Page 63 of Savage Love

He pushes my drink towards me. “It’s not a betrayal of what you had with Lidiya to be happy now. She wouldwantyou to be happy. And before you tell me that I don’t know what she would want, you’re right in a way. I never met her; I didn’t know her. I only know what you’ve shared with me, the bits and pieces over the years. But I know the kind of woman who would love you, Levin, despite all the danger and all the roadblocks. I know that kind of woman, because I’ve married one, too. And I know that Caterina would never want me to punish myself the way you’ve punished yourself all these years.” He takes a deep breath. “Not to sound like Max, but you’ve done enough penance. Get off your fucking knees, and tell the woman you love that you want to be her husband. None of us know how much time we have left in this life that we live. Don’t waste it grieving someone who would be heartbroken to know how you’ve torn yourself apart for something that was never your choice to make for her.”

I listen to all of it, my hand wrapped so tightly around my glass that I think at one point that it might shatter, and at first, all I can feel is a searing, stubborn anger at everything he says—at the idea that he might know what Lidiya would have wanted, that I might have spent all these years suffering needlessly, that I might have handled everything in my marriage wrong thus far. It makes me furious to hear it, but somewhere in the middle, I start to realize what Max and Liam had only been able to get me to ever so briefly consider.

He might beright.

It had been easy to tell myself that Max and Liam didn’t understand. That they’d never had to deal with anything like this. Max had suffered loss—the violent death of his brother that caused him to leave the priesthood for his revenge, but not the loss of a spouse. Neither had Liam, who had never been in love with anyone before he fell head over heels for Ana. I’d told myself that their advice, while well-meaning, missed the mark. That they couldn’t grasp what I’d struggled with for so many years.

But coming from Viktor, it’s different. His comparison of his own loss to mine had irked me, but he had a point. His losswassimilar in many ways. And while his second marriage had been out of necessity, rather than an accident, I can’t deny that he and everyone else has been the better for him falling in love with Caterina, and her with him. She’sgoodfor him. They have a happy marriage, one that anyone would envy. He found a way to make his life a happy one, even after loss and grief.

What he said about taking away Lidiya’s choice sticks in my mind, burning a trail of fire through me. It makes me angry—but again, I can’t shake the feeling that he isn’twrong. Even if it hurts to admit it.

I swirl the vodka in my glass, frowning, and then look up, narrowing my eyes at him. “This is why you dragged me up here, isn’t it? Not because you really needed me to look in on the trainees for you.”

Viktor shrugs. “I did need your opinion. But I’ll admit to wanting to have this conversation with you, before your marriage went on too much longer. It felt—necessary. You should be happy, Levin. You’re a good man—better than most of us. You don’t deserve the things you’ve suffered. You certainly don’t deserve to suffer for the remainder of the life you still have to live.”

He clears his throat, taking another sip of his drink. “Now, what else do you have to tell me about my trainees?”

By the time I head back to my hotel room, my head is pleasantly fuzzy with expensive vodka, and swirling with everything Viktor said to me. It feels like a violent struggle within my mind, between the part of me that thinks that he might be right, and the part that wonders if I’m only listening to him out of my own selfishness, because deep down, Iwantan excuse to give in to Elena, to let myself love her, to let myself be happy.

Call her,the small voice in my head whispers, emboldened by the alcohol.That’s what a good husband would do, call his wife while he’s out of town. See how hearing her voice makes you feel. You should have called her when you landed, and you didn’t. Call her now.

I make it up to my room and pull my phone out, sinking onto the edge of the bed. I should call her, to be a good husband. I shouldn’t call her, because I’d planned for this trip to be a test of putting distance between us. I should–I shouldn’t–I go back and forth, over and over, until I find myself searching for her name in my contacts, pressing my finger to the screen before I can stop myself.

The phone rings. It rings again, twice more, and I expect to hear her voice—but I don’t. It rings until it goes to voicemail, and all I hear is the sweet chirp of her voice saying that she’ll call me back.

I can’t explain the feeling that goes through me. There’s disappointment, followed by a sharp rush of fear—which makes absolutely no sense. We don’t text and call each other like a normal married couple; I’ve made a point ofnotdoing that to keep some of that distance. There’s no reason to think something is wrong just because she didn’t pick up the first time I called her.

But she doesn’t pick up the second time, or the third. I wait a half hour, drinking another glass of vodka from the minibar, and call her again, with no answer. The fear grows, settling like a rock in my gut, and I have to physically stop myself from calling an Uber to the airport and going back to Boston tonight.

Maybe call someone else, like you have some sense, instead of rushing home because she didn’t answer phone calls from the husband who has made a point of offering her space.

I call Isabella twice, and there’s no answer.Maybe whatever she and Elena are doing, it’s keeping her away from her phone, too.My head is full of panicked thoughts of Elena in the hospital again, Isabella at her side, and I call Niall next. When he doesn’t pick up, I call Max, and then Liam, and when no one answers, I nearly throw my phone across the room in frustration.

What the fuck is everyone doing?

I call Niall again, and this time, to my eternal relief, he answers.

“Levin? Is everything alright? Sorry, I was in the shower and didn’t get your call.”

“I–yeah. Everything is fine. I just wasn’t able to get ahold of Elena earlier and wondered if you knew what she and Isabella were up to. I was worried about her. You know, after—”

“Of course.” Niall pauses. “As far as I know, they were staying in tonight. They went out shopping earlier, I think. Now that I think about it, actually, I haven’t heard from Isabella, either.”

The fear comes back in a choking rush. “For how long?”

“Ah, shite. I don’t know. Aisling has been keeping me busy all day. I haven’t had time to think about it, honestly. I assumed she’d call me if she needed me. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Just a little worried.” I’m more than a little fucking worried, but I don’t want to let on just how much. “Can you try calling her?”

“Sure thing. I’ll let you know what I hear.”

Thirty minutes later, I get a text from Niall that makes me very nearly jump on a plane all over again.

No answer. Maybe they turned in early? I’m sure it’s nothing. Isabella is probably enjoying her time away, honestly.

I grit my teeth, trying to compose a return message that doesn’t make me sound like an absolute lunatic.Can you go and check on them? I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but after what happened—

A moment’s pause and my phone goes off.

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