Page 15 of Say You Love Me

She’s in the kitchen when I go to find her. She’s making a coleslaw, the knife moving repetitively through the strands of cabbage as she stares blankly out the window. She doesn’t turn to look at me, even though she knows I’m here. I guess there’s no point. She knows she’s not going to find what she’s looking for in my eyes.

I clear my throat and the knife stops moving. “Are you coming back to the table?” It’s probably the highest number of words I’ve said to her in one sentence since she’s been home. “Everyone is asking if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“I said you were, but it’s a little strange you not being there while we’re all eating.”

Her eyes flick to mine. They are cold. “We were running out of coleslaw. I’ll be back there soon.” She smiles, but it’s tight. She’s telling me to piss off, leave her alone.

I take a swig of my beer and walk back into the dining room. Liam, Megan, my parents and Ava and her fiancé Gareth are all waiting for me.

Mum looks over. “Everything okay?”

“She’s just making some more coleslaw.”

I was looking forward to tonight. Stupidly, I thought with other people around we could pretend. Pretend it never happened. Pretend we’re still in love. Perhaps I could even touch her, place a hand on her shoulder, on the small of her back without the worry it could lead to more.

But Finity is cold and distant, punishing me for inviting them over in the first place. Especially Ava. She hates Ava.

Finity told me once that she feels like an outsider around my friends. Especially the women. She had such a different upbringing. She doesn’t dress the same, talk the same, act the same, but tonight, it strikes me as she walks back into the room, bowl of coleslaw in hand, she looks as though she could be any one of their doppelgangers.

The dress she is wearing is tight, fitting closely to the curves of her body, well, what’s left of them anyway. It stops just above her knees, and it’s sleeveless, showing off the smooth contours of her arms and shoulders. Her hair is long and sleek, hanging in smooth sheets either side of her face, and she’s wearing more makeup than normal, her lips a dark shade of red.

She moves the bowl of coleslaw already on the table and places the fresh one beside it. The easy chatter around the table falls to silence.

“So, Finity, is it nice to be home again?” Ava places a forkful of steak in her mouth, and then peers over at Finity.

Finity’s eyes dart to mine in desperation. I know she doesn’t want to talk about it, especially with Ava, but I don’t come to her rescue by changing the subject. I let her simmer in the uncomfortable silence. Concerning my wife, there’s a cruel streak within me that wasn’t there before.

“Yes, it’s very nice,” is all Finity says.

“So what exactly was it like there? I mean, it’s for people who have had mental breakdowns or whatever so there must have been a lot of nutcases there, right?” Ava looks so innocent as she asks the question, but everyone at the table knows she’s not.

“Most of the guests were there for addiction issues, actually, though you are right, there were a few nutcases.”

“Guests? They referred to them as guests?” Ava laughs. “The term guest implies some sort of choice in being there, but you have to be admitted, don’t you?”

“I’ve heard that there have been celebrities staying there before.” My mother is the one who comes to Finity’s rescue. “You know, the ones who just need a little rest and relaxing, recoup from their busy lives.”

“Oh yes,” Megan chimes in. “I’ve heard that too. Can’t remember who it was that was rumored to have stayed there though. Was it a singer, an actor?”

“I heard it was the guy that won that reality show a while back, you know the one.”

Ava laughs. “Rest and recuperation? Is that what we’re calling it these days?” Only her fiancé laughs.

It hasn’t escaped my attention, or anyone’s else’s, that the guy is a cheap replica of me. His hair is styled the same as mine, he’s wearing the same sort of clothing I do. Ava is being overly affectionate with him, almost as though she’s hoping to arouse some sort of jealousy within me. She’ll be waiting a while. This distance between Finity and me hasn’t created any desire for another woman. If anything, it’s only made me crave my wife more.But I won’t touch her. I can’t touch her. To touch her would be to forgive her, and I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that.

Over in the corner, Sookie plops herself down from the couch and pads across the floor to sit at Megan’s feet. Megan bends down, her face in the dog’s face, and talks in a baby voice.

“Do you need to go outside? Do you need to go pee-pee?”

“That’s how you talk to it?” I chuckle. Megan is a strict, no-nonsense sort of a woman. To see her cooing over a dog defies everything I thought I knew about her.

Finity gets to her feet, the chair legs scraping loudly over the floor. “I’ll take her.”

Her reaction to meeting Sookie had been different than mine. She thought the dog to be cute and not at all reminiscent of a mop.

Megan’s eyes snap to Liam as Finity walks over to pick up Sookie. I’m glad she can’t see the look that crosses between them, that she can’t see the way Megan panics at the thought of her being alone with Sookie, even though it’s just a dog.

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