Page 66 of Volatile

I’d imagined this so many times in so many situations. I enjoyed waking up in the same bed as Royal with his arm draped across my chest, but with my heart in my throat, I waited for the other shoe to drop. For him to wake up and spring out of bed like he couldn’t believe he’d been insane enough to go to bed with me.

There was beauty even in fear. But if I lost him in this moment, would I ever be able to forgive him for giving me false hope? Would I remain forever attached to the idea he might get over his shit and come back? How far down this rabbit hole had I fallen?

“Do you ever sleep in?” Royal asked without opening his eyes.

“I didn’t know you were awake.” I laughed, carefully taking my hand back, wanting to make sure I mitigated any panic.

He lifted a brow but didn’t say anything about my hand moving. “I can feel you.”

“What do you mean?”

“This isn’t the first time we’ve slept in the same bed, Aspen.” He laughed. “I’m used to you sleeping in my room. I know it’s been off and on over the years, but I think my mind is, like, trained to wake up when I hear anything from you.”

“I wasn’t trying to be loud. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“You’re not loud. It might even just be the shift in your breathing. I don’t know. I usually can sense you’re awake.” He smiled but still didn’t open his eyes. “And I’m so used to the times you wake, I’m sure it programed my body to wake up at a similar time.”

“Do you go back to sleep when I stay with Kingsley?” I asked, not usually seeing him out before noon if I do.

“Sometimes.” He exhaled, and I knew he wasn’t telling me all of it.

“What are you holding back?”

“Are we doing this, this fucking early?” Royal had the hint of a grumble to his tone, and it was adorable.

I fought my smile in case he opened his eyes. “Yes, we are. What aren’t you saying?” I needed to know why he’d avoid answering.

“Sometimes I stay in my room.”

“That’s obvious if you’re not sleeping. Why?”

“Do you have to press so hard before the sun is even fully up?” He rolled onto his stomach and turned his face into the mattress.

“Yes.” I dared to scoot closer.

“I think interrogation on lack of sleep is a war crime. They do that shit at black sites.”

“What is a black—no, I’m not letting you distract me.”

“Sometimes I was frustrated you’d want to be with Kingsley over me, so I’d stay in my room.” His tone was ice cold.

I sat up and stared at him. “It wasn’t ever like that.”

“It was like that. When you were back with Lucy and I disapproved, you would, or when you were unhappy about something or other. It started slowly, but then it went to all the time until Lis came into the picture. You only recently came back.”

“I didn’t…” I bit my cheek, not sure how to say what I wanted to. “I didn’t want to be a burden, and when Kingsley understood, it felt easier than making you do it. You’d done it for so long.”

He threw the pillow and sat up. “Easier than coming to sleep next to the person who’s been holding you through your night terrors since you were fourteen? Easier to be with him than me?” He shook his head and shoved out of bed. “I need coffee.”

“Royal, that’s not what I meant…” But he’d already left the room. “Fuck.”

I pulled on a pair of boxers and followed him out to the little kitchen. He’d pulled on a pair of flannel pants but didn’t bother with a shirt as he waited for the single cup of coffee to brew.

I grabbed his shoulder to spin his massive frame around. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Royal crossed his arms, and if I wasn’t so worked up, it might have occurred to me to fear him. “No, I’m not fucking kidding you.”

“You don’t get to just walk out of the fucking room and—” And leave me fucking vulnerable. But I didn’t know how to admit that out loud.

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