Page 12 of Pretty Black

“We can’t just let it be the elephant in the room. I don’t know how to be okay, and I know you’re not okay. I don’t know how to move forward with this. You seem fine right now, but how do I sleep? How do I not worry about—” Caspian dropped his face and neck to mine, cheek to cheek.

“I’m sorry.” I hugged him tighter. I did this. The damage he’d carry for life after finding me on the edge. I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself for it.

“I don’t want you to be sorry.” He pushed his arms under my head, hugging me as tightly. “I want it not to happen again.”

I swallowed the bile in my throat. “I can’t lie to you. There isn’t a way for me to promise forever. Or promise tomorrow. I am trying.”

“Do you need to—”

“No,” I cut him off. “I can’t ever go back. That will kill me.”

“Iris…” His tone pleaded.

“I don’t want to be here either, but going someplace will only lead to Alexander finding out and him having control. Please don’t do that to me again.”

Caspian nodded, tears leaking down his face. “I promise.”

“I don’t want to do this to you. If you want me to go—”

He tightened his arms, nearly strangling me. “Don’t you fucking dare. I’ve waited two years to have you back, and it’s been like living in hell. The absence of Iris. Limited days with you are better than none.”

“Okay.” I settled into his words, finally understanding. I would have felt the same way with my brother. “I don’t want to ruin your life.”

“I don’t know how I’ll live without you. Is there any way we can make sure that doesn’t happen again? And if you say let you jump, I’m going to slap you.” He lifted his tear-stained face, resting us forehead to forehead.

I wished I could beg him to save me, but I had to save myself. This wasn’t a fucking fairytale, and he wasn’t the prince he looked like. We all had to save ourselves. Only I was so lost, and wanting life didn’t come with a roadmap.

We were all put here and expected to figure it out.

“I guess I have to figure out how to survive my brother’s last words splashed across the internet and all our private moments, the ones we have cherished and kept to ourselves, given to them too.” I wasn’t at risk of jumping off a building this morning, but I didn’t know how to swallow the reality that my days of privacy were so numbered.

“Do you remember when we used to get excited about going public?” Caspian asked so softly I wouldn’t have heard him unless his lips were next to my ear.

The memory produced a soft smile. “I still want that.”

“Me too.” He scooted down a bit, resting his chin on my chest. “But I want it to be our choice, not Alexander’s. I don’t want anyone to take that away from us.”

I played with his hair, searching his face. Not sure what to think. “Does that mean you don’t want it out anymore? I get it if you don’t. We are so volatile—”

He frowned, cutting me off. “Quite the opposite. All those feelings have amplified. I want it more than ever. I want the world to know you are mine, and I am yours, but that doesn’t mean it’s Alexander’s right to take any of those choices away from us or leak any of our intimate moments.” He rested his hand on my cheek. “Does that make sense?”

“Yes, thank you for explaining.” I didn’t know what else to say.

We both fell silent, lying in each other’s embrace, hiding from the world and what the future would bring.

I felt like a disappointment.

How many times would I expect him to talk me off the ledge?

And I knew then that I couldn’t hide my struggle from Caspian, not if we had any chance of making it.

My mouth went dry, and I didn’t know how to come clean. I didn’t know how to tell the truth or be myself with anyone. I’d spent my entire life hiding those parts of myself, and it wasn’t as easy as just releasing it.

“I don’t know how to live—how to spend most of my day not wanting to die.”

FOUR

PRESENT DAY

---