Oh. Wow.”

Why did I answer at all? I press my hand to my chest as if that will help my declining oxygen levels.

“Lise?”

“I…I can’t…”Breathe.My vision tunnels. The room darkens. There are voices on the sidewalk, but they get lost under the racket from an awful sound.

It’s me. I’m the source of the wrenching, futile attempts at breath. Avery is beside me and then she’s not. Light floods the darkness. She yells. “Tripp! Help! Something’s wrong with Annalise!”

Footsteps pound. My brother’s hands are on my arms and he’s shouting at me to tell him what’s wrong. Doesn’t he know I can’t?

“Call 9-1-1!” he shouts.

No…

“Wait! She’s having a panic attack!”

So I’m not dying?I’ve had this before…but it feels like I’m dying.

Strong arms wrap around me. “Breathe, Allie. Just breathe.” The hands sweep circles on my back. “Shh. You’re alright. You’re alright now.”

My airways open and oxygen floods my system. I press my face into Marco’s neck. There isn’t much air there, yet it helps. His scent. His heartbeat against mine. He smooths my damp hair down my back, murmuring, cooing as if I’m a small child. I hate it.

I love it, but…why am I so weak?

Someday. Someday I’ll be strong again, but now…now I’m weak and needy and all I want is Marco’s arms to hold me close and shut out the darkness.

Wait. When did this happen? Marco and I are friends.Friends.We’re not—

“Alright,whatis going on here?”

Oh, yes. We have an audience. A very nosy, annoying, not-gonna-step-back audience.

I separate from Marco, still shaking, but I better manage an explanation or else my brother is going to explode all over this room and everyone in it.

Tripp edges Marco aside, clutching my arms again. Avery watches from her spot not far from the door, fingering her collar and looking about as shaken as I still feel.

“What is wrong with you, Lise? Something’s the matter and I want to know what!”

I’m not going to get out of this without telling him at least something. “I-I’ve been having panic attacks lately.”

“Since when? That doesn’t sound like you. You’re the most carefree person I know.”

Shows how much he knows. I step back, or try to.Intenseisn’t an adequate word for Tripp when he’s on a tear. “Talk to me.” He gives me a small shake, his volume rising.

Another twinge in my chest.

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