Page 21 of Tears and Other Fears

I watched as Young worked through all the truths that had just exploded in his chest. Samuel’s involvement in William’s death became abundantly clear, and I had to watch with painful clarity how Young processed it all. His face scrunched up in pain. His chest collapsed, and those proud shoulders of his slumped so low I thought his hands would drag on the floor. “I still don’t understand why I walked in on you fucking Renon,” he growled.

“I still don’t get why you’re surprised,” I retorted. He walked over to my dress on the floor and picked it up before stalking over to me. Holding it open at my legs, I braced my hands on his shoulder while stepping inside the soft fabric. When I turned around, Renon handed him the bloody pin meant to hold everything together. I could see from the corner of my eye that they exchanged looks of annoyance. Renon didn’t have a reason to be angry, and yet there he stood with his mouth hardened in a firm line.

Once I was fully dressed, I sat on Samuel’s bed and hooked my stilettos around my heel, bending over while trying to think of what I could say.

“Octavia, can we please talk for a moment?” Young asked. I looked up at him, my hair falling in my eyes as I glanced between Renon and Young.

“Sure. Let’s get out of here. Wanna call a cab?” I asked.

Renon blanched. “You’re just going to leave with him right after...that?”

“Yep,” I replied simplistically.

“I still owe you an orgasm.”

“And I still plan on cashing in on that, but another day. Young needs me right now, okay?” I asked before getting up. Young proudly stretched out his hand for me to take, and I curled my body around his arm, latching on for dear life to try and stabilize my erratic emotions.

“I’ll call you, okay?” Renon called at my back as we walked out of Samuel’s bedroom. I paused to look at him, a grin on my face.

“Careful, Renon the Drug Dealer. I told you not to get attached.”

“I’m not fucking attached!” he yelled as Young and I went downstairs. Eyes were on us as we walked. I could feel Mr. Smith’s angry stare. Samuel was nowhere to be found. I wasn’t sure if everyone was watching because Renon and I hadn’t exactly been quiet or if the bruises on my skin and ruffled hair were obvious. Something told me it had nothing to do with that. Eyes followed Young wherever he went.

I guess we were both used to being the center of attention. The only difference was people admired him and feared me.

Outside, we stood on the curb as he ordered a car. Renon breezed by us, but I caught him staring at me. I’d warned him. I really did. Some might not appreciate the sort of confidence I had, but others didn’t take it seriously. Renon was turned on by confidence and didn’t know what to do about it.

“I can’t believe you slept with him while I was downstairs,” Young said through clenched teeth. “Why would you do that?”

I turned to look at him, refusing to feel shame for what I did. Maybe it made me selfish and cruel, but I always made my intentions clear. “You don’t have me, Young,” I said loudly. “Not in that way—never in that way.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it. Why are you so scared to let people in, Octavia? Why are you so scared to let this thing between us grow?”

“I’m not scared—”

“Right. You aren’t scared of anything, I forgot.” Young’s voice was laced with sarcasm.

I let out a huff and propped my hand on my waist. “Let me finish. I’m never going to give you a happily ever after. That would have—could have—been William. There is way too much history between us for this to be real. You hurt my brother. You loved him. You care deeply for me, but there will always be a dead man between us. So you can accept that I’m always going to be this,” I began while gesturing to myself, “or you can let me go.”

“And what exactly is this, Octavia? Fucking other men while handing your heart to me? Destroying people while building me up? I don’t know if I should hate you or kiss you for bringing Samuel’s truth to light.”

“This? You’re going to get a very small, profound piece of me. You’re going to get parts I don’t give to others. You’re going to get incredible sex and endless entertainment. I’m confusing and intimate when I want to be, but I’m too damn damaged to belong to anyone but myself. You can complement my life, Young, but you won’t consume it.”

The car pulled up, and he opened the back door, gesturing for me to get inside. Once we were both settled in the backseat, I watched as Young stared out the window, his eyes taking in the pristine neighborhood, but I knew his mind was somewhere else.

“I need to think. About you. About Samuel. I’m not coping well right now. It feels like William has died all over again, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why, despite all of this, I keep seeing the vision of you and Renon fucking on the floor.”

I blinked. “Okay. So you need space and time? I can do that,” I replied softly. Why did it hurt to say that? I wasn’t a complete asshole; I wasn’t willing to force my company on someone that needed some clarity.

“I’ll get you a hotel room, okay? Just for a night or two. I need to figure my shit out. Maybe we’d be better off as friends? I don’t even know if I could go back to that.”

“As you wish. Don’t bother about the hotel room, though. I know where I’m going to stay.”

“Don’t be stubborn, Octavia. I’m always going to take care of you. You have no money, no job, and nowhere to go. I’m not trying to be cruel; I just need space to think.”

I rolled my eyes. “I know you get off on being a savior, but you aren’t my only option. I think it’s time I figure my shit out with Noah. I’ve been hating and avoiding him, but maybe while you decide if you can handle this version of me, I need to decide if it’s worth it to forgive him or not.”

“Are you serious? I don’t get you, Octavia. He helped your mom put you in that center, and now you want to stay with him for a couple of days? What the fuck!” His loud voice made the cab driver flinch and stare at us in the rearview mirror.

---