Page 41 of Losing the Rhythm

Great. Looked like I had faces to match some of my bullies. Unfortunately, I knew it wasn’t just them. If I’d learned anything these last few months, it was that it was never that easy.

Chapter Twelve

The hype Paxon had been building up fizzled a little when he learned what happened to my locker. I didn’t share my suspicions, especially if his soccer teammates were involved. The last thing I wanted to do was build discord between him and his teammates.

So after school, I sat in the bleachers and watched him practice while I did some of my work. My biggest project was currently on hold. I wasn’t really aware of the details. I just knew that Mr. Laurens’ secretary had called me and said to hold off for now. Something about the movie project hitting a snag. I was okay with that. While I would have made a nice chunk of change from that project, working with Laurens made me uncomfortable for some reason. He was a touchy-feely kind of guy.

I stared down at my current work. It was making a particular song flow more for a client. They wanted to sing it to their loved one on Halloween. Lyrics were cute, romantic with a spooky twist, but the beat was off.

Rearrangements were probably my favorite projects. It was like putting a puzzle back together in a different way, but in a way that still fit. Unfortunately, my heart wasn’t in the project. Working had been so difficult lately, like I was working through sludge. What could have normally been done in one day was taking me two instead with how slowly I was moving. Thankfully, it wasn’t affecting my deadlines yet, but it was definitely stressing me out. I’d also accepted less work than normal so I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed.

I couldn’t keep like this though. I blinked back frustrated tears, not expecting them there in the first place. Iwantedto work. Ineededto work. But working was hard. And it was all building up inside of me. I wanted to tear the papers in my lap apart and let the wind blow them far away from me. I wanted to say fuck it all and pretend I didn’t have these kinds of responsibilities.

But this was my livelihood. I was emancipated now. I didn’t have anyone but myself to lean on, for support. It was just me.

My breathing grew heavier as my sight blurred.

It was just me now. Lindie was locked up in a mental hospital. My dad wasn’t in the picture. I had no siblings. Just me.

Alone.

By myself.

Why? Why was it like this?

I glanced around the bleachers. There were students sprinkled around, but there were also parents. Watching their children. Supporting them.

The last time I had a parent behind scenes to cheer me on was when I was at a piano recital at ten with my dad watching with a grin. But not even a month later, that support vanished. And the only person ever behind the scenes was Lindie. But she never smiled. She only judged. She only admonished. She only wanted perfection.

And that was gone too.

I gripped my pen harder and tried to focus on the words on the sheet of paper, but it was all a blurry mess. My inner world felt like it was imploding, and yet no one noticed, all eyes on the field. All players focused on the ball being rolled back and forth between players.

I was pathetic.

Self-hatred bubbled up inside me, and I nearly screamed. Nearly. But I was in public, surrounded by contentment and happiness. Never had I ever felt so alone before.

Barely moving, I remained seated. Even as practice ended. Even as Paxon waved at me and went into the locker room. Even as everyone else got up and left. I didn’t even move as Paxon slowly made his way to me, frowning.

“I thought we were going to meet by the lockers?” he asked, sitting next to me.

“Ah. Sorry, I got distracted with my work.” I made a point to show him the papers. Nothing had been written on them. Nothing had been rearranged.

I’d once again failed to get any work down. The fullness of darkness inside me hardened even more, and for a moment, I thought I was going to throw up.

Paxon’s soft smile usually helped me to feel better, but even in that moment, it did nothing for me.

“Ready to go?” I asked.

“Yup!” Paxon suddenly looked overly excited again, and I let that seep inside me. It thawed something out in me enough for me to appreciate our friendate. “So were you able to figure it out with the clues I gave you today?”

“Not even close,” I admitted. “I think the others figured it out, but no one is saying anything.”

“They wouldn’t ruin the fun like that. How do you feel about surprises, by the way?” Paxon grabbed my bag for me once I was done putting everything away, and we headed down the bleachers and back to his car.

“I’m okay with them. I understand the fun and excitement behind them. As long as they are good surprises and don’t involve jumpscares like surprise birthday parties.”

Paxon chuckled. “Noted. No surprise birthdays for Cadence. Speaking of birthdays, when is yours?”

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