Page 25 of Pretty Black

Quiet.

Warmth.

Peace.

Drowning with both feet on solid ground.

Fighting to swim, but I don’t know how.

I clawed off parts I could throw to the wind.

Climbing out of this hole on pieces of myself.

Sacrifices made to be who they want me to be.

How much of me would be left?

I pulled the pencil out of my hair, shifting to grab the notebook out of my pocket. I was writing the lyrics when a drop of red hit the page. I smeared my finger through it. Was I bleeding?

“Iris.” Caspian’s voice barely cut through my haze.

I lifted my head to find him, Felix, and Elijah hovering over me. “I’m fine.” I wasn’t, but better than I’d been five minutes ago. I touched my face where I’d hit my forehead into the mirror. Damp.

Great.

I bet the psych facility was going to love this.

“You’re not fucking fine.” Caspian sank to his knees between mine, inspecting my face. I let him, too tired to fight anyone on anything today.

I closed my eyes and basked in my empty mind.

Delighted in the minutes of not having to feel.

How freeing pain could be.

There was an entire part of the population who would call me all kinds of derogatory words for what I got out of pain. Insist I needed treatment for my choice of escape. It was better to be an alcoholic or a drug addict in the eyes of society than someone who self-harms. And I tried not to. I went months without it, but when nothing else would work, I came back to pain.

The only gift my stepfather had given me.

“Can I take a look at it?” Elijah asked, kneeling next to my hip.

“Sure, let’s make it a party.”

“I’m a paramedic. It’s part of the reason I got hired on by the security firm. They like guys who have some medical training.” Elijah had pulled out a tiny medical kit from the fanny pack he always wore.

“I always thought you kept snacks in there. Who knew it was useful?” I laughed, shaking my head as he pulled on gloves.

“It’s easier than cargo pants and more accessible, but I have snacks in here too, for when Felix gets touchy.” Elijah’s cool fingers touched myhead.

“I do not get touchy,” Felix replied, crossing his arms over his massive chest. “I get hangry. It’s different.”

“Whatever you say, honey.” Elijah winked at me.

I couldn’t hold back a laugh. “But the real question is, what kind of snacks?”

“Don’t worry. I have yours and Caspian’s favorites in here. Fucking circus peanuts and bottle caps, just in case I need to cheer you up.”

“I’m not sure if I should be impressed you’ve paid that much attention to us in such a short time or worried.”

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