Page 29 of Tears and Other Fears

Chapter 16

Depression was like cancer.You had good days and bad days. Either way, it was eating you up from the inside out, claiming every cell in your body until you were nothing but your disease. I woke up a sweaty, exhausted mess. Renon and Young were both holding me tightly, making my body heat up from their fuming skin. I snuck out of their clutches before the sun came up and slipped past a snoozing Noah. My alcoholic therapist was sitting in his chair, his neck cocked at an odd angle as he snored.

I took a scalding shower, the type that erased the top layer of skin, making room for new. I was hoping that I could scorch the pain away. I scrubbed until my skin was raw and looked up at the spout, letting the water flow over my face and lick fire along my cheeks.

I didn’t get out until the water was cold, and even then, I let the icy chill seep in my veins. I welcomed the hot and cold contradiction, seeking metaphors in the pain for my own fucked up pendulum of emotions.

When I got out of the shower, the door opened, and in walked a restless Noah. His face was covered in concern.

“I didn’t kill myself in the shower, if that’s what you were worried about,” I deadpanned.

He looked me over, eyeing the way my skin bloomed red and my limbs trembled from the chill. “I just wanted to make sure you don’t need anything.” I watched as he took in my pussy and breasts. There was a reluctant way he stared, like he felt guilty for wanting me.

“I could use a towel.” My stomach growled. “And some food.”

He started searching the bathroom for a towel, and once he found one under the sink, he tossed it at me. “I’m going to make you breakfast, okay?” he asked before backing away slowly. Once the bathroom door was shut behind him, I let out the breath I was holding. After brushing my bleeding gums, I ventured out into the kitchen and paused when I saw Young and Renon sitting at the island. Renon was shirtless and scruffy; Young looked tired as fuck.

Noah was fluttering around the kitchen, opening cabinets and trying to make food out of the three eggs and old bread he’d found. I coughed so I wouldn’t have to announce myself, and as if on cue, Renon spun around to face me, a wiry grin on his face.

“Crazy girl, on a scale of pot to PCP, how fucked up are you today?” I let out a huff of laughter and sauntered over to him. Renon looked hungover and greasy, like he hadn’t showered in two days. Despite that, the bastard was still sexy. Young shoved him in the side and rolled his eyes for being insensitive, but I actually enjoyed Renon’s humor.

“I’m probably meth. Wired. Destructive. My teeth are falling out, so I don’t feel like chatting.”

“Meth is the worst,” Renon replied with a shiver.

“You’re a terrible salesman,” I replied before sitting on the stool beside him.

The three of them looked around like they were waiting on someone to speak first. I reveled in the awkwardness of it and felt the remnants of my old self surface to preen a bit. “Octavia? Can we talk for a second?” Young asked while shifting off his seat.

“Sure,” I replied, while keeping my ass firmly planted in my chair. If he wanted to chat, he’d have to do it here. He stared at me for a moment as Noah cracked open an egg and Renon took a sip of what looked like whiskey. Young was obviously uncomfortable with having an audience. He never really liked being center stage; it was just sort of thrust upon him. I wondered if that was why he loved Samuel so much. That boy craved the spotlight. Ialsowondered if that was why Young gravitated to me. I had the sort of personality that overshadowed everyone else. I demanded to be seen—to be heard.

Letting out a sigh, Young began his little apology. “Look, I’m sorry for what happened here. I’m sorry for not believing you sooner and then for fucking you when you were obviously in a bad state of mind—”

“Don’t apologize for fucking me, Young. If I didn’t want your dick inside of me, I would have pushed you off. I don’t do anything I don’t want to,” I interrupted.

Young seemed relieved at my comment, his stress-filled face relaxing a fraction. He then continued. “I think I knew all along that Samuel was a trash friend, but he was right. I was too scared to do anything about it. I’ve always been the martyr. I believe you, Octavia. And not just because I heard how much of a shit person he was or because Renon is sitting here in my fucking kitchen confirming the story. I believe you because you said it and I know you’re honest. You might be in a dark place, but you’re no liar. I know that.”

His words comforted me some, but it still felt wrong. Everything about Young and me would always feel wrong, I supposed. It was just in our nature to not fit correctly. We were too burdened by William for it to be any other way.

“So what are we going to do about Samuel? I already went to the police, they think he’s just a pusher and want his supplier,” I admitted. Maybe I shouldn’t have been admitting that I went to the police to Renon, but I didn’t care. I didn’t give him up.

Renon turned to look at me with a smile. “An informant of mine at the PD said you didn’t give me up. I guess you enjoyed thatone and a halforgasm, huh?”

Of course the rat bastard would have an informant at the police department. All legitimate drug dealers did. At least he wasn’t mad that I almost got him caught. Cocky motherfucker. “I just didn’t want you behind bars before I could cash in on your debt.”

“Conjugal visits, baby! You like me. Admit it,” he teased with a wink.

“Whatever. So what do we do? They’ve already proven they don’t give a shit about Samuel, and if we turn him in, he’ll give up Renon.”

“She totally cares about me,” Renon whispers to Noah before biting his lip. I blinked. Who the fuck was this guy, and what did he do with the elusive, take-no-shit drug dealer I met a couple of months ago? Wasn’t he the one terrified I’d tattoo his name on my pussy? Now he’s acting like he’s about ready to burn my name into his skin.

“I’ve canceled his internship. I called my father, and he’s planning on contacting a couple people at the health department to get a few of the Smith restaurants shut down. I’m going to ruin him and ruin his family,” Young replied in an ominous tone.

Noah cracked another egg and mumbled under his breath. “Great, now there are two Octavias.”

“I thought your families were friends?” I asked, remembering how Samuel bragged about it when we first met. Their parents were in the same circles, Samuel and Young attended the same private schools, even went on the same vacations. Why was his father on board?

“My parents never really liked the Smiths. They were always intruding on our lives. They tolerated them because I was friends with Samuel. Dad was happy to finally have a reason to sever that friendship.”

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