Page 53 of Losing the Rhythm

I looked down at my hand and realized I really was holding the handle like I was about to open it. It took me a moment to uncurl my fingers. They even felt stiff as I stretched them out.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that. Never to me. I’ll tell you and prove to you a million and one times if I have to, but I will never ever do anything that will hurt you. Never. I know you’re all too familiar with violence, especially recently. And I’m sure there are triggers even we can’t begin to understand, at least not yet.”

I almost said sorry again, but managed to stop myself. I relaxed back into my seat, trying to figure out why I reacted like that. Did I really think Seth would hurt me?

He had just seemed so angry about something.

“What are you thinking?” Seth asked, sounding a bit anxious.

“I just don’t want to step on something that’s taboo. And it seems like I was headed there.”

“I was just surprised. And it made me think of a particular incident. It’s hard to say. I feel like to a degree, we will all rally together if we need that kind of help.” Seth’s next words came out bitter. “It’s hard to even conceive having to do such things though.”

“So you agree with me?”

“You’re more perceptive than I thought, and I do agree. To an extent.”

“What do you mean?”

“Bryan and Justin probably are the most dangerous and the most likely to end up needing our help. Bryan has a lot of money, and when it comes to crimes, money is one of the main ingredients needed to cover it up. But it also can be tracked, which means Bryan being at risk to be put into very dangerous situations, ones he won’t necessarily tell us about. Sometimes I do worry that I’ll wake up one morning to learn about the trouble Bryan got himself into, and most likely it’ll be because he was doing something he thought necessary for us.”

“And Justin?”

“Fiercely protective. We are all protective of each other, but it’s more for Justin. And that can be dangerous. You mentioned Paxon nearly getting into a fight at school. If that had been Justin instead, it wouldn’t have ended so simply, I don’t think. Especially because it involves you.”

“You really think he’d beat someone up to that degree?”

“I do.”

I wanted to push more, but I was also scared to find out. Violence, any kind of violence, set me on edge. If I had it in my head the kind of violence Justin could wield, I don’t think I’d be able to be so comfortable around him anymore.

“Noticed I’m not even an option?” Seth said with a little bit of humor in his voice.

“An option for violence?”

“You don’t think I’m capable.”

I stared at his profile. Seth was only a year older but when compared with the others, it was easy to tell that he was entering adulthood, shedding his boyishness. He was a handsome Black man, with stubble along his jaw, hair buzzed short, and soft, patient honey brown eyes that always felt like they captured the warm sunlight and held it hostage.

I lived with him and yet funnily enough, I knew him the least out of all the guys. Their personalities were easy. His though, I wasn’t so sure.

“Oh, wow, I was only trying to make a joke. I didn’t mean to make you think about it too hard,” he said, grinning at me.

“I think it’s hard for me to determine at this time.”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because you’re hiding yourself too.”

“What?” That seemed to surprise him.

“You spend so much time taking care of everyone else that I’m not sure who you are.”

For a long moment, Seth didn’t say anything as he drove. Finally, he said, “Well, shit. Not the response I was looking for.”

I shrugged and in a lower voice said, “It’s the only one I have for you.”

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