Page 71 of Say You Love Me

All I can think about, all that runs through my head time and time again, is reaching for the door handle of her room and Finity’s hand gripping my ankle, begging me to stop. Begging me to fuck her.

I get to my feet. “I can’t breathe,” I tell my mother, then stride toward the door, slamming it behind me as I walk into the sunshine. The horrible, cruel sunshine. The sunshine which warms my back when it shouldn’t. The sunshine which would cut across Finity’s shoulder and turn her skin golden. The sunshine which would catch Calla’s hair and…

I sink to my knees and sob.

Life continues. It shouldn’t but it does.

Finity moves like a robot. She never talks about Calla, or what happened. She never responds when I yell at her, scream or beg for her to explain. She never corrects me when I tell her it’s all her fault. She gets up in the mornings, has a shower and gets dressed. And then she sits on the couch and watches TV until the sun goes down.

She talks when spoken to, but only ever to answer a direct question. She smiles, but it is thin and wavering. She looks through me rather than at me.

She doesn’t cry at the funeral. She lets people hug her and take her hand, she smiles tightly and nods at their words of sympathy but not once do her eyes dampen with tears.

It’s like she’s become a shadow of who she used to be. A ghost of the woman I knew. But I’m too angry with her to show her any sympathy. I’m too wrapped up in my own despair to relieve any of hers.

We live our lives around each other. We dance around the fact that things won’t ever be the same. We pretend we still love each other. We sleep in separate rooms.

And then one day, Finity stops.

She doesn’t get out of bed.

She doesn’t eat.

She never speaks.

She reaches for me in desperation, begging for comfort, begging for me to hold her, love her. But I can’t. Every time I look at her, I’m only reminded of what she took away.

It’s my mother who books her into the wellness center.

My mother who drives her there.

My mother who visits her.

Because I cannot forgive her.

chapter thirty-three

NOW

~

FINITY

Smoke swirls in the air as I gaze into the depths. Even after all these years the darkness of the water at night still does something to my insides. It still makes them tremble with the fear of the unknown, wondering what horrors could be floating just below the surface.

I’ve strolled far away from the house, choosing to visit the docks of the marina. Boats rock against the wood, gentle waves lapping at their hulls. The wind and the rain have stopped and the world is eerily quiet.

“I thought you were going to give up.” Rylee appears beside me but for some reason it doesn’t startle me. Part of me was expecting him. Part of me knew if I came outside he would find me.

I wrap my bathrobe tighter around me and reach for the packet in my pocket. I hold it out to Rylee and he takes a cigarette. Gone is the dream-like state he was in when he arrived at the lake house. Instead, his movements are jittery and jumpy. His skin is pale and his eyes are nothing but dark pools, reminding me of the water below.

He rubs his nose and then places the smoke in his mouth, leaning over the flame of my lighter.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

I look over at him, his skin illuminated by the light of the moon. He’s dressed now and the swelling around his jaw and mouth is obvious, but not as severe as I thought it would be. He’s wiped the blood away and now there are just angry red welts in its place.

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