Page 13 of Tears and Other Fears

“It would help if you sent yourself flowers, then choked on a thorn,” I replied in earnest. I wanted nothing more than to inflict the kind of pain Samuel inflicted on me. I didn’t understand the type of pressure he felt—didn’t know why he was so desperate to graduate that he was willing to ruin my brother. But I did know he would one day pay for what he did.

“Tell me about your parents,” I said with a frown. I guessed in some ways they were to blame, too. At the rate I was going, there was so much serendipitous chaos that brought my brother to an early grave that I didn’t know where to start. The parents who pressured Samuel. The woman who blackmailed Nathaniel Young. The drug dealer with defective drugs. Hell, even Noah was responsible. If he hadn’t intervened to get me locked up, maybe someone would have believed me when I said Samuel Smith killed my brother.

“My parents have high expectations,” he replied cryptically.

“So high that you’d rather kill an innocent man than disappoint them?” I asked back. What the fuck kind of abuse had he endured? I didn’t feel sorry for him, but the inevitable end William faced was like a detailed map. I wanted every road that led to that fated conclusion. I wanted to break every hand that played a part in orchestrating his death.

“If I tell you how my daddy hit me, is that going to make you feel sorry for me? ’Cause I’m not here for your pity. I’m here because…” his voice trailed off, and immediately my fucked up brain worked to understand all the little nuances that made Samuel tick. “I’m here because I feel more guilty about using you up than I do about killing your brother. I fucked you because it felt nice, and I want to do it again. I’m here because I know I’ll never have you, and that’s twisting me up more than knowing I held a gun to your chest and drugs to your brother’s lips.”

I wasn’t expecting that response. I kind of hated that he caught me off guard. I guess we shared that feeling. I hated that the one person who could ease the turmoil in my head was also the source of them. It was powerful, really, knowing that I’d always held that power over him.

“You’re never going to have me again, Samuel. And I really hope I get to end your life so that you know it was something you wanted that ended you.”

Samuel wasn’t surprised by my reaction. It was no secret that I wanted him dead. I wanted the entire world to burn at this point. “You won’t win,” Samuel whispered.

“Why not?” Samuel didn’t get it. Winning was subjective. I could walk out of this coffee shop and blow my brains out like Congressman Bright’s wife did last year and still feel like a winner. The prize was the absence of pain, and I was chasing it down with everything I had.

Samuel’s face distorted at my question. “Because people like me don’t pay for our crimes. Do you think my father doesn’t know what happened here? You think the school board didn’t notice something off with a straight-A student dying from an overdose? I’m not the only person with a secret, and I’m certainly not the first person to cover one up. There are casualties of war, and your brother was one of them. All you can do is heal now. Isn’t it enough that I feel terrible? But even if I wanted to go public, the system wouldn’t let me. My parents are too important; this school is too important.”

I slammed both palms on the table. “No. That’s not good enough,” I seethed. “You may think that the guilt is enough, but it’s not. Importance is nothing when you’re dead.”

“Is that a threat?” he asked.

“It is. It’s a threat, a promise, and a truth all rolled into one. I’m going to destroy you, Samuel. I’m going to make sure the world knows about what happened to my brother. I’m not scared about my reputation or your parents’ influence. I’m not scared of dying. I’m not scared of being forgotten. I’m scared of pretending William never existed, which is far worse than the fate you handed him on a silver platter.”

He opened his mouth to answer, but a familiar face approaching and a shift in the air caught my attention. I was so busy staring at Samuel that I hadn’t noticed the approaching trouble. At the entrance, Noah and Young walked through, both looking frantic and scared for their lives.

“Octavia?” Young called out when he saw me. Noah turned towards the table I was sitting at, and his shoulders slumped in relief.

It took a good fifteen seconds for the betrayal to set in. It was like tar coating my paper-thin bones and dancing on my soul. The moment Noah’s eyes met mine, I saw that short-lived relief flee his tired-looking body. The next emotion to cross his features was absolute fear. He expected me to lash out, and I had half a mind to do that. But I felt myself wanting to catch him off guard. It was more fun that way.

“Noah! Surprised to see you here,” I said while pasting on the best smile I could come up with. It bled with resentment. “Did Young call you before or after he found me no longer in his bed? Just curious if he was hoping for a slumber party or...” I let my voice drift off as I ran a long nail down my top, scratching at the worn font.

“After. I was worried about you, Tav,” Young answered for him in a whisper. He then traveled over to kneel at my chair. I liked having him kneel. He placed a finger on my chin and looked into my eyes with that same sense of love and adoration he held last night, and it was making me cagey.

“Well, I’m here. Just having breakfast with Samuel. I told him to come home so I could strangle him in his sleep,” I joked but didn’t really feel the humor in my words. The idea had merit, I’d admit.

Young turned to look at Samuel and gave him an incredulous stare before standing back up. He tugged at the bottom of his shirt before putting his hands on his hips like a goddamn mother hen. He looked ridiculous. “What are you doing here?”

“Octavia showed up serendipitously. We didn’t plan this, not that it’s any of your business,” Samuel spouted off like he had a right to.

“The three of us have got to stop meeting like this,” I teased, though Noah’s hot stare was burning my skin, which still smelled of Young, to a fucking crisp. “Look. I just needed some space, ran into Samuel, and decided we should probably discuss the time he held a gun to my chest and admitted to killing William.”

I was just letting the truth hang out like my grandmother’s breasts at the Christmas brunch of 2013. Samuel didn’t even fucking flinch. “Octavia,” he tsked. That was all he said. Didn’t even deny it, just sat there with a smug smile while holding gun smoke in his teeth. I wanted to run to the counter and grab a butter knife, drag it along his skin and hope for the best.

“Samuel, I’m surprised you’re even here,” Young began before sitting in the chair next to me. Noah stood awkwardly at my back with his arms crossed. “I thought you were staying with your parents until graduation?”

Samuel gave me a hard stare before turning his attention to Young. “I had some stuff to do. I’m going home tonight, though.”

I decided to pipe in. “Did that stuff include paying Renon back? Rumor has it you owe him a lot of money.”

Samuel’s face drained of blood, but he kept his face expressionless. “Who is Renon?” he asked. I had to laugh.

“You’re almost convincing, Sammy boy,” I choked out. A hand clamped down on my shoulder, and I shrugged it off. Noah hadn’t earned the right to touch me. Sex with me was a reward system, and Noah would be earning stars for the rest of his life if he wanted to ever touch me again.

Young continued, “Well, you should have called. We could have met for lunch. Also, please let your parents know that Octavia will be my plus one for your graduation party. I hope that’s alright?” Young asked while placing his arm over my shoulders. It was a strategic move, and the only reason I didn’t shrug off the intimacy was because I wanted to watch Samuel squirm.

And squirm he did.

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