Page 13 of Savage Love

Niall clears his throat, closer to where the two of us are this time. “You know what you need to do,” he tells me pointedly, and it’s the closest I think Niall has ever come to giving me an ultimatum—or even direct advice.

I know what he’s talking about. And despite the fact that I know he’s right—that it’s the honorable thing to do, the only thing to do if I’m going to keep my word and protect her, be there for her—I feel an instant and immediate aversion to the idea.

I swore I’d never get married again. The thought of it feels like a worse betrayal of Lidiya than anything I’ve done so far—worse than wanting Elena for herself and not just for the pleasure she offered me, worse than the fact that I didn’t want to leave her, worse than the feelings that I have for her that I refuse to put a name to and make them a reality.

I’ve stepped over line after line–but making vows to another woman was one I never planned to cross. Not for anything.

Elena looks between Niall and me, her expression confused. “I don’t understand. What are you talking about? What does he need to do?”

Niall lets out a long breath. “He’s going to marry you, lass.”

Elena

“Marry me towho?” I ask in a startled rush, before the words sink in, and I realize what Niall meant. I look at Levin, wide-eyed. “Wait.We’regoing to get married?”

“It’s what he’s suggesting,” Levin says slowly. “And he’s right. It’s what we should do, Elena. It’s what I should do for you, to do right by you.”

He says it as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And maybe it should be, considering how I was raised—but I hadn’t even considered it. All I’d been able to think about was how Levin would react to the news about the baby. I hadn’t gotten to anything else.

It takes me a moment to be able to speak again. I’m torn between feeling utterly amazed that Levin is so willing to even consider being whatever I need at this moment that he’s considering doing theexact oppositeof what he’d been so insistent on, and wondering why he’s even entertaining the possibility of changing his mind so quickly. I feel like everything I’d expected has been turned upside down.

It’s not that I expected he would be angry or cruel. I know Levin could never be that. But I thought he might be upset. That he might suggest I not keep the baby. That he would place the blame equally on me, if not more so.

But he hasn’t done any of that, and I don’t know how to react. I wasn’t prepared for this.

“Can we have a little time alone?” I ask, glancing at Niall and Isabella. “Please? I–I need to talk to Levin alone.”

“Of course,” Niall says gruffly, before Isabella can say anything. “You’re not our ward, lass. You and Levin can discuss how you want to go about this.” He reaches over, clapping Levin on the shoulder, and then he turns back to Isabella, his hand on the small of my sister’s back as he guides her out of the room.

“Just give them time,” I hear him say quietly to her, and then they’re both gone.

Levin turns back to face me. His face is still and silent, and his hand is still wrapped around mine. It hasn’t moved since he sat down.

“You don’t have to marry me,” I say in a small voice.

“I don’thaveto,” he agrees. “Although I think your father might have some demands in that regard. But Niall is right, Elena. It is the right thing to do.”

The right thing to do. Not what he wants to do, just what he should do. I can hear what’s not being said just as loudly as if he’d spoken it. “I know you don’t want to get married again. Not after—”

Levin pauses, as if he’s considering what to say next. “I’m not sure that what I want factors into this, Elena. This is your choice. I made mine when I took you to bed without taking the consequences into account. Now I need to do whatever’s necessary to make that right. You say you want our baby. Now I need to know what else you want. You could raise our child here, with your sister and brother-in-law to help, and you could allow me to be as much a part of it or not as you choose. Or you could tell me that you want marriage, and if we do that, then I’ll be here for all of it. Well,” he amends. “I’ll be here for all of it regardless, if that’s what you want. As for marriage—that’s…”

He trails off, as if he’s unsure how to finish the sentence, but I think I understand. He doesn’t want to hurt me, and saying outright that he doesn’t want to get married would only be another knife in my heart. But I know very well that he doesn’t. That if this baby weren’t a reality, I would likely have never heard from him again.

But I also think that if I say that I want our baby to have him here as a father and as my husband, as a nuclear family with paperwork to bind us together, he’ll do it. He’ll do anything if it means making what he sees as another mistake in a long list of them right.

I don’t think Levin understands how well I know him, after the time we spent together. I might not know everything about him, all the fine details that make up a person, but I’ve seen into parts of him that I think I understand very clearly now. And what I don’t know is if telling him that I do want him to marry me is taking advantage of him in some way—taking advantage of his guilt and sense of honor to trap him into something that might never make either one of us happy.

Is that what I want to do?I don’t know what I want. It’s as if everything I thought I wanted is being handed to me on a silver platter—but in all the wrong ways. I hadn’t envisioned myself marrying Levin—I just wanted to be with him. The end result of that hadn’t mattered to me, so long as we were together. I’m sure I would have wanted that, in time, but now—

“Do you love me?” The words come out small, quiet, in no small part because I think I already know the answer.

He takes a breath, and I close my eyes. For a moment, I’m not sure I can look at him. I don’t want to see the truth on his face any more than I want to hear it.

“It has to be enough that I’m willing to consider marrying you,” he says gently, his hand still around mine. I have the sudden urge to pull it away, but I don’t. I have the feeling that if I do, he might not touch me again, and I don’t want that, either. “I said I would never get married again, Elena. I meant that. If I choose to do it anyway, because I care for you, it’s because–

“–it’s the right thing to do,” I finish for him, hating the hint of bitterness in my voice but unable to keep it out. “Youcarefor me. You don’t love me.”

“Elena.” There’s a hint of pleading in his voice that I’ve never heard before. “I meant what I said the night before I left. I would still mean it, if things hadn’t changed. It would be better for you if we weren’t together. You would get over me, eventually. But thingshavechanged. And if you want this baby, if that’s your choice–” He lets out a long, slow breath, as if he’s come to a decision within himself. “If you feel like it’s what you want—then we should get married. I should be there for both of you. There’s not anyone who won’t agree with me. Niall has already said so. Your father will feel the same, as will Connor and Liam–”

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