Page 74 of Losing the Rhythm

I nodded.

“So you’d have what you need, only for it to be taken away, only to be given it again. A rollercoaster of emotional stress that could change at a moment’s notice.”

It definitely felt like that. I’d have days where I’d have really good meals because Dad was around, but then suddenly, I had to learn how to deal with a hungry stomach. I was lucky enough to be able to at least eat once a day, but any extra and I had to figure it out myself. Learning how to feed myself had been a huge, painful learning curve.

“Sounds about right,” I said in a thick voice, not realizing how hard her deductions were hitting me. I never really thought about it like that before. In my head, the abuse and painful memories didn’t really begin until after Dad left.

“Do you only see it as two different time periods?”

It was like she was reading my mind.

“So you have all those good memories with your dad before you were ten. Then the event happened that caused him to leave, and then it’s the after. With just you and your mother?”

“I do,” I said softly. “I was really happy when Dad was around. He was exactly what dads are supposed to be. And he was a passionate man. He doted on me, on Lindie, and he loved his job and hobbies so much that even I grew to love them too.”

“So you had a really good relationship with your dad at that time? Enough so that so much of your identity was built because of him.”

“I did.” I looked down at my hands. I was playing with the hem of my shirt again. “He was a good dad.”

“And now?” Dr. Arason asked.

I saw where she was going with this. I saw him as a good dad before I was ten. But now? “He got mad at me yesterday. After saying he’d wait for me to reach out to him, he came to my house and he was mad at me.”

“What happened?”

“When he first came over on Friday, he had asked about Lindie and I didn’t tell him that she was in the hospital. That she had beaten me up and been committed. That I was living on my own. When he’d asked, all I could tell him was that Lindie was out and would be back later. That was it. And of course, he found out I lied. So he got mad at me.”

“Was he really mad at you?”

I thought about the conversation, replaying it over and over again. I sighed and glanced at the window, kind of wishing I was out there instead. “No. I guess. I yelled at him, not the other way around. The only time he raised his voice was when he said I was only a child. It was in reference to me being emancipated. He wants me to live with him.”

“All that came out yesterday? What did you yell at him about?”

I fisted my hands, the anger once again coiling deep inside me.

“He said I was only a child. That I shouldn’t have to shoulder anything. I got so angry at him for it.” I blinked back tears but they fell. “What if he doesn’t want to be around me anymore because I got mad at him? What if he thinks I’m ungrateful? Being a brat? What if he leaves again?”

I took in a shuddering breath as all those thoughts slammed into me. I never voiced them before, not like that.

“What if he hates me?”

I couldn’t help it. I ended up crying. Hard. Breathing became impossible.

“Cadence.” Dr. Arason was already jumping into action, grabbing tissues and giving them to me as she sat next to me, offering me simple support.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

“It’s perfectly normal to feel the way that you do and to react the way that you are. Take your time.”

She led me in a simple breathing exercise to help me calm back down. She didn’t move back to her seat like I expected but stayed on the couch next to me. Not touching me, but still there as support.

“Cadence, the anger, was it in response to him calling you a child?”

“I think so,” I said softly, fisting the wet tissues in my hand.

“From what I do currently know, you survived a lot over the last few years. You went through what others can never imagine. Had to deal with situations we can’t begin to wrap our heads around. I imagine you had to take control of your life very early on, even before you were ten. And then when he left, you had to fight even harder for yourself. Him calling you a child undermined that. Made you feel belittled. And so you reacted as you did.”

It all sounded too right.

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