Page 39 of Savage Love

I nod, swallowing hard. Levin is worried about everything around us that could hurt me or our child—Diego, the people coming after us, someone who might still hold a grudge against him from his old life—but I’m afraid of the smaller things, of the ways my body might betray me, that we might lose our baby for some reason that I can’t control, and it will be my fault that he’s lost a child all over again. I can’t say it out loud, but the closer it’s gotten to the appointment, the more that’s kept me up at night.

The doctor is the same one that Isabella went to when she was pregnant, and Isabella is friendly with the receptionist. She goes up to check me in while Levin guides me to a seat at the back of the room, his hand brushing against the small of my back as we walk. I can feel him sticking protectively close to me, and it makes me feel a little less scared of all of it.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I murmur quietly to him as we both sit down, my heart leaping a little in my chest from nervousness as I say it. I’m always afraid to let slip how I feel, worried that it will be too much, that it will upset him, that he’ll pull away even more if he feels me getting closer. But he just reaches over, his hand sliding around mine, and I feel myself relax a little more.

Isabella joins us a moment later, and I see her gaze flick to where Levin is holding my hand before she comes and sits down next to me. “It shouldn’t be long,” she tells me, reaching for one of the magazines on the glass coffee table in front of us. “They’re always pretty prompt here.”

The entire office is done in soft pinks and creams, meant to be soothing and cozy. The office is empty other than the three of us, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s just a slow morning, or if someone has intentionally cleared the schedule so that there wouldn’t be anyone else here. As worried as Connor and Liam seem to be about the situation—hell, as worried as I knowLevinis—I wouldn’t have put it past one of them to have made sure that my appointment was the only one on the schedule for the morning for added safety.

When we’re called back, I can tell that everyone is immediately trying to put me at ease. The nurse is chipper and friendly, and the doctor, when she comes in, greets me with a pleasant smile. “So I hear this is the first one,” she says, glancing at my chart. “And this is—”

She looks at Levin, and I introduce him nervously. “This is my husband, Levin.” It’s the first time I’ve introduced him to anyone as that, and I feel a flurry of emotion run through me, making my chest ache. I want to be happier, saying that aloud. I want to not feel as if it’s a loaded sentence when it comes out of my mouth.

“Nice to meet you.” The doctor glances over my chart again, and I can feel the tension coming from Isabella. She’s standing on one side of me, Levin hanging back a little on the other, and I know he’s giving her space to be the one being supportive of me. It’s sweet of him, but knowing that the reason that he’s doing it is because he doesn’t feel that he deserves to have this at all makes me feel as if I might start welling up with tears all over again.

He’s taken a backseat in everything so far, deferring to me, to Isabella, and even to what Niall thinks. I know it’s not the kind of man he usually is, and I know it’s because he doesn’t believe that he’s supposed to have any of this.

I wish there was someone who could convince him otherwise.

The appointment itself goes so much easier than I thought, even if it is a little embarrassing to be poked and prodded and examined, especially in front of Levin. He offers at one point to step out if I want him to, which Isabella immediately agrees might be for the best—so I can relax—but I tell him firmly that I want him to stay. I want him here with me for this.

When we hear the faint sounds of a heartbeat on the monitor, I feel my eyes well up with tears. Isabella gasps softly, her hand squeezing mine, and I feel Levin’s hand rest on my shoulder lightly. I can’t look up at him at first, or I know I’m going to start sobbing.

When I finally find the nerve to look up at his face, he’s staring at the monitor, his expression softened in a way that I’ve never seen. It makes me feel as if I’m melting, my heart aching as I reach up to touch his hand, and he wraps his around mine without his eyes ever leaving the static. There’s something almost like awe on his face, and for a moment, there’s absolute silence before he clears his throat.

“So everything is fine?” he asks the doctor, and she nods, smiling at him.

“Everything looks great. The kind of nausea that Elena said she was experiencing is on the more extreme side, but plenty of women have that issue, unfortunately. You said it was getting better?” she asks, glancing at me, and I nod.

“I’ve been able to keep more down. Mostly bland food and smoothies, but it’s better than it was.”

“Good. Test it as much as you’re able—slowly incorporate what you can. We’ll keep an eye on your nutrition—I might have you come back a little sooner, just to check, but overall I think there’s nothing to worry about.” She gives Levin a reassuring smile. “We have fathers come in here all the time that are more nervous than anyone else, and I tell them all the same thing—there’s no reason to worry until we have one. I can’t see anything wrong right now.”

“That’s good to hear.” I can hear the relief in Levin’s voice as the doctor steps away.

“You can go ahead and get dressed. I’ll come back with the paperwork for you to check out and schedule your next appointment. It was lovely to meet you both.”

Isabella exhales as the doctor leaves. “Well, that’s good news.” She smiles at me, and I offer a small smile in return. “Sounds like we’ll have to come back sooner than I did, but—”

“I think next time, maybe it will just be Levin and me?” I bite my lip, looking at her hesitantly. “I needed the support for the first time, but I think—”

I break off, seeing the flicker of hurt on her face. “We can talk about it at home,” I tell her quickly, reaching for my clothes. “I’m ready to get out of here.”

I don’t know how to explain to her how much I wish, now, that it had been just Levin and me when we heard our baby’s heartbeat. That I feel like there was a moment there that could have brought us closer together, and having the buffer of my sister in the room kept it from being as intimate as it could have been. I feel guilty, because I know she just wants to be there for me. But I also need any opportunity I can find to try to make things better between Levin and me.

I know she’s hurt from how silent she is the entire ride home. I follow her into the kitchen when we get back, noticing that Levin slips away, murmuring something about going to find Niall.

“We don’t need to talk about it,” Isabella says crisply, in a tone that I know she only uses when she’s trying to pretend she doesn’t care about something. “Of course, it should just be the two of you.”

“Issi–”

“Stop.” She shakes her head. “You don’t need to try to smooth it over. I get it.”

“Do you?” I bite my lip, sinking down onto one of the barstools at the island. “I was glad you were there today. Really glad—I mean it. But when we heard the heartbeat—I feel like if it had just been the two of us, it would have been more intimate. Something we just shared together. And I need all those moments I can get, if Levin and I are ever going to—”

I break off at the surprised, almost pitying look on Isabella’s face. “Oh, Elena.” She leans back against the counter, looking at me. “Do you really think that something is going to change? That’s why you’re doing this?”

“It could.” I cross my arms under my breasts, feeling suddenly self-conscious. “He’s trying. I know he is.”

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