Page 94 of Pretty Black

A cascade of trust to be caught.

I pulled the door open and staggered.

Last Winter

“Cas…”

“Why’d you text me?” He shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I don’t know.” What had I been thinking?

We stared at one another.

“When did this get so hard?” he asked.

“Probably since I turned into a fuckup.”

His face shifted, and his forehead wrinkled. I could see it all written there. “You’re not a fuckup.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.”

“I think you are.” I stepped back, hoping he’d come in, but he didn’t move.

“What do you want, Iris?”

Comfort. Love. What I had. My best friend. To not be drowning.Grief washed over me until I shook with it. I thought about the last bit of heroin I had. Maybe I should use it to sleep tonight. Give myself some relief.

“Nothing.”

“Are you speaking to me again?”

“I wasn’t not speaking to you,” I said softly.

“You’re avoiding me.”

“I’m avoiding myself.” And I had been for a long time.

“Stop. Just fucking stop.” I don’t think either of us knew what he was asking for.

“Why’d you hold me on the bridge this morning?” I finally asked the question that had kept me awake.

“Because I keep holding onto hope that you’ll love me again.” He turned, retreating into his room.

I followed, closing the door behind me. “Show me.”

“This isn’t a good idea.” But he didn’t stop my hands from stripping his shirt from his chest.

“No, it’s the worst idea, but I need to feel something, anything, other than myself.” My lips hovered over his.

“I don’t want to take advantage of you when you’re like this. It feels wrong to fuck you when you’re in this place between wanting to live and die.”

“I’m not trying to die,” I said as I shoved off his pants. “Help me feel again. Please.”

“You’re not trying to live either.” He kissed me but then shoved me away. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t be the person you come fuck when you need to feel something. I’m in love with you, and it’s killing me to watch you slowly kill yourself.” He pulled his pants back up and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I won’t do it again.”

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