Page 78 of Losing the Rhythm

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I stared after him.

Bryan cleared his throat. “No reason to be. It’s his own hangups. Has nothing to do with you.”

“Whatever you decide,” Seth said. “We’re here for you. No matter your decision. Even if you really want to break bones.”

That got a small chuckle from me, helping me to relax.

“We better get the movie going or it’ll be too late and Paxon’s dad will yell at him,” Seth said. He got up and grabbed the remote next to the TV.

The rest of the evening became a blur as blood and guts failed to keep me out of my thoughts. Eventually, Toby did come back with three bowls of popcorn that he passed out before sitting on the floor, far away from me.

I wished I could say it didn’t hurt.

It did though, making me question what I’d done wrong.

Should I have just said that I’d never leave? That there was zero chance? I wanted to be able to say that. It was my initial reaction. But talking to Dr. Arason had put some things in perspective for me.

Was my anger placed correctly? What if I saw my dad as a victim too? Dr. Arason didn’t say it was Lindie’s fault, and maybe if she was healthy and not in a mental hospital, I’d be able to place some of this anger on her.

But how? How could I rightfully be so angry with her when it felt too much like I’d be kicking a puppy already down for the count.

The session ended with that question. Where was this anger supposed to go? Who was to blame? How could I get past it?

I hadn’t even realized I was so angry until my outburst with Dad, but I didn’t have a clear path for it to go.

Was I supposed to just sit here and bite my tongue?

And if I overlooked my anger with my dad, what did I want to happen between us? If I wasn’t so angry with him, it felt like me moving in with him was a clear answer. I had always wanted it too, but everything was so different with him in front of me now. Nothing about our reunion was what I thought it’d be.

The movie kept playing despite my turmoil.

The world kept spinning.

And eventually the exhausted thoughts put me half to sleep and I stayed that way until Justin was picking me up.

“What?”

“Sh. Keep sleeping,” he whispered softly, his lips super close to my head.

I made a humming sound and then it was like time skipped forward and he was putting me in my bed.

“Am I a bad child?” I asked, still half asleep, still thinking about my dad and his broad back and his absence from my life.

I forced the blurry sleepiness away to stare at Justin.

He was inches away from me. I reached up to touch his cheek and instead cupped his chin, feeling the slight roughness there. Did he shave? I didn’t know. I never saw him with facial hair. I wondered what it’d look like on him.

A Justin with a beard. It was hard to imagine.

“Cadence.” Justin grabbed my hand and squeezed it as he pushed his cheek against it. “You’re too good. I’m not sure if you know how to even be bad. Frankly, it scares me. I just want to put you in my pocket and keep all the nastiness away from you. You deserve it so much. To only know good moving forward.”

I blinked back tears, his words making something inside of me ache.

Dad had been goodness in my life. And when he left, he took it all with him. At least I had believed so until I met Calvin, and from there, the rest of the guys.

“Same for you,” I said in a thick voice, fighting tears. “Same for all of you.”

Justin’s gaze dipped down from my eyes to my lips and then before I could register it, he kissed me.

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