Page 13 of Losing the Rhythm

“What is really going on with you? I only have bits and pieces. And I only have those because of rumors or whatever I can pull out of you. You aren’t talking to me anymore. And after moving here and learning about what your mother did to you over the summer, I’m wondering if you stopped really talking to me a lot longer than that. Do you not want me here anymore?”

The question sounded so broken coming from him and felt too much like a stab to my heart.

I swallowed hard, hating that I was making him feel so insecure about our relationship. Micah had always been a sensitive guy.

“Micah…” I blinked hard as tears filled my gaze, making the image of him waver before me. If I opened my mouth again, was I going to scream? It felt like I was and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop it. Micah’s frown deepened at my silence.

“What has really been going on with you? Tell me with your own words. Please.” He leaned in closer, resting his forehead on my shoulder. We were about the same height, so it was easy for him. He grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up one morning and not even know you’re dead until someone talks about it at school. That I won’t know you’re hurt in the hospital, or missing. You were abducted, Cadence. I knew nothing about it until last Monday, after it was all over and people were gossiping about it at school. I felt like such a fool. Like the shittiest friend in the world.”

“No!” I stopped him, his last words finally spurring me on. “No. You’re my best friend.”

“Then why do I feel like this? Like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Like I’m not someone you rely on. I hate this. It’s like there’s this thick wall between us with a window and I can only see you. I can’t reach you, no matter how many times I try to smash through the window. I only get to watch.”

Fuck me. I was a terrible friend.

“You’ve dealt with so much of my shit, took on my pain with me, helped me through the darkest days in my life. I want to do that for you. But you need to let me. I’m willing, Cadence.”

Unable to take it anymore, I wrapped my arms around him, putting all those hugging lessons to use as I drew him closer to me. I squeezed hard. After a moment, he returned the hug.

“Stop, Micah. Please. Stop. You’re wrong. I’m over the moon that you’re here. I’m so happy that your mom is doing well, that I get to see you every day now. I really am.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” His words were thick as he shuddered against me. “It feels like I’m losing you.”

I needed to fix this, but how? Everything in my life was complete crap right now; I barely knew how to fix myself. But I needed to try. For Micah.

“I’m here,” I finally said, feeling a bit dumb. Of course I was there. I wasn’t a ghost. “What I mean is, I’m okay. I’m hurting. A lot of things have happened since this summer, and I don’t even know how to wrap my head around it. I never meant to make you feel left out. I’ve been just trying to get by. It all feels like it’s slipping away.”

“Then let me help you keep it together,” Micah finally said, sniffing as he stepped away. His eyes were a bit red, but he hadn’t started crying. He was on the cusp though. I could see it in the strain in his face, the way his eyebrows were bunched up, his jawline tight. “You’re important to me, Cadence. I don’t want to see you suffering or trying to wade through everything by yourself.”

“You won’t let me drown alone?” I asked, trying to toss out a little joke.

It fell short and he scowled at me. “I won’t let you drown at all.”

“Oh,” someone said, interrupting us, “isn’t that sweet? Cadence gaining another to add to her collection.”

A boy barely familiar walked by. It took me a moment to realize he was on Paxon’s soccer team.

“Shut the fuck up, Benji,” Micah snapped back in a voice I hardly recognized. I rested my hand on his arm, feeling how stiff he was holding himself. He was coiled, ready for a fight.

Benji held his hands up like he was innocent, laughed, and continued to walk away as if he’d done nothing wrong.

“This is all bullshit,” Micah said. “No one knows crap, but they sure like to talk like they do.”

“Stop, Micah. Just let it go.”

“Why should I? We need to stop these rumors.”

“Going around punching people won’t help.”

“Well, someone needs to do something.”

“Micah,” I added my feelings when I said, “I don’t want to see you getting hurt on my behalf. That won’t help anything.”

That seemed to work as he finally unclenched his fists. “You only get this once, Cadence. All these rumors are out of control. And there’s no telling what will happen if it escalates.” He shook his head. “I don’t even want to think about how nasty some of the rumors are.”

“If it ever does come down to that, then you’ll be there to protect me, no doubt.”

“Of course.” He seemed to think about something for a moment. “And your other friends. Those guys. They’ll keep you safe too. It made me nervous seeing you so close to so many guys, especially so quickly. But now I think it’s a good thing. They keep the others away from you. Then again, these fucking rumors probably wouldn’t be going around if it weren’t for them.”

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