Page 51 of The Rough Rider

“It’s not really a secret,” he said.

That much was true. But she was looking at him, and he was caught between two things. The desire to tell her, and treat her like it wasn’t a big deal, because the more he refused to talk about it when asked directly, the more it made it...made it seem like his father had succeeded in at least part of what he’d tried to do.

He did. He killed part of you and you know it.

Didn’t mean he had to show it.

There were things he had to show. The scars. And he wore them boldly because he had no other choice. He wore his hatred for his father that way, and if people wanted to believe he killed his dad? Fine with him. If they wanted to believe that when he was eighteen he’d lost it completely and driven the old man into an early grave, it was fine by him.

It kept his truths hidden. And he prized those. The personal things. The things he could keep to himself.

But even though there were things he couldn’t hide, he wanted to protect Alaina. Because there wasn’t a single part of that story that was pretty. Not remotely. And he knew that Alaina had been through her share of pain. That her parents had a lot to answer for. But he also just wanted to protect her. From anything ugly.

“Stop,” she said. “Stop...whatever it is you’re doing. You can tell me what happened. I’m not... I’m not five. I know that you pulled me out of the pond then, but I’ve grown up since then. Remember. You married me. I’m pregnant. I’m not a child.”

“I don’t think you’re a child,” he said, his voice sounding rough even to his own ears. “There’s just... There’s things in this world that no one should have to hear about. That no one should have to know about. Least of all thirteen-year-old boys. And I didn’t have a choice. I went through what I did. It’s inflicting it on other people that bothers me.”

“All of it’s your dad. All of it’s his fault. You don’t need to take a single thing on board. And you certainly don’t need to hold it in on my account.”

“I don’t feel like I’m holding it in. Not anymore.” He wondered what would be right here. To hold back, or to give it to her? She was his wife, and it might not be a traditional sort of thing, but didn’t she deserve to know the man she was living with? The man who’d be raising her baby?

Maybe you just want to say it. Finally.

Maybe.

“I just never told the whole story,” he said. “My brothers were kids. And it’s one of those things I think when you...were kind of around when something happens, you kind of think you know. Nobody really questions it. They all talked about it among themselves, but they never talked about it to me.”

“What happened?”

“He...he was beating Lachlan. I thought it was going to kill him. Lachlan asked where Mom was. He got furious. Just...absolutely furious. I was thirteen and tall and skinny, and didn’t have an ounce of muscle. And I flung myself at him. Punched him right in the face. I told him he was the reason that Mom left. And he sure as hell didn’t have any kind of a right to take it out on Lachlan. He started to run after me...and I... I gave him something to chase. I like to think that I was leading him away from Lach, but you know. Most likely I was just running to save my own ass.”

“I hid in the woodshed,” he said. “I heard the door rattle, and I was scared. But he wasn’t opening it. He was shoving a broom handle through the door catch. To hold the door shut. And before I knew it... I could smell smoke. I could hear them outside. He was drunk. And he said...he said he’d let me out if I said I was sorry. If I said I was wrong. If I’d go tan Lachlan’s hide the way he deserves. He said I didn’t understand discipline here, being the head of a household or being a man. He said I didn’t understand being a father. I wouldn’t say anything. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Then I started to realize it wasn’t just smoke, and there were flames. That’s when I started to yell for help. I didn’t have pride, Alaina. I didn’t stay brave. I screamed and cried like a baby. Especially when the fire burned to me. I don’t know why I didn’t pass out from the smoke. I had a hell of a lot of damage on the inside of my throat, my lungs. The fire burned me all the way down. I remember the way it felt against my face. And I remember fighting against it, because if I died...who was going to protect them? So I threw myself against the fire. Where it had already burned the shed and weakened it. And I was able to get out. I ran down to the river, threw myself in. Lachlan called for help. I think he’s... I think he’s the only one that really knows. Because he saw it. The ambulance came, and the story was that there was an accident. Accidental fire and I got trapped. And I just think it never really got investigated.”

“How? How did everyone fail you like that? In a town this size, how did they not know?”

“It’s because it’s a town this size. Some people knew and didn’t do anything because they didn’t want to get involved. Other people knew and were afraid of him too. Some refused to know because they worked with him and needed him to help pay their bills. There are connections everywhere you look, everywhere you step. And at the end of the day so many people prize the rights of a man to do what he wants to the people around him over the safety of the people in his path. Now, they don’t let themselves see how bad it is. I don’t think anyone thought he’d try to kill one of us. No. There’s a lot more denial involved than that.”

Alaina had tears on her cheeks, and that was what he hated. She took a step forward, her hand outstretched. “Gus...”

And he pulled away, because he couldn’t stand for Alaina Sullivan to put her hands on him because she felt sorry for him. That was just a bridge too far. He’d rescue her from anything. But he didn’t want her pity.

“I can’t believe he did that to you,” she said.

“I can. It’s right in his character. It’s who he is. Believe me on that. He was just waiting for that moment. He was just waiting. For an excuse. To let it boil over like that. Better me than them. I’m the oldest. That’s the point.”

“Who protected you, Gus?”

He smiled, and he felt that tightening in his skin. “No one. They didn’t need to. I’m all right.”

She looked down. “And now you’re protecting me.”

“It’s not a hardship. Don’t worry about it.”

She looked back up at him, her face too pretty for him to bear. “What do you want, Gus? Because you asked me what I wanted. From life. From this. Do you want to be a father?”

The question was uncomfortable, and tore at him, and forced him to look at things that hurt. Because the thing was, he was obviously trying to find a way to make up for some of the stuff that he’d been through.

“I don’t know. What I want is to be better than my old man. And it’s not just for me. I want to... I want to make up for him existing. For the fact that I didn’t kill him. I want to do good stuff. I want to...”

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