Page 53 of Pretty Black

I typed.

I didn’t see these—I erased it.

I miss you—erased.

Can I come over there?—erased.

I promised myself I wouldn’t ask to sleep with him anymore. I couldn’t keep putting all of me on him. I had to figure it out for myself. I had to fix myself.

But I didn’t know where to start.

I went through the motions.

Sound check.

The only time Caspian looked in my eyes now was on stage. We both faked it, and it made my pain unbearable. We kept it semi-civil in front of the other guys.

I sang into the mic, testing it.

“My toes sink into the surf while grief rises in my throat,

I know it was never enough.

I’ll stand under the lights and forget

Was it ever anything more?

There’s no up from this slump.

We’re doomed to rinse and repeat

Stuck in the cycle.

No free flow of love in his void.

Sucked dry by the lies.

Wasted all my time under yellow skies.”

I met eyes with Caspian.

“I thought you weren’t speaking to me?” he said under his breath when I fell silent, casting a look to either side to make sure no one else paid us any mind.

“I don’t think that was speaking.” I broke the eye contact.

“Singing to me is okay?”

I lifted my shoulders. “I don’t know what’s okay.”

“Me either.” He put his head back in his hands, and there was profound sadness there. My chest ached. I wanted to take it away, but I didn’t know how. “Baby, it’s gonna fade. The lights will come and go, but baby, I swear to you this will fade.”

“Why are you singing my own lyrics at me now?” I asked.

“Because I think when you wrote them, you believed it.”

“I did.”

“I think you’ll feel them again.” He took a step closer to me.

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