Page 84 of Pretty Black

“You kept looking at me through all of that. I don’t know…maybe I’m paranoid.”

He hesitated. “It’s because of what you said earlier. I don’t want you to feel like if you took yourself out, all of this would be fixed.”

“That might be what he fucking wants. I can only imagine a dead rockstar would make him as much money with a new album and be a lot less trouble.”

“He couldn’t make money off touring. That’s insane.”

“No? You don’t put it past him to replace me and do a memorial tour with our new album?” I shook my head. I wouldn’t put anything past him at this point. “I think he’s capable of anything, and we shouldn’t underestimate him anymore.”

“I agree with you.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. “Are you? Suicidal, I mean.”

I laughed. “For the first time in my life, no. It’s weird. I don’t want to face any of this…but I want more days like today.”

“I want more of them, too.” He stroked his fingers through my hair. “But how do we fix this? Is he going to ruin all our lives?”

“I don’t know.” I turned my head to kiss his wrist. “You know you’re the only person I’ve ever felt safe with besides my brother. That’s why I was so mad at you when you told Alexander. I felt like I had no one safe left in the world.”

“I didn’t know that. Do you still feel safe with me?” His words were careful, tentative.

“I do. Even when I was so mad at you, I wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me. I hated that when you were in bed next to me, I felt as good as I did. I hated myself for not being able to forgive you. I hated wanting you and not being able to get over you.”

“That’s why you kept sleeping with me.”

“Yes.”

His lip caught between his teeth. “I hated that I kept letting you. I wanted you to love me so badly, but you telling me you didn’t was burned in my brain. I believed it.”

“It was never the case. I never stopped,” I admitted. “I said it trying to hurt you like you hurt me.”

“Now that I understand, I don’t blame you, but at the time, it was the worst thing you could have said to me.” Caspian’s voice came raw.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

I buried my face in his chest. “Did you think we’d be here all those years ago when we pushed upload?”

“I knew your music would take off, the lyrics were too powerful not to resonate, but I don’t think my mind could have conceived of this. Any of it. The level. The success. The tabloids. The monster that fame is.”

Five Years Ago

“I told you they’d let you stay.” Cas turned his head towards me.

We laid side by side on his king-sized bed. I couldn’t imagine a point in my life where I’d have a king-sized bed to myself, let alone as a teenager, like Cas did. I had my own room, but I never slept alone. Marc always slept on my floor. It was a rare weekend my stepfather let my little brother have a sleepover, and I didn’t need to be home for him.

Caspian had been asking for me to spend the night for months, and I’d always made up an excuse. We wrote every spare minute we had. The new guitar had worked even better than I’d imagined. It wasn’t an expensive one by any means, but the pawnshop dealer had taken pity on me and saved her for me. She felt perfect in my hands. Jade green and not a scratch on her.

I was in love.

Our music sounded even better played on her, like she had her own voice and added a depth to the melodies Caspian wrote that we couldn’t accomplish with his guitar. Maybe it was the age, or that she’d had a troubled past like I did. It might have been the first time I was in love in my whole life. I even slept with her next to the bed so I could wake up and touch her to make sure this was real.

She was home now, and so was I.

Lying next to Caspian brought a peace to my soul I’d never thought possible. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to lie here and watch the blond god sleep.

“I know.” I didn’t tell him I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’d received a few messages from my mom asking if I had any money to help them make rent. I hadn’t bothered responding, and she was getting more and more irate with each message. I’d have to deal with her tomorrow, but tonight, I wouldn’t let any of it ruin my mood. I’d sold anything left I’d had of value to collect enough money for the guitar. I’d spent every single penny I had.

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