Page 23 of Tears and Other Fears

My inner demons wanted to lash out and say it wasn’t good enough, but despite everything, something about Noah made me want to be better, do better. It didn’t mean that I forgave Noah—I didn’t have it in me for that. Somehow, I knew that this had more to do with me wanting to prove something. Noah sent me away to that institution because he thought I was self-destructive and that I needed saving. I guess in some ways he was right. Here I was asking for his help. Something told me I’d always be asking for his help.

“Okay. Let’s go to the police,” I reluctantly replied, though I doubted they’d do anything.

“Really? I’m waiting for the bomb to drop... What happened with Young? Things seemed tense.”

He was in therapist mode, but he hadn’t earned the right to talk to me about Young. Admittedly, I didn’t want to talk about it. I’d given him the ultimate Octavia ultimatum. I left him to simmer in the truth of my personality, and I wasn’t ready to talk about my fears. What if he couldn’t handle this version of me?

“You aren’t my therapist anymore. We aren’t talking about Young.”

“Okay. I’ll take what I can get.”

That seemed to be the theme lately. I usually didn’t mind being abrupt or closed off. But my selfishness was starting to take a toll. I didn’t do the whole guilt thing or fear bullshit.

But I feared the guilt rising in my throat and taunting my brain with a new obsession: being better.

Whatever the fuck that meant.

“So letme get this straight. You’re working with a high-profile drug dealer but won’t give me his name?” The cop looked me over as I spun a ballpoint pen on the wooden desk. Noah was sitting beside me, arms crossed over his chest as he nodded reassuringly at me.

“I already gave you a name—Samuel Smith.”

“He’s not the source, though. He’s just a distributor.”

I gritted my teeth, hating the game these men were playing and also myself for wanting to protect Renon. I didn’t know how high up he was, but I knew that if I dropped his name, they’d punish him way before they punished the wealthy and influential Smiths.

“I’ll agree. He’s an ass. But he’s pushing drugs,” the asshole cop added.

The cop talking with me was scrawny, and I fleetingly wondered how he worked the streets. One stiff wind would send him crashing to the ground. I imagined leaning over and wrapping my fingers around his neck. “Why would you protect the organization that supplied the tainted drugs Mr. Smith gave to William? I don’t get it.” We’d been sitting in this conference room for a couple of hours with nothing to show for it. I was getting pissed off.

“I’m not protecting the organization, Officer Lank. I’m protecting a man in their hierarchy. I don’t even know how high up he is. He warned Samuel that the drugs were bad. He was friends with my brother.”

“Miss Wilson, I want to help you. I really do. But unless I know how big of an infrastructure we’re working with, it’s just not worth our time. Samuel Smith will get off easily. His parents have more resources than they know what to do with. He’s just another rich college kid with money to blow on drugs. He probably just hands them out at parties to look cool.”

Officer Asshole was probably right, but that didn’t make me any happier. “Octavia, maybe you should tell them?” Noah suggested. I should have known he wouldn’t side with me on this. He never sided with me.

“No. It’s Samuel Smith you should be investigating. He gave William those drugs, knowing it would kill him.”

“And I sympathize with you, Miss Wilson. But you’re going to have to give me more to work with.”

I gritted my teeth. “No.”

Officer Asshole just stared at me for a long while, then nodded at Noah. “Well. I suppose we’re done then. Have a good afternoon, Miss Wilson.”

I didn’t return the sentiment. I simply got up and let myself outside. Noah followed closely behind, and I could feel his anxiety pulsing at my back. It was heated and confusing.

“What the fuck was that?” I asked once we were on the street. Taxis and men on bikes crawled by us, itching to get to their destination.

“What the fuck was what?”

“Why didn’t you side with me? You wanted me to tell them about…” I didn’t let Renon’s name leave my lips. I couldn’t trust Noah not to march in there and name drop like the journalists on TMZ.

“I thought that’s what you wanted. Why are you protecting this guy? Does he mean something to you?”

I let out a rush of air before thrusting a shaky hand through my hair. I felt off-kilter and anxious. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to protect Renon. The sex was good, but that wasn’t why I didn’t want to give him up. He was William’s ally, providing him with Prozac when he was too scared to go to the doctor. It felt wrong to turn him in. Not to mention, I owed the fucker. Even if I refused to admit it, even if the gun didn’t work and Samuel was too much of a pussy to do anything outright, Renon saved me that night.

He didn’t deserve this. Samuel did.

“I fucked him, yeah. Seemed like too good of a cock to let it waste behind bars,” I breezed before chewing on my nail. Noah openly took me in, those blue eyes of his seeing all the things hidden in my expression that I was too afraid to say.

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