Page 16 of Say You Love Me

Liam gets to his feet, patting the pockets of his shirt. “I’ll come with you. I need a smoke anyway.” He looks to my mother and he pulls out the packet. “Yeah, I know. It’s a dirty habit.”

My mother was the one who discovered Liam had taken up smoking back when he was only fifteen. She takes every opportunity available to scold him over it.

Mum starts gathering the empty plates to take to the kitchen as Liam and Finity take the dog outside. I grab some as well, choosing to join her in the kitchen rather than stay for the strained and awkward conversation I know will ensue.

Maybe Finity was right. Maybe this dinner wasn’t such a good idea after all.

As soon as I’m in the kitchen I grab another bottle of beer from the fridge. My mother raises her eyebrows.

“It’s only my fourth.”

She just lifts her brows higher and tilts her head to the side in the way she does, a way that still makes me feel guilty even though I’m in my mid-thirties.

Out the window I can see Liam and Finity. They’ve come to the front garden, rather than the back, Liam leaning against the fence while smoke rises in puffs from his mouth. Finity laughs as he blows a smoke ring in her face, and my chest physically aches at the sight. They tilt toward each other as they talk and Liam offers her a cigarette. I’m surprised to see her take one. I’m even more surprised when she lights it and inhales deeply. She lets out her breath as though all the weight from her shoulders is being swept away.

As Mum finishes stacking the dishwasher, I move, blocking her view of the window. I don’t know why I’m protecting Finity from my mother finding out she’s smoking. I don’t want to protect her, but it’s something burned within me. Something so instinctual I can’t help it.

“Did you see the look Megan gave Liam when Finity said she’d take the dog out?” Mum leans against the bench, arms crossed over her chest. “That woman shouldn’t be so high and mighty. She has no idea what—” Mum stops and smiles brightly. “Ava dear, how are you finding living back at home?”

“Oh, I’m not living at home. We’ve rented a house just down the street actually.”

“I meant back home as in back in this town.”

“Oh.” Ava smiles widely. “You know how it is. A little quieter than the city, but it’s nice, I guess. Nice to be back with people I care about.”

Her glance slides. There’s always this hopeful look in Ava’s eyes when she looks at me. It’s as though she’s expecting me to change my mind and suddenly realize I’ve been in love with her all these years and just didn’t know it.

I’m not.

I never have been.

I never will.

Ava, Megan, Gareth and I all move into the living room after my parents leave. We flick on the television, a cricket game playing on the screen, and I down another bottle of beer. I’m not a big drinker, I need my head clear in the morning for work, but it’s a Friday night and I decide to indulge.

The only seat left when Finity comes back into the room is the space tightly wedged between Liam and me on the couch. She almost gives me an apologetic smile when she nestles into the gap. The scent of smoke wafts over and I turn my head.

When did she start smoking?

I want to be annoyed, but I’ve already got enough to be annoyed about with her, and it’s beginning to wear on me. Sometimes I just want to give in. I want to melt into her arms, feel her lips on mine. Devour her.

Megan and Ava chat while Liam and Gareth turn their attention to the game. Sookie snorts the ground looking for morsels of food that aren’t there. Finity’s thigh presses into mine and it’s as though her flesh is made of molten metal because it burns.

Despite everything going on around me, the feel of her thigh next to mine is all I can think about. And, from the way her gaze keeps sliding to mine, I know she feels it too. But I don’t meet her gaze. I can’t. Because I know if I do it will melt my resolve and I’ll reach out and touch her. And if I touch her I will want to taste her. And if I taste her…

I get up from the couch abruptly. I can’t be near her anymore. I can’t have the heat of her seeping into my skin and turning my thoughts to dust.

“How are you finding the new house?” I choose to talk to Ava because I know in some small way it will hurt Finity.

“Oh my god, it has the cutest swing in the backyard. Remember the one we used to have at home when we were kids?”

“The rotten wooden one?” Liam pipes up even though Ava’s gaze is directed at me.

“It wasn’t rotten,” she says.

“Are you sure about that?” I take another swig of my beer. “I seem to remember someone crying when it broke.”

Ava’s eyes widen and she leans toward me, as though just those few inches alone will create more of a bond between us. “That’s only because you were pushing me really, really high at the time and I went crashing to the ground.”

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