Page 68 of Say You Love Me

THEN

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FINITY

Hudson’s voice wakes me. It’s streaked in panic.

“What did you do?”

I sit up in the bed, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dim light. Hudson stands in the doorway, Calla in his arms. There’s something wrong with her, she doesn’t look right. Her body is too slack and too stiff at the same time.

Hudson’s eyes are wild. “She’s not breathing. Why is she not breathing?”

I just sit there, unable to compute the words coming from his mouth.

“Finity!” he screams.

He lays Calla on the floor, checking her airways and places two fingers against her chest. It’s as though the world is moving in slow motion. I see all that’s going on but I don’t’ respond. I can’t. I’m frozen. Numb.

“What happened?” he demands as he presses against her tiny body. “Fuck, Finity! Tell me what happened!” His voice fills the room, deafening me. I cover my ears as he keeps yelling.

“You knew.” The words are breathed in shock. “You knew and that was why you didn’t want me to check on her.” He begins to sob. “No, please god, no.” He looks at me, his eyes rimmed with resentment and hatred. “Why are you just sitting there? Why aren’t you doing anything?”

Suddenly the world picks up pace again, returning to normal speed and I scramble off the couch, arms stretched toward my baby, but Hudson shoves me. “Don’t touch her,” he hisses.

I stand there, unsure what to do. My mind feels like it’s wading through mud at the same time as spinning uncontrollably.

Words finally come to mind. “I should call an ambulance.” My voice sounds foreign, like it belongs to someone else.

“How could you do this?” his voice is just a whisper now, but it is a torn one. I move from the bed, reaching to wrap my bathrobe around my shoulders and walk downstairs to get the phone. I dial the numbers and as I do my mind reaches a place of quiet. A place where I can’t hear the shouts of anguish from my husband or the silence of my daughter.

The ringing is loud in my ear.

There’s a voice on the other end, asking for details. I must reply because they keep talking, keep telling me to stay on the phone. They ask what happened but I can’t answer. I can’t say it. I can’t say anything.

“Are you there?” the lady on the other end of the line says. “Are you still there.”

“Yes.”

“Okay. The ambulance is on its way. It will be there soon okay. I just need you to stay on the line for me, can you do that?”

“Yes.”

“Is there anyone else there with you? Anyone who can tell me what happened?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, okay. That’s good. Now, I want you to take the phone to them, do you think you can do that?”

“Yes.” I walk up the stairs, the soothing voice on the other end of the phone encouraging me with each step. Hudson has Calla on the bed. His body is hunched over her and he’s sobbing.

“Here.” I hold out the phone. “It’s for you.”

chapter thirty-one

NOW

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