Page 40 of Say You Love Me

The moon is high in the night sky when I slip down the stairs and rummage through the kitchen cupboards until I find what I’m looking for. I wander toward the door, lighting the cigarette as I walk, not caring about the trail of smoke wafting into the house. It’s cool outside and I wish I’d put on more than an oversized t-shirt. It’s Hudson’s and it smells of him.

The stars never seem as close here as they do at the lake, but I still find my Finity star. Tonight it seems to be changing color, alternating between yellow and orange as if to finally back up what my father said all those years ago. I inhale deeply and let the stream of smoke out so it covers the sky, blocking my vision. After throwing the butt away, I walk back inside and curl up on the couch with a blanket. I’m not sure I can lie next to Hudson and sleep. I’m not sure I want to.

My phone flashes from the coffee table. There’s a message waiting for me. It’s from Rylee and all it says is ‘wow’. No other words. No punctuation or exclamation mark.

I call him. He answers on the second ring.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey.”

There’s a long silence with nothing but the sound of his breath coming down the line.

“Are you okay?” I ask finally.

“What the fuck happened tonight?”

“Sorry.” Guilt weighs on me heavily. It was cruel what we did to Rylee. We should have never put him in that position.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” He’s almost whispering as he speaks. “Kissing you is something I’ve wanted to do since the moment I saw you. I just never thought I’d do it while your husband was watching.”

“We should have never put you in that position, Rylee. I’m so sorry.”

He half laughs, half snorts. “Stop saying you’re sorry. It was like one of the most…” He pauses. “My god, Fin. It was amazing. It was… I don’t even know how to explain it. Did you know it was going to happen? Did you like, plan for this? Is it why you invited me over?”

“No.” I shake my head even though he can’t see me. “I had no idea. I didn’t know that Hudson was even into…” It’s my turn to pause. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean, Rylee. It was as much as a surprise to me as it was to you. The other day when we had lunch, well Hudson saw and he came home so drunk. I thought he was angry at me. Well, he was angry, but I don’t think it was me he was angry at, I think it was himself. He apologized the next day and told me to invite you over for dinner. That was it. What happened—”

“You mean when we kissed?” I can hear the teasing smile to his tone.

“Yes, when we kissed, he was the one who told me to do it.”

“Did you like it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you like it when we kissed? Did it feel good?” He’s young. He’s looking for approval, affirmation.

“It felt strange.”

“But a good strange?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “When we used to lie on your bed and stare at the ceiling and tell each other all those things, I imagined what it would be like to kiss you. The reality was better. I can’t stop thinking about it, Fin.”

There’s a long silence again. I sit with the phone pressed to my ear, my knees hooked to my chest and the blankets tightly wrapped around my shoulders. I don’t know what to say. All I can think about is how Hudson made me say Rylee’s name as his fingers were inside me. It was like the only way he could stand to touch me was if he imagined someone else doing it.

“You there, Fin?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

“Will it happen again?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Would it be wrong of me to say I hope it does?”

“You aren’t the one who’s in the wrong here.”

“Do you want it to happen again?”

I don’t know how to answer. Everything felt so good, so exciting, but at the same time, I would only be using Rylee. It’s Hudson I love. Hudson I long for. Rylee is just a means to get me what I want; the touch and attention of my husband.

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