Page 30 of Among the Sins of my Father

I do. The sound of my heart beating thuds loudly in my head. It’s almost deafening.

“I want you to count with me, okay?”

I want to slap her for how calm she’s being. But instead, I merely nod as I try to suck in another breath of strangled air.

She begins to count, drawing in deep breaths between each number. It’s pathetic. And stupid. But it also works. I mimic her, keeping my breaths in time with hers. She’s staring at me with those wide eyes and for a moment, it’s as though I see the blue sky reflected in them. She stays with me, holding onto my hands and counting and breathing until my heart rate slows and the air flows freely into my lungs.

“You don’t have to do this. Not yet.”

I pull my hands out of hers. “I thought I’d be fine.”

“You don’t have to be fine, either. It’s okay not to be okay.” She lets out a little snort of air. “I should know. I haven’t been fine in a while.”

I don’t know what she could possibly know about not being fine. As far as I’m aware, the monster raised her as his own. She lived a life of privilege. She can’t possibly know anything about what it feels to have control and choice taken away from you.

She sees the doubt in my eyes. Pushing her sweater over her shoulder, she exposes a scar. It’s somewhat faded now, but you can still see the rounded hole and the spidery lines that jut from the radius.

“The day after you were sold, I was shot by my half-brother.” She nods toward the door. “His son.”

“Sebastian?”

She smiles faintly and pulls her sweater back into place. “I forget you know them.”

“I still get panic attacks. And I haven’t been through anything like you have. You’re brave, Hope. You’re one of the toughest people I’ve ever met. You’ve gone through all this, all this shit, and yet you’re still here. You’ve still got love to offer Ette. You’ve still got a life to live.”

Her words get to me, forcing a lump to grow in my throat. I blink away tears.

“You don’t need to do this now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever confront him. You’ve got time. There’s no hurry. He’s trapped here. He’s not getting out. You can make him pay if that’s what you want to do. No one is going to take that choice from you. Not Jericho. Not me. No one.”

A sob rips from my chest. It hurts. It tears. I stumble backward and fall against the wall, allowing myself to sink to the ground as the sobs keep coming. Berkley sits beside me. She doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t touch me or try to make things better. She just stays by my side as the tears fall. And it’s enough.

When my tears finally dry, she gets to her feet and holds out her hands, waiting for me to accept her offer of help. I place my hands in hers and she pulls me to my feet. She just looks at me for a while, not saying a word. But it’s all there in her eyes.

The worry.

The guilt.

The apology.

Even though we don’t exchange words, something changes between us in that moment. An understanding. We walk in silence back to my room. Before she leaves, she turns to me and simply says, “I’m here if you need me.” And then she slips away.

I know I’m not ready to face the monster yet. But I will be soon. And I need to be prepared. I need the skills to exact revenge.

I catch a glimpse of Barrett disappearing around a corner and chase after him. He looks startled when I call his name.

“Is there something I can help you with?” he asks.

My eyes drift over him. As usual, he’s dressed all in black. There’s a firearm slung from his belt and a knife strapped to his side.

“Would you teach me?” I ask, nodding to his belt.

“Teach you to what?”

“To use a knife.”

chapter twelve

BERKLEY

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