Page 93 of Pretty Black

“It’s impossible not to.”

“I’ve tried to come up with something to say to you, some sort of comfort or apology for the way this all will end.”

“I’m not accepting it. I don’t want it to end.”

“I know. You never did.” He looked at our hands, hair falling in his face.

“So what then? We just stand here?”

“We could dance?” Iris drew me closer.

“You’re going to slow dance with me?” I asked, breathless.

“What else are we going to do at sunrise in the middle of the Catskills?” He tilted his head back, breathing in the cool mountain air.

I slipped my free hand around his waist. “Do you hear it?”

“What?”

“The music between us?” I asked.

“Every day. I can’t escape it.”

“I don’t want to escape it.”

“Me either.” He pulled me closer, and I knew I shouldn’t hold on so tight.

We swayed in the breeze as the sun lifted higher in the sky, surrendering to the draw and the embrace neither of us wanted to end. As soon as we broke apart, we’d go back to being strangers, and that was the cycle we were doomed to repeat.

My body was trying to trap him inside of me. It wouldn’t accept anything less than all of him. For anything. It thudded in a feeding, drunk with indulgence, as he kissed me. Slowly, I savored the taste of Iris’ love, and I knew right then that Iris would be refueling that monster for the rest of his days.

I lost my breath for a moment, so consumed with hope that we’d finally figure it out this time.

But that was the thing about hope. It infected us all.

THIRTY-ONE

PRESENT DAY

Iris Black

Torn between the Orange Line back to Cas and deeper into the city to find escape—peace won out. I would start the work tomorrow, tonight I wanted to sleep. It was easy to find. They all still lived in this neighborhood. All the ones who were still alive. So few of us escaped. Jeff had what I needed and it was too tempting.

I got lost in the music in my mind. Lost in the drugs I took to ease the pain. The silence brought peace. The worry in my chest eased. I knew I had to stop what I was doing to my body and to Caspian. I couldn’t keep destroying myself and forcing him to live with it.

But how could I stop when the world wouldn’t give me a reprieve?

My chest felt heavy as I returned with the dawn. Fresh track marks on my arm and shame in my chest. He’d take one look at me and know. This is why I had a hard time promising forever. I had a hard time promising. I could only fight with my thoughts for so long before I gave in.

I put my hand on the door, willing myself to go in, but I didn’t have the strength.

Being in love with him was like falling off a cliff.

On repeat.

Days of fear and days of falling.

Never ending.

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