Page 52 of Savage Love

I don’t often think about it. Not just because of how much it hurts to think about Lidiya, to remember her, but because those four men are the only ones I ever killed because I wanted to. Everyone else was just a job.

Tonight is just a job. The men Diego has sent to destroy this shipment mean nothing to me. I won’t remember what they look like tomorrow, and I won’t ever know their names. But Iwantedto kill those four. Ienjoyedit. And that’s never been who I am, otherwise.

If I get to Diego, I’ll enjoy that, too. And I want that to be the end of moments where I look at someone else, and think how good it would feel to have their blood on my hands.

I never wanted to feel that way about anyone. I thought, if I never let anyone close to me again, I’d never have to.

The car pulls into the alleyway, and I try to shake it off. I know this is what Jacob was talking about—how something making it personal can get in someone’s head, distract them, and put everyone at risk. I know I’m meant to be better at this than that. So I try to switch off. To sink into that quietness between the beginning and the end of a job where everything is just muscle memory. Where I act on instinct and nothing more.

But I keep seeing Lidiya, and Elena. I keep remembering what it felt like to kill those men. I keep thinking ahead to the moment when Diego is the one at the other end of my gun. And I know, from years of long training and experience, that I shouldn’t be here tonight. That I’m too close to being a liability.

It’s too late now.

There’s always a possibility that the shipment comes in, and everything’s fine. That this turns out to be nothing but a patrol.

I don’t think that’s going to be the case, though—and it’s not.

The shipment is half unloaded when we hear them coming. Me and Jacob first, because we’re the ones keeping the sharpest ear out, and the ones best trained for this. Both of us already have our guns out, waiting, and Jacob makes a quick motion to the two of our men closest to us, signaling for them to warn the others.

I let Jacob be the one who steps forward as the group of Diego’s men approaches. I can see their steps slowing when they see that there are others there beyond just who they expected to be unloading, but they don’t stop, and they don’t turn to leave. I don’t blame them—I’ve encountered enough bosses like Diego to know that for these men, they’re better off coming the rest of the way and dying than going back to whoever is in charge of them and saying they turned around and bailed on the job. Whoever answers to them answers to Diego, and a man like Diego isn’t going to reward failure with anything but a slower death than the one they’ll get tonight.

Still, Jacob offers them the choice, when they get closer. It’s what makes organizations like the Kings think that they’re better, more sophisticated, more honorable—that they’re willing to be merciful, in some circumstances.

“Get out of here, and we won’t shoot,” Jacob calls out. “You can go back to your boss and tell him the shipment was already unloaded and cleared out, or whatever keeps your nose clean. I don’t give a fuck, lads. But you best get out, or we’ll be forced to send you home to Gonzalez one way or another.”

There’s no response except for the faint clicking of gun chambers being loaded and the low murmuring of one man saying something to another—all what I expected. Once they arrived, they weren’t going back.

Jacob waits long enough to see them for certain. To know that they’re going to shoot at us. He doesn’t wait long enough for them to shoot first, and that makes me respect him a little more than I already did.

My mind almost slips into that quiet blankness as I fire, as the air all around me fills with the sound of gunshots and the greyish smoke, and the smell of hot metal. And then I remember seeing Elena sleeping earlier today, the soft peacefulness on her face, and I find myself wishing that I’d kissed her goodbye before I left again. That I’d told her I was leaving to go do this job at all.

If I die, she won’t ever know what I was doing until it’s over.

The thought makes me flinch. The thought of not seeing her again distracts me, just for a moment. Not long enough to get me killed, but enough to get me clipped, and the feeling of a bullet grazing my thigh, tearing through the fabric of my pants and spilling hot blood down my leg jerks me back to reality.

I pull the trigger and the man who shot me drops. One of our men goes down, and I fire again, and feel a second bullet graze me, enough to make me reassess the situation.

It goes fast. So fucking fast. Jacob sees what’s happening and drops the man who fired at me, and I keep shooting, the rest of the men with us fanning out. My arm and thigh are burning, pain lancing down into my bones, but I learned long ago to ignore it. Pain can be addressed later. It can’t be addressed at all if I’m dead.

It’s not until all of Diego’s men are down that I start to let myself feel it. Jacob is at my side immediately, looking at me with concern. “Are you alright, man?”

“Just got winged, that’s all. I’ll get home and patch it up.”

“I can get you somewhere closer if you want to address it there—”

“I’d rather be home.” I grit my teeth, looking around to make sure there’s no one else coming that we haven’t accounted for. “Let’s finish dealing with the shipment and—”

“No, you’re done.” Jacob whistles, and one of the men comes loping towards us.

“I can stay and finish this with all of you—”

“You’re going home.” Jacob’s voice holds a finality that tells me he’s spent time telling other men what to do, and as much as it rankles with me to be given orders by someone who isn’t technically my superior—and is, in fact, younger than me—I can still feel the hot trickle of blood down my thigh, and I know he’s not wrong.

I need to get patched up. One way or another, I need to get somewhere to do that, so it’s either wherever the Kings’ men take care of those things, or my own home. If my home is my preference, then—

“He’ll take you.” Jacob nods towards the man who came hurrying over. “We can call for another car. He’ll get you back, and then just report in to Connor and Liam when you can. I’ll debrief them after.” He pauses. “It was a big help, having you out here. You’re as good as I’ve heard.”

“I appreciate the compliment. I’m sure it won’t be the last time.”

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