Page 78 of Irresistibly Wild

“Oh. Well, how can I help you lovely folks tonight?”

“Putting on some pants first would be helpful,” Travis said.

“Can’t do that,” he said. “I’ve got a bachelorette party coming in thirty minutes, so I need to fluff my dick as much as possible.”

“We need to see the priest then. We’re trying to get married.”

“Nice to meet you.” He snapped off his bowtie and put on a white clergy collar. “Cash or check?”

“Credit.”

“Cool.” He pulled a tablet from god-knows-where and held out his hand. “It’ll be four hundred dollars and eighty-eight cents. Oh, and your credit card statement might say, ‘Vegas Children’s Charity,’ but pay no mind to that.”

We stared at him blankly, but he didn’t skip a beat.

He handed Travis a folder and pen, and then he picked up a brown bag. Opening it, he revealed a twinkling tiara with a short white veil.

“Here you are, Beautiful.” He slid it into my hair. “This brand is usually for the girls who work the poles for me, but I’ll let you have it on the house tonight.”

I had no words.

“All my ceremonies come with a complimentary flight of tequila.” He stepped behind a counter and pulled out a tray of shot glasses. “I highly recommend making a wish between each one.”

I knocked three back in succession, wincing as the liquor burned my throat.

“Please make this guy put some pants on,” was the only wish I could muster.

“Don’t think I forgot about you, sir.” He picked up a pair of silver pleasure balls and gave them to Travis. “These are for your honeymoon. They’re slightly used, but you can wash ‘em again if that type of thing bothers you.”

Travis let them fall to the floor.

“We’re all set for the ceremony!” He looked over the paperwork. “Cherry will handle the legal shit while I—wait a fucking minute…You’re Travis Carter? As intheTravis Carter?”

“No,” Travis said. “I’ve never heard of him.”

“Too bad.” The guy shook his head. “You would find good work as his body double if you ever considered it.”

Not catching Travis’s sarcasm, he directed us to follow him inside a small white chapel. The pews were filled with oversized blowup dolls, each one donning a name tag that read “wedding witness.”

Taking his place behind the podium, he opened a book that was definitelynotthe Bible and picked up a flask.

“Dearly Beloved,” he said, “we are gathered here tonight to bear witness to two souls who are deeply in love. Will the soon-to-be wedded please join hands?”

We obliged.

“Do you, ‘Insert Bride to Be’s Name,’ take ‘Insert Groom to Be’s Name,’ to have and to hold, from this day forward?”

“Um…” I couldn’t take this man seriously. “I do.”

“What about for better or for worse, for richer or—Slightly pause the reading for dramatic effect.” He sipped from his flask. “For poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish always, ‘til death do you part?”

“I do,” I said.

“How about you?” He looked at Travis. “Ditto to everything I said, plus do you take her ‘til death do you part?”

“I do,” Travis said.

“Perfect!” He shut the book. “You may now kiss the bride.”

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