Page 40 of Savage Love

“I don’t see that.” Isabella frowns. “I see a man who is letting everyone else around him make the choices for the life that he’s supposed to be building with his wife. Hell, Niall would have argued if someone else had tried to come along to our appointment. He would havewantedit to be the two of us. And I’m not saying that your or my wishes shouldn’t win out in the end, for something like that, but Niall would at least have had a fucking opinion about it—”

“Levin can’t.” I blurt it out, before I can stop myself. “He can’t have an opinion, because he doesn’t think he deserves any of this. He doesn’t think he’s supposed to have it, so he’s letting it all happen around him, because he’s afraid it’s going to disappear if he takes an active part in it. And he feels guilty, but he has to be here, because it’s theright thing to do.” I mimic Niall’s accent, and Isabella almost laughs, before she looks at me in confusion.

“Elena, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Levin’s first wife died.”

“I know that.” Isabella runs her hand through her hair. “Elena, I get it—and that’s horrible. It really is. But I also know it was a long time ago. People lose their spouses. That doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to get married again.”

“She was pregnant.” I look at Isabella, willing her to understand. “They–what they did was awful. They killed her, and they—”

I can’t finish the sentence, but Isabella has lived in the world of cartels and mafia and Bratva long enough to guess how it ends. I see her face pale a little, and her hands grip the countertop more tightly.

“Oh,” she says softly. “I didn’t know. I–” She swallows hard. “That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t know until recently.” My teeth sink a little deeper into my lower lip. “And he feels like it was his fault. He was trying to leave the Syndicate, and some of the other members were angry that he was getting out. They blamed her. So they murdered her to try to keep him from leaving—or just out of malice, I don’t know for sure. I don’t think Levin does either, or he hasn’t said for sure which. But they’re dead now, too.”

“I can imagine they are.” Isabella still looks pale. “So he blames himself for it.”

I nod. “He thinks if he’d just left her alone, if he hadn’t fallen in love with her, then she’d be alive now. He has this habit—” I take a deep breath. “He always seems to feel that these choices are made in a vacuum, I guess. That he alone could have walked away and made the choice for both of them. I’ve tried to tell him that maybe that’s not what she would have wanted. That maybe their life together was worth it for her. I can’t know one way or another.Idon’t know how I would feel, if it were me, if I knew I was going to—”

Tears well up in my eyes, and I rub my hand across them, trying to wipe them away. “I’ve told him over and over that it wasn’t just him that wanted this. That I didn’t think about the consequences, either. But he’s so convinced that if he had just told me no, he could have changed all of this. Just like he thinks that if he had kept himself from falling for Lidiya, all of that would be different, too.”

“It’s hard to say what would be different, if you change something.” Isabella sighs. “I’m sorry, Elena. I didn’t know about all of it. But I still don’t really see that he’s trying—”

“He is,” I insist. “He wants to make me happy. He thinks the way to do that is by letting me have whatever I want. And all I want is—”

“I know.” Isabella frowns. “These aren’t easy men to love, Elena. Niall and my relationship didn’t come easy, either. He fought against it, too. But he didn’t have to contend with what Levin does.” She lets out a slow, measured breath. “I still think that if he hasn’t moved on in all this time, it’s not going to change, Elena. What you have is what you’re going to get. And I don’t think that is going to make you happy.”

“I’ve thought the same thing,” I admit softly. “That this is probably how it’s always going to be. But I have to try, right? If I reconcile myself to it already—then there’s no chance. Maybe I have to accept eventually that nothing will ever change, but I have to give it a little time. And do what I can.”

“Like going to the appointments, just the two of you. I get it.” Isabella gives me a small, forced smile. “I just want to be there for you. I feel like you don’t have enough support.”

“I feel like I do. You’re doing a great job.”

“I’m glad you think so. Which reminds me—several of the other wives are in town for a board meeting. They’re getting together tomorrow night at the McGregor estate, and I’m supposed to go. Do you want to come?”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to say no—I briefly met the other wives at the wedding, but I didn’t talk to them extensively, and the idea of getting to know essentially a group of near-strangers sounds exhausting. But I also know that they all know Levin, at least a little—and it might be a chance to get to know him through the eyes of others. To find out things about him that he wouldn’t tell me, or that I might not know otherwise.

And besides that, Isabella can’t be my only friend here. It’s not fair to her.

I give her a small smile, and nod. “Sure.”

Elena

I’ve never been to the McGregor estate before. Isabella told me to dress casually, so I did—leggings and a long chiffon tank top and sandals—and then immediately felt self-conscious when our car pulled up to the estate, despite the fact that Isabella had dressed similarly.

“I feel like I should have put in more effort,” I hiss at her as she tells the security guard who drove us here that she’ll call him when she needs him to come back. I can hear the terseness in her voice—having the security around us is chafing at her. After being able to go where she pleases and do what she wants without anyone watching her, having a shadow all of the time is making her feel even more claustrophobic than it makes me.

“It’s fine,” she reassures me as the car pulls away, and we walk up the driveway. “Everyone else will be casual, too. Just–brace yourself. Everyone is probably here already. We’re running late.”

An hour late, precisely, because Aisling had been furious that her mother was leaving, and Niall hadn’t been able to get her to calm down. It wasn’t until Isabella had managed to finally get her to stop crying that we were able to leave, and I saw Levin watching with a nervous expression on his face that made me want to laugh.

I know Levin has seen things that would terrify most of us, spent his whole life doing a job that requires calm and self-possession in the face of extreme danger—and the only time I’ve seen him look really unsettled is when faced with a crying toddler.

He’d seen me looking at him and chuckled, shrugging. “Not something I’ve had to deal with yet,” he said with a twist of his mouth, and I’d had a flush of momentary happiness, a feeling that we were in on some shared joke.

And then the moment passed, as it always does, and I was left feeling like I wanted to hang onto it by my fingernails, if need be.

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